vous êtes ma bonne étoile
by JThistle
Summary: A girl is found unconscious on the Hell Train; when she awakens, she finds herself in a different world from the one she knew. Will anything prepare her for what's coming? And will she be able to be anything but a burden to those who've given her shelter? [SI/OC-centric; BamxOC romance]
1. day one

**Disclaimer:** Well, this is probably the most self-indulgent thing I've written in a while . . . Hope it's good, though. Naturally, SIU knows nothing about this, and that is probably for the best. This is really long though . . . I have no idea what will happen when I update it. Will the updates be much shorter? Will they become huge monstrosities? Or will they be about the same as this? According to my writing program it's about thirty pages. . . if anyone can stick through all the way to the end, please let me know. . . .

I hope I don't come across as too similar to Wangnan or Bam, haaaa. . . and I hope everyone is in character. It's a bit tricky from this perspective; even with third person limited I can occasionally stray over to other characters, but with myself, in first person . . . I say this in the story too, but I'm not very observant. . . . The scene with Bam after the test was very spur of the moment, so I hope that doesn't seem forced either. Haah, well, anyway, time to stop making this even longer. I hope you all enjoy!

* * *

 **Day One:**

I guess I'm starting a diary; I've never had one before, successfully, but I think I'm at the point where I need to write things down. There's no one here I can really talk to. . . . Except maybe Bam? But honestly, he's really busy, and I guess he's not coming back for a while. . . .

I'm not really sure where to begin - I hate writing journals because I always end up moping and sounding delusional, but . . . I'm on a train, I guess - they call it the Hell Train. And the train, amazingly enough, is inside a tower.

Everyone has been very patient with me, and very kind, but I'm not even sure I'm awake or alive. I mean, I woke up in a strange bed, in a barren room. There was nothing in there except for the bed itself - I'm not sure I've ever seen a room that bare, even when I went to job corps and moved into a dorm for the first time. And there was no preamble - no explosions, no cruise trips to the Bermuda Triangle. I just went to sleep after work yesterday and . . . woke up here, I guess.

My limbs moved well enough on their own, so I got out of there as quickly as possible. I was a little wobbly at first, but managed to make it out of the room without falling, only to walk straight into a man - Bam, actually.

I'm not really . . . sure how to describe him? He has very pretty eyes, short brown hair; golden eyes, actually, mellow and warm, like light itself had gotten trapped in them, or like honey. A little taller than me, maybe a head, and . . . I guess the best way to describe his build would be lithe? He was dressed fairly casually, but still managed to look distracting.

He is very distracting, that's how I'll describe him.

He also has a very nice voice; smooth and gentle. There is nothing in particular that stands out about him - not like his companions, who are all one variety of imposing or another, with striking hair and eyes and one of them actually has a small horn protruding from her forehead - but there's something about the way he stands that just draws people in.

I'm wary of things like this, I have to admit. Charismatic people in my life have not generally heralded good things.

Aaaah, but I still can't stop thinking about how he felt when I crashed into him? It's so embarrassing! I shouldn't be feeling this way about someone, especially not right off the bat! He was really solid like. . . . he definitely had a lot of muscles. I need more muscles. I need to be muscleist so I won't be influenced by them!

(And then I can fight people and win? I'll be the strongest!)

Anyway, we kind of stared at each other for a moment, and he said something - I had no idea what, and I still don't know, because what came out of his mouth at the time was unlike anything I had ever heard before? Apparently in this world, they have "Pockets" which are sort of round balls with a lot of different capabilities, like storing objects in "Inventory Mode" and translating everything people say into a language called "Mexes" so that people can understand each other without any trouble. I think that's a huge copout and a shame, but! Now I have one too, and I have to admit it's much easier this way. . . .

Anyway, he said something, and it must have been pretty clear that I didn't understand, because he grew much paler and took my hand, pulling me off to who-knew-where at the time, though once we got past the series or corridors he took me around, it turned out to be his companions.

There was a lot of shouting as we got closer, so I have to admit - I was a little nervous, and though I tried not to drag him back, my hand did cling onto his a bit more tightly than was necessary.

And, to be completely frank, I definitely hid behind him when we arrived at our destination - there was a bright flash of light, and then a strangled cry of frustration before we entered to find a dark haired woman with red eyes.

Between her features and Bam's, I feel like I stood out a lot, and not really in a good way. She was also very pretty, even dressed in a short trench coat and sneakers. Someone spoke to her, and when I peered over Bam's shoulder, I saw another man, short in stature, with short, silver hair and a very weary expression.

These two would turn out to be Ha Yuri Jahad and Evan, later. Yuri is a princess, and I guess she has a reputation for being hard headed and a rulebreaker, but honestly she seems really cool? She's been very kind, though she tends to pick on Endorssi a bit. I think they're sisters though. Like, not biologically but. . . technically?

She said something, immediately focusing on Bam, and then turned her attention to me. I hid behind Bam further, and he turned, saying something to me that at first I thought was reassurance.

(He still hadn't let go of my hand yet either, even as he moved away from me. He just continued speaking - I only realized he was actually talking to Yuri when she responded.)

Bam stroked the back of my hand with his thumb while she turned to the short man behind her, and smiled at me reassuringly. I . . . could only duck my head and stare at the floor, until eventually the short man passed me this . . . black sphere, about the size of a basket ball. They urged me to take it - and when I did . . .

Well, it's a bit hard to explain. I think there were pages, somewhere - something in my head lit up, and there was a bit of a light show behind my eyes; glowing words gradually became more coherant, but before I could really make out anything it was over.

Yuri was peering at me curiously, "Can you understand me, now?"

The weird feeling behind my temples hadn't quite faded, and I took a step back, letting go of Bam's hand so I could rub at my temples, and nod.

I think I may have mumbled something to the affirmative there, and she smiled brightly, "Excellent! Do you remember how you got here at all?"

I had to deny this. I'd done nothing out of the ordinary the day before, and certainly not before going to bed.

This seemed to trouble them, but Bam quickly intervened, "I didn't really remember how I got on the first floor either."

I think he was trying to reassure me, because when I looked up again, he offered me a quick smile.

Yuri considered this, and Evan sighed, "That's the first floor though - irregulars are naturally supposed to arrive there. To suddenly arrive on the Hell Train . . . I'm not sure I've heard of something like that."

He looked me up and down, and frowned.

"She doesn't feel particularly strong," Yuri said, scratching the back of her head, "I guess maybe Urek is unique even for outside of the tower."

"Yeah, I think he's pretty unique," Bam agreed.

"Maybe she'll make a good wave controller," Yuri offered, "Like you did."

"Yuri-noona," I'm not sure quite how to explain the sensation of my head that accompanied this form of address; I can only assume that there wasn't a suitable translation in english, and so the pocket picked the next best thing, "She's not going to be fighting."

He seemed very certain of this. He stared at Yuri resolutely, and Yuri stared at me consideringly and Evan let out a loud sigh.

"He has a point, Princess," he said, "She doesn't have any training, and she hasn't been tested. We can't even be sure she'll survive the Hell Train, much less the Floor of Death. We'd better drop her off at the 40th floor. It's peaceful enough there, and she can find her way to the first floor easily enough."

"We're not leaving her there!" Bam sounded almost panicked when he said this; his fingers curled more tightly around themselves - I wanted to take his hand again, to reassure him, but I didn't and instead I turned to gauge Yuri's reaction.

She seemed thoughtful.

"It's the safest thing for her," Evan said solemnly, and then added, "Unless you want to give up going to the floor of death in order to look after her."

Bam had to look away; he didn't lower his head or act submissively, but he couldn't meet Evan's eyes, either.

Yuri was staring at me consideringly, "I don't know, Evan. . . Headon isn't exactly trustworthy."

"There's no way for her to get clearance for other floors or tests without going through the first floor," Evan said. This seemed to be check and mate for Yuri. She made a strangled noise and looked like she'd been punched in the stomach for a moment.

Bam didn't seem to like this either, but he didn't argue, "Then we'll keep a close eye on her until we get to the next floor."

Evan nodded, and Bam turned to leave. At the doorway, he paused, and looked back at me, "Um, do you want to meet everyone else? Miss. . . ."

I hadn't said my name yet to anyone, and quickly introduced myself, bobbing my head as I did so. Someone clapped me on the back from behind, and I turned to see Yuri grinning at me, "Don't worry, Min! We'll take good care of you!"

"Ah, thank you very much," I mumbled, "Sorry for the trouble."

"It can't be helped," Evan said, sounding somewhat sour, "Honestly, the situation was troublesome to begin with."

Yuri gripped both of my shoulders; her hands were really strong - I'm pretty sure I have bruises on my shoulders now, "Alright! Let's go meet everyone! Evan, tell everyone to meet in the dining area!"

"You know, people can just meet her gradually," Evan replied, "They all have things to do . . ."

"I'm fine with meeting people when it's more convenient," I offered as Yuri steered me out of the room after Bam, "It doesn't have to be right away."

"No, it's better this way. That way no one's surprised," Yuri replied, "It's good for everyone else too, don't worry! And this way you don't run into any weirdos by yourself!"

A glance at Evan told me he thought Yuri was probably the weirdest of all, but he didn't say anything; I decided not to argue any further as we continued after Bam.

He'd just ducked into what turned out to be "the dining area" - not really a cafeteria or anything, just a room that had been converted into a cooking area. Campfire, cooking utensils I didn't know the name of, that kind of stuff.

(Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out how to get away with not cooking. It's not that I can't do it, but I'm not confident in my abilities. . . I don't want to end up troubling people more by making something strange and inedible, or getting people sick.)

Well, the way the whole area is set up is that . . . we're on a giant train, and between everyone, we're in an area that's been tamed? Normally on the train you're in danger of running into monsters and the like. They sound pretty scary but it seems like we're safe here. . . on that note, Yuri doesn't want me to leave the camp area, but I wonder if that's really okay.

If I'm not going to be cooking, I should probably at least help with cleaning . . . but if I'm not going to be able to help the camp, I should definitely try to do both. I'm really nervous about cooking, though . . . especially because I'm not familiar with the food here. It's all good, but . . . I think it's more like korean food than pakistani or western food.

In any case, the only person who reacted to Yuri's summons - if Yuri actually sent a summons - was a gentleman with the most blue eyes I've seen since home ec in middle school, and hair that was also a pale blue color. He was dressed very business casual, much like Yuri, and Bam seemed to be talking about something with him.

"Yeah, I guess that's understandable," he said; Bam's eyes flicked over to me. It was a little weird, but I got the sense that his demeanor had changed suddenly when I touched the pocket.

I still had it with me, and I looked down at it now.

"Bam was just telling me we should have her stay in his room for now," the new gentleman - in a moment, he would introduce himself as Aguero Agnis Khun; everyone calls him Khun, though, even though he seems fairly close with Endorssi and Bam - told Yuri, "I think that makes sense, since he won't be back for a while after the test."

"Ah. . . yeah, good call," Yuri replied, seeming a little taken aback, "Bam, you're going back to the rice pot again?"

Bam nodded, giving her a smile that seemed very fake, "Yeah, I think that's for the best. The God of Guardians said he'd train me if I still wanted to get stronger."

He already seems very strong to me, honestly, but . . . I guess it doesn't matter how strong you are if someone wants to bring you down. They'll just get someone stronger involved. I hope he's okay with the God of Guardians in the Rice Pot? I know Yuri says to stay in the camp grounds, but I wonder if it would be okay to bring him something to eat?

Ugh, no, that's a bad idea! I shouldn't get so attached to people, especially if they haven't asked me to. Maybe it's just because he's the first person I saw when I woke up? And anyway, he probably has plenty to eat! It's not like it was an accident that he went there. . . . .

Anyway, before this devolves any further - Bam and Yuri talked about his training; Khun held out his hand to shake. I took it, introducing myself quickly and ducking my head again. I should probably stop doing that. It's probably really annoying.

He introduced himself back, "Pleased to meet you. I'm glad you woke up before Bam left - he was worried about you."

"Woke up. . . um, I wasn't asleep for that long, was I?" I asked. Khun seemed to consider this for a moment, and then reached up, pressing his finger to my forehead.

Everyone keeps touching me here, and it's weird. Well, everyone touched me a lot back home, too, but still . . . .

"No, I guess not," he replied, "It was only a day or so since we found you, but we weren't sure how long you were unconscious before that."

". . . Oh," was all I could think of to say to that. Actually, now that I think about it - I didn't wake up in my pajamas. I was wearing my normal work clothes instead, and I dont really have anything else to change into. I guess I'll probably need to worry about that later, though.

"Actually, if someone's in a coma for more than twenty-four hours, their chances of living are statistically really slim," I added, and honestly I'm not sure why that came out of my mouth, but here we are.

Khun pretended to look interested, "Oh, really? I guess you're very lucky, then."

"But if I'm going to be training Endorssi, and you're going to be training with Evan, and Bam's going to be training in the rice pot . . . ."

I turned to look at Yuri, who was pressing a finger to her temple almost delicately, "Then we should at least make sure she knows one other person other than us before we leave for the test. Boro seems reliable. . . does anyone know where he is?"

"No," Khun responded, "But Hwa Ryun won't be doing anything - she was just here to grab breakfast, and she should be in her room now."

"Honestly, if Hwa Ryun isn't here already, she probably doesn't want to be bothered," Evan said, "Redheads are like that."

"Hwa Ryun it is," Yuri said almost immediately. I'm not sure what kind of aura she was giving off, but even Bam seemed taken aback. She did have a strange expression on her face. . . .

All at once, I was grabbed and unceremoniously dragged out of the room, down some more halls and eventually outside of a door. Yuri knocked before just opening it and going in, "Hwa Ryun!"

I was presented to a redheaded woman with a red eye and an eyepatch, wearing a long skirt and warm looking jacket. It was pretty cold on the train, actually - I had to admit I was a little envious of the jacket.

"What?" she asked, flatly. She didn't even look at me; Yuri seemed to be having a hard time coming up with what to say.

"This is . . . an irregular. . . " was what she settled on.

Hwa Ryun glanced at me, and returned her attention to Yuri, "I can see that. We already rescued her so everyone knows who she is."

"Min. . . " Yuri said, "This is Hwa Ryun."

"Pleasure to meet you," I mumbled, "Sorry for the disturbance."

"Go away," Hwa Ryun replied. Yuri turned me around to do just that - I could almost hear her gritting her teeth, but I didn't get a chance to look up because Bam and Khun were peeking around the corner.

Bam looked startled when I met his eyes and immediately looked away. Khun gave me a winsome smile.

Bam said something to him that I didn't catch, and Khun said something back that made him smile - though Khun didn't look like he was joking around.

"Hey!" Yuri snapped, "Go find Boro, you fraudster!"

She evidently meant Khun, because he paled and disappeared. Bam seemed to think this was more or less normal; in any case, he didn't seem displeased with Yuri when she shoved me out the door and shut it behind me, sighing.

"She's hard to deal with, but you'll get used to her," she promised me, "Evan's so much better."

Evan had waited by the doorway, and weirdly, did not seem to take this as a compliment.

"Ms. Hwa Ryun's not so bad," Bam said; when his gaze fell on me, he quickly looked away, like he was startled to find me there.

It's sort of disheartening. He has really pretty eyes, too. But honestly, I wouldn't be able to look at me either; I'm sort of plain, but I have a thick frame and bodyhair everywhere - even on my throat, though I don't like to call it a beard. On top of that, I have thick eyebrows and glasses. My lips are really girly, but that probably only makes me look weirder.

In short . . . if my life were a shounen manga, I would probably be drawn like Elizabeth from Magi or similar joke characters.

This is only one of the reasons it's bad for me to fall in love, though. There are lots of other things that make me a bad person to get involved with, and if I fall in love I'll only want the other person to get involved with me, even though I should be focused on making them happy and helping them.

In any case, he accompanied Yuri and me back to the dining area, where he set about making himself breakfast. When he offered us something, I declined, though Yuri seemed happy to accept the food he offered.

It smelled really good . . . but I hate eating in front of people. . . . Anyway, I listened to them talk while they ate, but didn't really participate in the conversation. I think Yuri tried to pull me in a few times, but I was having one of _those_ moods and didn't go along with it. I feel kind of bad about that now - I'd apologize, but she and Evan and Khun and Bam are all . . . .gone already.

I want to make sure all of them are eating well, but I can't cook. It's . . . disappointing.

I shouldn't dwell on all of this. I have to put my best forward starting now! But I'm really worried. No, I think scared is a better word. I'm really scared. This isn't like a blog or online chat - if things go badly, I'll be stuck as a burden.

Eventually an older man with silver hair arrived, accompanied by a younger looking redhead - who kept one eye covered much like Hwa Ryun. He was definitely not Hwa Ryun, though. His presence was completely different.

Khun followed behind them, looking exhausted from that trip alone. I wonder if he has a lot on his plate?

Boro was very welcoming; he shook my hand and clasped me on the shoulder, "I'm glad you woke up! We were worried about you."

Sachi wasn't quite as friendly, but he was still very nice; I got the feeling that he was the more reserved one between the two.

Eventually, other people filtered in - a large woman, much larger than I am, in a yellow dress and jacket, with her hair in pigtails, and a small girl floating behind her in a onesie on a pink cube, and eventually a . . . .

Well, eventually Endorssi. She looks like a model, all confidence and perfect bust to waist ratios and smooth, creamy skin. The only thing unmodel-like about her was that she was wearing a maxi skirt when it was definitely not summer, and I don't think those have been in fashion for a few years. She still made it look stunning though.

Her eyes were an eerie orange, not quite the mellow warm of Bam's, but still definitely on the gold end of the spectrum. I'm not sure what exactly was so unsettling about them, but she managed to accentuate the effect with red liner. To top it all off, she had a single horn protruding from one side of her forehead.

And . . . she pretty much disliked me from the beginning. I'm not sure if I looked too friendly with Yuri or if something about me was personally offensive, but she was. . . very abrasive.

"I see no reason why we all have to gather together to greet someone who's only been asleep all this time," she snapped, right away, "I could be sleeping right now, and none of you would care!"

Bam seemed used to this, but he spoke up anyway, smiling nervously - maybe placatingly,"We just want to make sure she knows someone who won't be busy after the test today."

Khun also seemed used to it, from where he'd settled between Bam and myself, "It's not like Endorssi will be around much either. Bear with it, Min."

I could only shrink further into my bulky grey sweater. Khun reached out and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, which only seemed to tick Endorssi off fruther.

"Sorry," I said, but I don't think anyone heard me.

Bam slowly passed more food out; Khun handed me a bowl before I could refuse. It was mostly rice - maybe bibimbap? But I'm not familiar with a lot of worldly cuisine.

I only know curry . . . I wish I were more cultured.

In any case, soon the room had a rowdy, warm atmosphere. The large woman introduced herself as Bero Bero, and though she seemed shy, I think she's a nice person. Her friend was very quiet, but Bero Bero introduced her as Cherry La. I think they have a sweets combo going on.

I like both of their names, though.

Despite my best efforts, though, Khun and Berobero eventually managed to pull me into conversation. I didn't have much useful to say, and I think I rambled a lot, but they were both very polite. I think even Bam and Yuri listened a little bit, which was nice of them.

Endorssi just grabbed her food and left; eventually, everyone else finished eating and filtered out as well, except Bero Bero and Cherry La, who I guess were sharing cleaning duties.

"We should exchange pocket information," Bam said as he was helping to organize everything; I'd decided to help Bero Bero and Cherry La with the dishes, and he'd lingered, as well as Khun.

Well, between all of us, dishes actually went pretty fast, though it almost seemed like too many people. Khun and Cherry La both dried, and Bam and Bero Bero both washed, and I . . . put things away.

I'm already really useless . . . .

"That's a good idea," Khun said, at the same time as I asked, "Pocket information?"

Bam smiled, "Yeah. You don't know about that, right? I'll show you. Give me your pocket."

I passed it to him, and he said, clearly, "Pocket, visible mode."

A pocket appeared next to him. I stared at it, a little confused, and he said, "Pockets can turn invisible. That way you don't have to worry about them."

This explanation leaves a lot to be desired, but I don't have the courage to ask any further. I feel like no one would explain it very well. How do the pockets not get lost when they're invisible? What do you do with them then? How does turning them invisible change anything?

Then he showed me how to enter information into the Pocket, using his own as an example. After he was done, Khun entered his as well, and then Bero Bero had me enter hers. Cherry La just slept through all of this.

Come to think of it, when Cherry La was drying dishes, she didn't do much there either . . . . . I'm not sure why, but she sleeps more than I do.

I guess that was about when it was time for the test, though, because when we were done, Bam asked, "Do you want to watch us take the test?"

"Huh?"

I hadn't expected it to be something that someone could watch. Seeing my expression, Khun nodded, "Yeah, that does sound like a good idea. That way you can get an idea of what sorts of things you're up against. Especially since you don't know anything as an irregular."

". . . What do you do in the tests?"

Bam considered this, "It depends. There's generally some strategy and fighting, though."

I wasn't sure how to respond to this. Normally I have no problem with fighting, but something about this just . . . gave me a bad feeling. I didn't like looking at either of the men next to me and thinking of them as soldiers, but that's what it sounded like - like they were at war with something.

Well, the actual test wasn't that bad; everyone else had to participate, but Yuri assured me that since I would be getting off the train at the next stop I could sit it out. Hwa Ryun gave me a long, considering stare when she said that, but didn't speak up.

The goal of the test was . . . making it to a central platform while dodging traps. It was probably the most deadly obstacle course I could imagine - I'm not sure that I'd seen worse on tv or in movies back home, though to be fair I don't watch a whole lot of tv. Or movies.

Well, since half the team was fully capable of flight - Bam actually just levitated himself for a moment before creating a small glowing disk under his feet and landing on that - the traps had to be really good if they were going to test anything at all, but it was nerve wracking to watch - I don't remember much about the actual test other than that every time any of them came close to one of the traps I had to cover my eyes.

Also, Endorssi didn't participate - she sat on one of the floating boulders in the room and snickered whenever she noticed I was covering my face again. I'm still not sure if she's just unfriendly, or if I've done something to upset her. I mean, we all take time to warm up to other people, so I probably shouldn't assume it's my fault off the bat but . . . .

Maybe I'm the one being unfriendly. I don't know - I've noticed I tend to treat people who try to be my friend somewhat disdainfully at first too, since I'm never sure if they're going to be someone likable or someone who I'm constantly looking away from in second hand embarrassment or someone who pushes me around. Friends are tricky. Being human is tricky - and I mean, that's probably not an isolated thing, so even if Endorssi isn't human, she might have a lot of reasons to not want to get close to anyone either. I should definitely give her space, but maybe try and be encouraging too?

It's so hard to be normal.

In any case, she wasn't the only person who noticed me being squeamish - Khun nudged my shoulder with his when he and the others returned, "It wasn't all that bad, was it?"

". . . It looked pretty bad," I replied, "Thank you for being careful."

He seemed really taken aback by this, staring at me like I'd grown two heads or started spouting tongues, and suddenly looked away, "Well, it's hard doing these missions with a missing position. Should we at least have another scout? Min could do that."

From what I'd just seen, no I couldn't. Scouts were the position least compatible with me, actually, "I'm not very fast . . . . or observant."

"Good work, everyone," Bam said as he joined us from my other side. I smiled at him.

"You did really well too," I said - though it felt a bit fake because I hadn't participated, so I continued, "Y-you probably already know that though."

Boro and Khun were talking about other details from the test, so I tuned them out. I didn't want to think about it, "Please be a bit more careful though."

Someone to my right made a choking sound. Bam looked a bit taken aback, and suddenly couldn't meet my eyes, "Um. . . . ."

"You noticed right away, huh?" Khun said, "It's so bad even someone unobservant can see it immediately."

"Isn't this a little unfair. . . ?" Bam asked; Boro was nodding along with Khun.

"Please remember that you don't have to take all of the risks," he said, "The rest of the team is also strong."

"If we lose you at this point, coming this far will have been pointless for a lot of people," Bero Bero added.

At this point, Bam was starting to look a little stressed, "A-alright. I understand."

"Sorry. . . ." I mumbled - I hadn't meant for him to get scolded by everyone, but . . . he had been really careless during the test, as though while he paid lipservice to the idea of being careful, it was a rule he only expected other people to follow. I've been there, and I think a lot of people have. Maybe it's true in a lot of worlds, but the one I come from doesn't value people who take care of themselves. It only wants people who are willing to destroy themselves for one thing or another.

Being in another world had been nice for the first few hours, but I was starting to get the feeling that it had the exact same problems as mine.

"Speaking of careless people," Boro said, "What about . . . that Wangnan guy's team?"

"Ah. . ." Bam looked to Khun, "Do we still not have news from them?"

". . . The train doesn't really have a way for us to contact each other," was the only response. I looked down at the pocket in my hand.

Even though it has an invisible mode, I still keep it visible. I carry it everywhere too. I feel like a dork but. . . I just can't believe that it will follow me. That's really hard to believe.

"Even for the pockets?" I asked. Khun nodded.

"And the lighthouses aren't good for communication either," he said, "Maybe if we used Emily but . . . . there's no way to trust that app now. It was suspicious from the beginning."

"Then should we go look for them?" Bam asked.

"Wouldn't it be better not to look for them?" this was from Hwa Ryun. She seemed a lot less grumpy now than she had before, and she stood on one of the floating islands. She also seemed to realize that this statement, alone, made no sense, because she added, "When you sent them away you agreed to respect each other's choices, right? That man has already started walking his own path so it's better to go our separate ways now."

"Plus," she continued, hopping to another island easily. Now that the traps weren't active it wasn't as frightening, but my hands still twitched and I almost dropped my pocket from wanting to cover my eyes, "You guys don't have the luxury of worrying about other people right now."

"What?" Khun's voice was flat, but I think he was trying to sound annoyed. And failiing - instead he sounded worried. Hwa Ryun contiued to the other side of the room without any concern.

"The floor of death is right up ahead," she said, "Even Rankers avoid the floor of death. If you guys end up going in there, even with Yuri Jahad . . . . It _will_ be hard for even a single one of you to survive the floor of death."

And with that she was gone. Everyone looked at each other in concern, and I looked down at the pocket.

"Is the floor of death that bad?" I asked, quietly. Khun reached up, running a hand through his hair, and glanced over at Yuri and Evan. Bam and I followed his gaze.

Yuri nodded, "That's why it's absolutely imperative that you get off on the fourtieth floor, Min. If you don't, you'll definitely hold us back - and we might not be able to protect you."

"I understand," I replied, "I'm not arguing with that, I just . . . ."

I'm not sure how I was going to finish that statement. Felt sick? Worried? Couldn't believe they'd just disappear off to this dangerous floor, and I might never see them again?

Actually, I'm still confused about the "floor" thing, but I guess it has to do with being in a tower. . . .

"We'll be fine," Bam said, suddenly. Everyone seemed taken aback, and I looked over at him, "Don't worry, Ms. Min. Everyone here is really strong, and we still have a few months to get stronger. We'll see you again after you catch up, okay?"

"What are you trying to console her for?" Endorssi snapped, "Anyway, I'm with you guys, so of course you'll be alright."

Actually, Endorssi's problem with me might be really obvious and . . . I don't want to go through this again. What am I supposed to do in this situation? Bam was only consoling me because I'm so much weaker than everyone else and don't know what's going on. He didn't need to, but it wasn't rooted in something like "Oh, Ms. Min is really cute! I want to impress her and show off!" He's definitely not the sort, and I only just got here? We've only just met! Who wants to show off for someone they've only just met?

I'll need to work harder not to be reliant on him, even though he's gone right now. I'll work super hard to become tough and independant over the next three months, and learn a lot about the tower, so when he comes back . . . well. . . . Actually, I might not be here. But he'll hear from everyone that I definitely won't get swallowed up by the tower!

I must have overthought everything. Even if Endorssi does like him, it's not like I could be her rival when I'm probably never going to see him again. Urgh, I'm a bad person . . . .

Does she like him, though? I only thought about it because I was thinking about how she'd gotten angry because he was cheering me up, but . . . other than that, she hasn't really given any sign of being friends with him, much less interested in him _that_ way. Maybe they're already dating and had a spat? Or maybe she's cold to him because she's afraid of being taken advantage of. Love is a really scary emotion. . . .Bero Bero said some weird things, but it's not like I've seen it personally. . . .

Well, it doesn't matter either way. I won't be here to help them with that, because I'm leaving in a few weeks. In any case, after Bam and Endorssi had said those things, everyone seemed to perk up a little - except Yuri, who still seemed concerned.

"Well. . . see you later," Bam said, "Please take good care of Ms. Min."

"Don't you get tired?" Endorssi complained, "You're going out already even though you just got back. . . ."

"Bam. . . do you absolutely have to go back to that. . .rice pot?" Yuri sounded hesitant about what she called it, like she was thinking something like _isn't that where you'd go to eat?_ , "If it's training you want, I could help you."

"Since I made a promise," Bam replied, "I'll need your help next time, though."

This seemed to soothe Yuri a little. I guess she's like a mother watching her son grow up - worrying that she's not providing enough for him, but not wanting to encroach on his decisions. It's a hard burden, so I'm glad she perked up a little, "Well, good luck! Make sure you come back before we reach the floor of death!"

"Okay! Well, see you all at the train's exit then!"

He turned, hunching himself up against the strange cold that permeates the train, and started walking. I stared at his back - he looked really lonely.

"Well, I guess we should get going too," Khun said, finally. I looked up at him, but his eyes had slid over to Evan.

"Hmph," Evan said; for a moment, he seemed to struggle with his decision, before he continued, "Fine, alright. Follow me. I'll teach you how to handle the lighthouse."

It seems like Khun's already good at using the lighthouse, though . . . maybe it's secret way of doing things? Like when you start typing without looking at the keyboard versus when you have to hunt for certain keys. Or like the difference between swiping on your phone or voice input. . . .I dunno. I guess it's none of my business. But I'm curious. . . .

Endorssi said something about taking a nap, but Yuri grabbed her, "Where are you going? You come with me."

Even though Endorssi had just wished everyone luck, I feel like from her face . . . she's the one who's going to need luck.

Bero Bero and Cherry La and Boro and Sachi were all on the other side of the room already - I caught eyes with Bero Bero, and she jerked her head at me. Turning where she was looking, I was met with the empty hallway Bam had walked down.

Well, I wasn't doing anything, right? Peeking at Bero Bero, I saw her make a shooing motion with her hands, and nodded. I was going to have to just trust the pocket, or. . . well. I can't be fast if I'm carrying things but I still don't trust the pocket.

I stuffed it down my shirt and flew down the hallway after Bam. It's a little embarrassing, especially because I ended up calling his name really loudly as soon as I saw him, "Bam, wait!"

He started, turning to stare at me as I hurdled towards him. I immediately stopped running, even though I was still a little far away from him, and cradeled the pocket against my stomach, "A-ah. Um."

"Ms. Min . . . ?" he seemed really confused, but the dark aura that I'd sensed around him seemed to be pushed away for the moment.

I fidgeted, "Um, do you . . . d'you want me to walk with you?"

" . . . Huh?"

If I hadn't seen him interacting with Yuri and Khun earlier that moment, the face he made would have lead me to believe no one had ever voluntarily spent time with him in his life. His whole brain seemed to stop and he just stared at me for a moment.

"I mean, um," I said, my voice getting quieter and less distinct, "I understand if you want to be alone or if it's private, so that's. You don't have to take me up on it or anything just. . . offering. . . "

He seemed to come back to himself for a moment, considering. I felt my hopes sink a little. It was a stupid idea, but since I won't be there when he gets back . . . .

I dunno. I wanted to spend a little time with him before we were seperated forever.

"I guess it would be okay," he said at last. He still seemed to be thinking about it, though.

"You had to consider it," I reply, "It's fine if you don't want me to! Don't force yourself!"

He seemed a little bemused, "No, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure you'd be safe. If you walk the same way back it should be okay, though."

"O-oh. . . " I took a deep breath, "Okay. I'm sorry. I just . . . didn't want to come on too strong."

He seemed even more confused, but didn't question me, "I'd never . . . thought about walking there with someone."

"Huh?" that was a weird thing to say, but he did honestly seem to be considering something else. I approached him tentatively, and his eyes went to my stomach.

"Um. . . are you carrying your pocket under your shirt?" he asked. I stiffened.

"I-It's easier to run!" I said, "I . . . I don't wanna lose it."

He waited while I fished it out from under my grey sweater, and then trotted up next to him.

"It won't get lost," he said, "It's attracted to your shinsoo now*, so even if it's invisible, it won't go far."

This is how walking with Bam to the rice pot mostly turned into a lesson in how to use pockets. And inventories, which are mostly for armor and things like that. Apparently, if you want to carry a lot of stuff around, it's best to have a lighthouse.

"It's all really confusing, right?" Bam said, at one point. He seemed like he was confiding in me - for a moment, he had a look on his face like he was really stressed out, "I've been in the tower for almost nine years and I'm still not used to it."

"Yeah,"I agreed, "It's kind of like being a in a video game or something. . . . "

He chuckled, and we both fell silent; I was still cradeling the pocket against my abdobmen because nothing Bam said could convince me to let it go.

The rice pot turned out to be a long hall - or actually, maybe it's a spell, to be honest. Bam said that the first few times he was there he was put under a trance or something, and that he was trying to meet his true power, or something like that.

We stood talking for a little bit just outside of the hall.

"I'll be careful," he'd said, "But I've done this a few times, so don't worry, okay? From the outside, I think I'm just standing there. It's more like I go inside of myself."

So I guess he's just meditating. I nodded to show I understood, and then wished him good luck.

"Thank you for walking with me, Ms. Min," he said, "I feel . . . a lot better."

Hearing these words made me really happy, "Ah, I'm glad! It was nice to walk with you!"

For a moment, we fell into awkward silence, then he said, "I know the pockets won't work right on the train, and I'm going to be busy until after you're gone but . . . I'll contact you when we get off the train, okay?"

I nodded, "Okay. We'll talk then. Be careful until then, okay?"

He nodded back, smiling, "I will be. Goodbye, Ms. Min."

"Goodbye," I took a deep breath, and he turned, heading into the empty hall behind him, and then I turned and headed back to the area we'd come from.

Hwa Ryun was waiting for me about halfway there, leaning against one of the walls, "Yuri told you not to leave. Did you forget?"

"I. . . I guess I didn't think about it," I admitted, "I was with Bam so . . . "

"It's a good thing," Hwa Ryun replied, "I didn't say this earlier, but if you listen to Yuri too much, you're going to die."

"What. . . ?"

I'm still not sure what to think about that announcement - no deliberation or preamble, just point blank, "You're going to die."

"I mean, okay," I said, after a moment, "That happens."

"Should you really be so nonplussed about it?" she asked, "I'm not joking around or threatening you. If you get off the train on the fourtieth floor you'll die."

"Death is an illusion created by an overreliance on the material world," I replied, "Anyway, what happens if I don't get off the train, then?"

"Fair point," she said, "You'll still probably die. It might be better if you get off at the station after all. But I have a test for you."

She pointed her finger at me, "If you can pass this test, there might be some merit it trying to live on. Or you'll die while you're still on the train, I guess. Three nights ago, we split up with some teammates. They went after our enemies on the train with the intent of capturing one of them, and we haven't heard from any of them since."

It wasn't hard for me to piece together that that was this "Wangnan" person and their team.

"Oh? Did you tell them they were going to die too?" I asked. She seemed taken aback.

"Only Wangnan," she replied, "I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen."

"Did you try to warn him before or after he was already on the train?" I asked, "Hey, we have rules for these kinds of things where I'm from! Don't give people unwanted insight - just because you have access to that information doesn't mean it's for them."

"I'm a Navigator," Hwa Ryun said, clearly impatient, "It's my job. And when death is on the line, I think it's reasonable to be more straight forward."

I'll admit I was being a bit of a brat, but . . . I wouldn't call anything that comes out of her mouth straight forward.

"If you tell someone when it's too late, it's not helpful," I replied, "Even if I say something like 'Oh, I don't want to die.' - What am I supposed to do? You're telling me, but not Yuri or Bam or Evan or anyone who has a say in if I stay here any longer, so do you expect me to just do what I want and not worry about it?"

She seemed to consider this, but ultimately didn't acknowledge what I was saying at all, "It's just the truth. Help me find out what happened to Wangnan and the others, and I'll help you stay on the train, at least. You can't come with us to the Floor of Death, but you can survive a little longer."

She pushed herself off the wall, "I'll give you the night to consider, but in the meantime, let's head back. Yuri will be busy with Endorssi for the next three months - we don't have to worry about any of that for the time being."

We walked in silence. Actually, I'm a little jealous of her . . . It would be nice to be as confident in what I see as she is. For me, I feel like I misunderstand things a lot and race to conclusions. I have a good intuition, but it's hard to distinguish between that and the parts of me that are just crazy and broken. I wish I could help people - even if it was just the cold cut of truth. I'm more of a serrated knife than a clean blade. I try too hard in all the wrong ways, and I think I do more harm than good. . . and I can't tell anyone about it, because if I do, they'll feel like they'll have to help or reassure me.

Hwa Ryun is probably a bit lonely - from what I've seen, she holds herself away from the rest of the group, and doesn't seek out company - but she has a purpose in life.

I'll have to apologize to her for being rude, but . . . I'm not sure how to say it. I did see how people relied on her during the test, and if she says she's just telling the truth about it, I have to believe her.

Maybe I don't want to die, but . . . I don't know if it's my place to decide that. Especially after I've spent so much time wanting to. It seems like I'm betraying my past self or being a spoiled brat to turn death down now.

All of these thoughts are confusing; in any case, we got back to the base, and Bero Bero almost immediately sidled up to me. I think she was trying to be subtle, but when I was with Hwa Ryun, it seemed. .. . pointless. Hwa Ryun didn't say anything, though. Like, I knew she knew Bero Bero was there, but she just walked off, probably to her room.

"How did it go?" Bero Bero asked.

"With Bam?" I wasn't sure how to respond. Have I been that obvious about liking him? I'm not even sure how I feel yet, but . . . "He let me walk with him, and we talked about how pockets work."

Cherry La drifted over to us, but didn't say anything. Bero Bero seemed to be considering.

"Do you think it could be like a fated encounter?" she asked suddenly. I think I actually shrieked.

"No, no way!" I said, "We just met, and. . ."

"But you could tell he was showing off," Bero Bero said, "And you keep looking at him. . . . "

"There's no way he was showing off!" I replied, "The test was too hard to worry about something like that! And. . and. . . . I don't mean to be a bother towards him, but . . . ."

I had to trail off there. I'll be getting off on the 40th floor in three weeks, after all. And then I guess I'm going to die.

I'm going to die because I kept wishing so hard to when I was younger. Why couldn't I have just died then, before I regretted it?

"Do you have any spare clothes?" Cherry La finally spoke up, saving me from the conversation. I think she was considerably less engaged in it than Bero Bero was.

". . . No," I replied; Cherry La nodded to herself but didn't say anything.

"I feel bad for Khun, though," Bero Bero continued, guiding us towards the kitchen, "He's been pining after Bam this whole time, and now he's gotten two rivals in less than a week. Hey, Cherry La, don't you think their group is really strange? I haven't said anything before, but . . . . "

Cherry La didn't say anything. Bero Bero slowly fell into silence too. I felt a little bad.

"Why's their group so strange?" I asked.

What Bero Bero had to say was definitely really interesting. I do not regret asking.

"Well, first, they showed up when we were getting on the Hell Train, going after this girl called Rachel." Bero Bero said, "And she woke up the Slayer Candidate White, and it turns out that Bam is also a Slayer Candidate. . . .and Khun says the weirdest things about Bam, like, 'If he dies in that Rice Pot I'm going to be like Daniel and devote my life to raising him from the dead'. And they've got a high ranking Princess who joined up with them out of the blue and treats him like a little brother. . .and now another Princess has shown up who keeps arguing about him being her boyfriend, but he doesn't treat her like a girlfriend at all. They have a Guide, and now they're going to the floor of death. . . "

She was ticking things off on her fingers as she went on, "Their other companions were a lot more normal. It seems like we've dodged a bullet not getting involved, huh, Cherry La?"

"I wouldn't say we're not involved," Cherry La said, "We're still staying with them on the train, for now."

This seemed to trouble both of them greatly. I tried to sort that out in my head, but for the time being it mostly rakes up questions.

"Oh, and then he found another irregular laying around on the ground," Bero Bero, "I'm sorry, but imagining you actually getting off on the 40th floor is really hard. Augh, I just wanted to get on the hell train with Mr. Aka so that we could get to the higher floors faster . . . ."

"Mr. Aka was a little strange too, though," Cherry La had to admit.

"You could trust him, though," Bero Bero said, "I'm not sure I can trust a Khun at all, and I don't know what to think about having so many Princesses around. . . it feels like Jahad is breathing down my neck."

"Who's Rachel?" I asked, finally. I was still trying to process the first part of what Bero Bero had said.

Bero Bero shrugged, "Some girl Bam's chasing. That's all I know. I think he's in love with her."

"So. . . Hold on," I stopped where I was and held up my pocket so I could make a diagram on it, "So, Bam likes Rachel, and then. . . Khun and Endorssi like Bam, and Yuri won't let Endorssi go after Bam, right?"

"To be honest, I think everyone likes Bam," Bero Bero said, "Wangnan's whole team was like in love with him? And I think Yuri has a crush on him too."

"She's way too old for him, though," Cherry La said, "Since he's an irregular, he doesn't have the same longevity as a Princess of Jahad. He's probably in his twenties. Since she's a Ranker too. . ."

I still don't know what a Ranker is. I guess someone who climbed to the top of the tower? But there isn't a top of the tower? And not everyone at the top of the tower is a ranker, even if they climbed there? Only the strongest get ranked, and everyone else is a regular? I don't know.

I just don't know.

"Then Endorssi would be way too old for him too," Bero Bero said, "Since she's a Princess."

"But she's probably still a lot younger than Yuri. . . . "

I can't believe I'm in a world where age is this nebulous, to be honest.

"Okay, so," I interrupted, "That's normal though. I don't get why it's so strange?"

Bero Bero held one hand up while she muttered to Cherry La, "She thinks it's normal because she likes Bam already."

"Hey! I'm just used to love triangles! Okay - what's a Slayer Candidate?"

Cherry La was the one who explained this time. She still seemed groggy, but was keeping pace with the gossip. I guess deep in their hearts, there is not a single person in this world who can resist gossip.

"A Slayer is one of the leaders of FUG," Cherry La said, "They're trying to kill Jahad and overthrow the ten great families."

". . . .Ten great families?"

So anyway, this turned into a lecture on tower politics really quick. Apparently, everyone in the tower is ruled over by King Jahad, who was the first person to conquer the 135th floor - I think Bero Bero said it was the 135th? I'm bad with numbers, though . . . - alongside ten other warriors. The other ten warriors had families, and those families became the ten great families that are basically noble houses.

Khun is apparently from one of them, and one of Bam's other companions was also a member of a noble house, but she's apparently gotten lost.

("There's no way she survived," Bero Bero said, "But they're telling Bam she's probably okay so that he doesn't worry and run off again.")

Bero Bero's right, though . . . . The way people act around Bam is a little unusual. It makes me feel like I shouldn't trust him, but . . . . It's not that he's done anything. Rather, what I'm afraid to trust are my feelings. How do I know I genuinely like him, as opposed to just feeling like I should like him because everyone else does?

My feelings get muddled up with everyone else's so often, and. . . I don't know how to explain it, but it's worse here. During dinner, I had to stop eating half way through because Boro and Sachi were talking about someone they lost and my rice just turned. . . sour. Bero Bero ate what I couldn't though, so it was fine. I felt bad though.

And it's getting worse. It was barely noticeable at first - I didn't start thinking something was off until we were halfway through preparing dinner, when I looked up at Bero Bero and saw a trail of light snaking off somewhere into the distance. When I blinked it disappeared.

So far I haven't heard anything really strange - no voices. No visions that could account for anything other than a disturbance, and I mean, I've had disturbances before. It just means I need more sleep, or to get some water or something. It's never been . . . like this.

I really need to start meditating; and maybe I should have done that this evening after dinner, but instead I went to visit Hwa Ryun. I didn't even have to worry about being lost. I just focused on her for a moment, and then followed the red light that wound its way toward her door. It's not completely new - I used to do things like that all the time to find things at work - but normally my eyes can't actually see what I'm looking at.

"It's starting, then," she said, when I knocked. She leaned against the door frame, "You're really out of luck."

"I just need to build more walls," I said; I'm not sure why I said more, because I'm not really sure if I've built any walls before ever, but she laughed.

"No amount of walls will help you now," she said, "You don't have shinsoo where you're from, do you? Not like this. You're not just an irregular, you're from another world entirely."

". . .Irregulars aren't normally from other worlds?" I asked. She shrugged.

"No one really knows where irregulars are from," she replied, "But that's not the point. It'll take you a while to adjust, I imagine. We'll find Wangnan and the others in the meantime. I want to know . . . ."

Her voice caught, for a second, but when she continued it was like nothing had happened, "Whether there's anything left of the bodies. There probably won't be, knowing Hoaquin."

"Is that why you stopped Bam from going after them?" I asked. She hesitated, then stepped into her room. I followed after her, and she shut the door behind us.

"I'm not sure how he'll react to finding out his teammates are actually dead," she said, "When he thought Ehwa and Rak were dead, he locked himself in his room for a day and wouldn't eat - then he went to see the God of Guardians in the rice pot, and now he's mostly stable. I don't want to ruin that. He's. . . . very strong."

She looked at me directly, "If you can avoid getting involved with him, you should. You have too many rivals anyway."

"I'm beginning to understand that," I said.

"Don't get involved with Khun either," she added; she was setting up a tea pot and space heater by this point, "He's more in love with Bam than he is with himself, and more in love with himself than he'll ever be with anyone else."

"Understood."

"And Endorssi is off limits because Princesses of Jahad aren't allowed to date," Hwa Ryun continued, "Just. . .you just got here, so don't fall in love."

"The more you tell me not to the more inclined I am to do so," I replied, flopping down next to her, "I love danger and excitement. I should fall in love with all three of them, and also Yuri."

"There's such thing as too much danger and excitement," Hwa Ryun replied, but her lips quirked up in a half smile.

"I will love everyone," I replied, then, more seriously, "Besides, all of you seem like you need it."

"Don't go trying to save us," Hwa Ryun says.

"Watch me," I reply, "I will save everyone."

We're silent for a moment, and I add, "Just kidding. I can't even save myself."

The tea finishes, and Hwa Ryun pours some for each of us. It's nice - not spiced, obviously, which would be preferable, but still sweet and soothing, even without milk or honey.

"Please don't joke about being a heroine," Hwa Ryun says, "I know it seems cold of me to say that, but . . . Too many try to be heros in this place, and all they do is trample others underfoot."

"Do you think Bam will be like that?" I ask. She looks at me, and then away. After a moment, she reaches up to touch the eyepatch over her eye.

"Bam gave me this," she says, "When we first met. It was during a test - I'd gone after Rachel, and he was trying to protect her, but he was untrained. The shinsoo attacked me of it's own accord, responding to his desperation. He's a nice boy, but niceness doesn't always cut it."

I'm not sure what to think about that. I have to agree with Hwa Ryun on one point - niceness isn't always any use. People spend so much time trying to convince themselves they're nice, that they're one of the good ones, that they're unable to help when it really counts. I can't be mad at them, though - they're trying their best.

God, I sound so condescending. We all have our struggles. It's not like I'm good either. Good is a myth, but it's an important one. It gives us something to work towards. It's just that . . .we can never accept that something is good at face value. We have to understand it first, before we can hold it as a virtue. Anything in excess will only harm the person clinging to it, and the people around them. It's been said before, but poisons are only medicines taken too much, without regard for the body's needs. None of us are ideals - we're all people, and people are complicated.

"Does it still hurt?" I asked. Hwa Ryun made a face - one part wry "You're kidding, right?" and two parts "Ugh, don't remind me."

"No," she replied, "I suppose I'm lucky. It could react to cold weather or humidity or whatever, but it's just a scar. He didn't mean to do it, and he's grown a lot since then. . . it was years ago. I've done my share in hurting him back."

I didn't ask what she was talking about. I'm not sure I'm ready to know.

"So when do you want me to go looking for Wangnan?" I asked, trying to steer the converstaion to other things; she pulled a phone from the pocket of her jacket - it really is getting cold. I know I said this before, but I was envious about her warmer clothes.

"Tomorrow," she replied, "I've set the bait with Emily already - you'll meet the person there. I'm sure. . . you'll know what to do, but whatever happens, don't start a fight. The people you're getting involved with are stronger than you can imagine."

We finished our tea in silence, and then I went back to - I guess this is Bam's room. His blankets don't smell like anything, and I'm grateful for that. It would be embarrassing if I could smell him. I'll have to make sure and change the sheets before I leave, so that I don't leave my scent behind either.

Assuming I live through Hwa Ryun's test. . . well, I guess I should try meditating tonight. Maybe it'll be safe. I'm in another world, after all. What could have followed me here?

I wonder if I made the right choice. I only have three weeks to finish what I've started, after all. Then I'm getting off on the 40th floor and taking my chances. Fate might insist on trying to trap me here, but I'm not getting any closer. I can feel their pain through the walls even now, stronger than I've ever felt it before. . . and I don't think that's just my body reacting to the shinsoo.

I think they're hurting more than anyone I've ever met, and that's . . . that's saying a lot. I've never been in a war zone, but I'm not sure there's a person I've known who hasn't been abused and neglected just as much as I have. I can't risk hurting these people anymore, not when they've been so kind to me.

I'd rather face death than be a poison for them.

I'll try to get some sleep tonight. I'll help Hwa Ryun, but . . . I don't know what's going to happen after that.

* * *

* I'm not. . . I'm not actually sure how Pockets work. . . I just don't know . . . so if this statement is wrong, that's on me and not Bam's fault haaaa.


	2. days two and three

**Disclaimer:** Whew! I meant to update this on the nineteenth but real life happened instead. Getting this chapter was really difficult, but it turned out pretty rewarding in the long run. I now have a concrete goal and a mentor! Speaking of whom, I won't really be able to cover it in this story because of the diary format, but I would like to make a side story at some point that covers more of my relationship with Black*/ learning techniques from her. I'm a little nervous about learning the Arie techniques, but honestly it's probably fine since my character won't be able to master them all in the time before the next arc, so most of her techniques will ultimately be her own. Especially since she has _that_ characteristic now . .. I wonder how well it fits in the story, but hopefully it'll come together later.

*I know Black isn't. . .actually named black, but when I was writing this chapter I could have sworn at some point she said something about referring to herself as Black? So while it's not canon, for the purposes of this story, Hwa Ryun or Bero Bero started calling her that and it stuck. Her name is Black in my mind forever now we leave canon behind and die like men.

Thank you for the reviews! infinitaetas: I know we already talked about this fic on tumblr, but I really appreciate your encouragement on Bam's characterization ;a; I hope I continue to write him well for you! I also hope I can keep making my interactions with all the characters interesting and meaningful. . . .though this chapter focuses on only a handful of people. . . .

Mysterious guest - I. .. have updated! I hope you get to read it and enjoy it!

 **Day 2 since arrival to the conscious plane:**

Okay, so the pockets do follow you. I wonder if I should be capitalizing that? Are they a brand name? Anyway, today started simply enough - Bero Bero brought me some spare clothes. They are way too big - I've had to hitch the skirt up and supplement it with one of Hwa Ryun's jackets - but they're cozy. I don't know what I'm going to do about clean underwear - why couldn't Miaka had shared her answer in the first volume of Fushigi Yuugi? How am I supposed to be prepared for these things when no fantasy novel worth it's salt will talk about it?

I'll probably have to suck it up and wash the one pair I have by hand but . . . . ugh that sounds awful I don't want to. Though night would probably be the best time for it, so . . . . well, it's not happening tonight, anyway.

So after I was dressed, she dragged me along to help make breakfast. Apparently, she's not a very good cook either, and so it was a matter of us working together, but I think . . . between the two of us we managed to figure it out. Cherry La was still sleeping.

"You seemed nervous in the kitchen yesterday," was all she said about the matter, "So I thought we'd be in the same boat. I can't take care of my team as well as I want to without getting better, though."

Bero Bero is the leader of her team now, I guess, although right now it's only her and Cherry La - but she seems like a good leader. I want to be braver too. I think I may have thanked her a few too many times, though she bore through it patiently. In any case, I'm pretty sure she was lying about not being a good cook - she seemed very confident about what she was doing, and everything turned out well, in the end.

It looked like someone had been through the kitchen already, in the wee hours of the morning - probably one of the four who were training, since Sachi and Boro drifted in eventually.

"They haven't stopped at all?" I asked; it was a lot quieter when it was just the four of us - eventually five, by the time Cherry La drifted in to settle next to Bero Bero - though it wasn't entirely a bad vibe, either.

"Not that I can tell," Boro said, "Whatever it is, Khun seems really pumped up about it. I think I heard Endorssi scavenging around in the kitchen last night, though."

I have a worrying concern that Khun hasn't eaten at all. There's not much I can do about it now, though I asked Bero Bero if she could drop some food off by the door for him and Evan tonight. She says it's not really a problem. Someone from the Ten Families - and this is a quote, I remember it almost perfectly - "Won't die from something small like not eating for a couple of months."

I feel very weak. I can't imagine going that long without food, especially if I was actively doing something. I mean, three weeks is supposed to be the upper limit of how long a body _can_ go without food; even if you're fat, the stores of fat only do any good supplementing food, not replacing it entirely.

So I guess I can imagine going that long without food, but it's basically an exercise in imagining my death. When I seemed shocked, Bero Bero shrugged, "The Ten Families are like that. The same is true for Princesses of Jahad, though they can probably go even longer. I'll bring them food though."

She didn't ask where I was going to be, but her gaze rested on Hwa Ryun for a moment when the redhead came in to get some food, and then glided out.

Eventually conversation drifted to other things - that the train was getting colder, what kind of monsters we could expect as we got closer to the 40th floor. It was cozy. Bero Bero made coffee for everyone and then put candy in hers.

After breakfast, I helped to clean up, and then Bero Bero drifted off with Cherry La. Sachi and Boro talked for a bit longer over their coffee, promising that they'd wash their cups and telling me not to worry about waiting for them.

It was weird . . . it's like everyone knew I was heading out with Hwa Ryun, but I'm not sure that's a thing I can ask about. Once they'd shoo'd me from the kitchen, the only place to go was Hwa Ryun's room, where she was waiting for me.

"I know I've already requested your help," she said as we left, "But I'd like for you to keep all of this a secret, especially from Bam."

"All of this. . . " she moved quickly, and it was difficult for me to both follow her and her conversation when I had to jog just to keep up with her. It's not that she's much taller than me - actually, it's quite possible that I'm taller than _her_ , but maybe she just has really strong legs. Or longer legs in general. Compared to my torso, I guess my legs are a little short. . . . My mom's mentioned that, but I make a point of ignoring what she has to say about my body.

"Us going out to find dead bodies?" I asked, "I mean, that was already a secret, right?"

"But it's important that no one knows they're dead," Hwa Ryun corrected, "I'm not sure how they'll handle it. We've already lost some important people, and this would be incredibly demoralizing."

I gave up trying to keep track of where we were going. In any case, I have no head for directions anyway, so I'd probably still get lost.

Other than the path to the rice pot, which I swear is branded in my head. I was thinking about Bam all of last night, and I'm not sure I slept enough because of it. I hope he's alright.

"But. . . won't they find out eventually?" I asked, "They'll need time to heal . . . "

"We're on a battlefield," Hwa Ryun cut in sharply, "There is no time to heal. We just need to put it off until there will be. . .and that won't be until we reach the Floor of Death."

"So this isn't about you needing to know what happened," I clarified, "It's about making sure no one stumbles on the evidence."

Hwa Ryun was silent; she glanced at me with her one good eye as we turned a corner, and I continued, "This isn't the kind of thing we're meant to control."

"It's not about control," Hwa Ryun replied; I think by this point she was beginning to lose patience with me, and she focused on the path before us, "It's about doing the best we can do."

We both lasped into silence; our footsteps on the train's floor were the only sounds in the hall. It was strange - they'd warned me so much about monsters, and Bam had clearly been worried about them before, and yet I had yet to see a trace of any such thing.

"I'm . . . just a Navigator," Hwa Ryun said, after a while, "I'm like a compass or a sextant - I only know the direction we need to grow in to reach our destination. I can see which way the wind blows, and I can follow the currents, but I can't choose the path we take. I can't decide where we go. All I can do is warn the people who can. If they're dead, it's too late."

"You have to take some responsibility, though!" I reply, "If you know something, you still have to say it. Whether you're a Navigator or not, you're still a person, and that means you have to take care of the people around you - you can't just . . . lie to them because you think that's easier."

Though even though I was saying this, I guess I felt uneasy - it's one thing to apply those standards to myself, even if I fail to meet them just as often as I succeed, but it's another thing to expect the same from other people. I have no idea what they've been through or what they're going through - sometimes people are far gone enough that the slightest pressure is enough to break them. I can't ask anyone to break themselves for my idea of what's right or what's wrong.

But . . . still, hiding this kind of truth - won't that mean that they'll look back on the time they've peacefully enjoyed their lives and feel guilt for not knowing their companions were dead? The longer they go without the truth, the more of a world they'll have built on lies - it's one thing to hide something small, or neglect to mention something meaningless, like someone teeth being crooked or that you took so long to get back to them because you'd forgotten, but . . . death is serious. It's something you can't hide forever, and it's something that you can't recover from until you know it.

Bam and the others were worried, during the test - and they'll keep worrying until something can be done about it.

Well, even if I say that now, I still feel a bit uneasy.

"I suppose you're right," Hwa Ryun said; she sighed, and ran her fingers through her hair, but that seemed to be it. We rounded a corner, suddenly arriving at crossroads, and then she stopped, turning towards me, "I can't go any farther than this, but Black will meet you here soon. She's pretty unmistakable - white hair, red eyes, pale skin. Understand? I'll see if I can find the bodies from further away. . . .though I doubt they're out of Emily's range."

"Oh, okay," I replied; I wasn't sure at the time, but I wonder if she was angry that I'd been arguing with her. I wouldn't blame her. She turned to leave, heading down one of the paths.

Before she could leave entirely, she turned her head to look back at me over her shoulder, "But even if you are right . . . I'm not sure what Bam will do when he finds out. And he's too much of a wild card for me to risk it."

Then she was gone; I was left alone with my thoughts, unsure how long it would be before Black arrived.

My thoughts were not very bright, I'm afraid. I mostly dwelled on what I'd been hearing about Bam. I'm pretty sure it's too late - it's a given that I've already fallen for him, as is my wont, but . . . .

Even if his reaction is extreme, it's better to know the truth than to live a lie. I firmly believe that. And. . . death is one of those things you have to get used to slowly. You can't just pretend it never happens.

That sounds so cold though. I guess I'm a cold person when it comes down to it. I'll have to work harder. Maybe I'm just trying to justify how I think things should go, now that I've found the body. . . well.

More on that later I guess.

I'm not sure quite how long I was waiting; nothing came to bother me for a while. I found my pocket, even though I know I hadn't brougth it with me, but there wasn't a lot to do. It's bouncy - I spent some time bouncing it on the ground and chasing after it. Bam said it has a time function somewhere but I never actually got around to checking that. . . . .

Which is unusual for me. Back home I . . .can't stop looking at the time. I guess when you jump between worlds time stops feeling real for a while. I mean, maybe this is all a very vivid dream. Or maybe it's not even a vivid dream - it just seems vivid because I'm dreaming it, but I'll wake up and none of it will have been real, and I won't remember anything.

I probably would have waited a lot longer if it weren't for the scream that rang through the hallway; as it was, though, I left my pocket behind again - I mean, I fully intended on coming back for it - and sprinted down the hallway. The scream was short lived, so I had to put all my force into running.

I mean, I think I can be fast under the right circumstances. I couldn't carry the pocket if I wanted to be fast, anyway. Carrying something makes it impossible to run.

The hallway quickly opend up into another room, where a girl was sprawled on her back, scrambling backwards - out of the reach of the giant, um. . . I want to call it a lion? Or maybe a hyena. It looked like a spotted lion of some sort with a mane like hyenas have, only it was terrifyingly big, easily the size of. . . well, actually, lions are pretty big anyway. It was about the size of a car, but now that I think about it, that's how big lions are.

We live in a pretty interesting world. Or. I used to, I guess. . . . .

I didn't think about it too much before I put on another burst of speed, leaping between her in the lion, one leg snapping out as I tried simultanouesly balancing and attacking.

My heel crushed into it's nose; it snarled, and immediately bit me, my ankle making a really unfortunate crunching sound. I yelled wordlessly, slamming my fist down on it's nose again, "Let go! LET GO!"

It growled, a deep sound from the back of it's throat, and opened it's mouth. I toppled over, which meant it barely missed as it snapped at the place where my arm had been. My knee hit the pavement. I heard, or felt, the beast lift it's paw - and then, I'm not really sure how to describe it, but I guess. . . the room filled with golden light. My clothes seemed to burn away at first, subsumed in light, before being replaced with something else entirely. Panels of white light appeared between me and the monster's claws. Everything seemed to freeze for a moment - and then a voice that wasn't mine spoke from my lips.

"Get back," it said; I don't think it was talking to the beast before me, but rather the girl behind me. My ankle stopped hurting for the time being, and I straightened from my kneeling position. As I stood, I felt my hand grip the pommel of a sword, and my body knew what to do with it - even though I've never held a sword in my life.

The lion growled, white ears flattening back. I stared back at it evenly, dimly aware that I was still emanating light. Eventually, the lion backed down, slinking away backwards at first until it was out of reach of the light, when it straight up turned tail and ran.

I'm still not entirely sure what happened - well, I know, but it connects to some delusions I have about my previous life. I don't want to think about them too hard. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is that apparently I'm a magical girl. My clothes were suitably fancy as well - and, well, not entirely practical. My hair was done up, somehow - I'm not sure how since there weren't exactly any mirrors around - and I could feel something around my neck, like a choker or. . maybe a gorget would be a better term? It felt like I was partially in armor, and from what I could see, I was, but . . . my middle was absolutely bared, and the knee length white skirt I wore, layered over with chain mail, had a long slit up the right side, which I only noticed when I took a step forward to kneel in front of the blond girl I'd found being terrorized by a monster.

It's. . . I don't know if I'll ever wear that outfit again, because dreams can be kind of strange, but it was a combination of chain mail armor, leather straps, lace and silk that honestly makes no sense. I had boots. And a thick cloak, though. . . the shoulder that didn't have a pauldron (or maybe it's a spaulder) on it was bare, so maybe it would be more accurate to call it a train?

This is definitely a dream though, the more I think about it. There's no way I'm actually a magical girl, I can't believe I wrote that with my own hands. I'm so childish. Anyway.

"Are you alright?" I asked the girl; my voice still wasn't mine, layered with bells and fire and a heavy accent that I couldn't place just from listening, though I have an idea of where it came from in actuality, "Can you stand?"

She just kind of . . . stared at me, for a moment. I stared back - she had mellow eyes like sunlight sneaking in through the window in the morning, or like white tea in a fine white cup, and messy blond hair tied back for practicality rather than any sort of style. Freckles littered her face, and she wore a plain brown robe.

For the moment, she didn't seem to know what to say, then she nodded, scooting backwards from me. I stood again, offering my gauntleted hand, and she took it.

All at once the transformation I'd been under wore off. Light seeped away from me, scattering throughout the room in a kaleidoscope of color before vanishing. My ankle hurt intensely and I almost collapsed trying to put my weight on it. My clothes went back to being Bero Bero's dress and Hwa Ryun's jacket. I could not help swearing as I tested it again.

Why is it always my ankle?

"Who are you?" the girl asked, almost all business now that I was no longer a revived saint, and rather just myself. I winced, stumbling over to sit down instead of answering at first, before I finally managed to croak out, "Min."

There was an awkward silence before I remembered I'm supposed to ask other people's names too, "Who're you?"

The girl seemed to be considering something before she answered, but eventually she said, steadily, "Michel Light. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"And yours as well," I managed. It was easier to talk once I'd settled myself against a pillar. She seemed to still be considering something, so I considered how to get back to where I had been. I would probably have to crawl. . . but no way in hell was a crawling in front of a stranger.

"Do you need help?" she asked, eventually. I looked up from where I'd been staring (probably somewhat moodily, I suppose) at the ground, and quickly waved her off.

"No, no," I replied, "I'm fine. I'm not in your way, am I?"

She seemed displeased by this, but didn't force the topic. Her eyes strayed towards the back of the room, where the lion-like creature had gone, then she pulled something out of her pocket.

It looked like. . . a regular phone?

Do they have those here?

While she busied herself with that, I craned my head, trying to see what she was looking at. It looked like there was a door back there, but in the meantime I busied myself with toeing my shoes off.

Even though I don't quite understand why, I'd apparently been sleeping in my socks when I arrived. That's not something I generally do, but with everything that had been happening, it hadn't really settled in until now. In any case, they were the only thing that was mine and actually with me at this point, so while Michel did whatever she was doing, I pulled off both of my socks, wrinkling my nose at the smell, and busied myself with trying to make them into some sort of tourniquet. Originally, I'd just been planning on splinting my ankle a little, but the blood was a bit excessive and probably could use some dampering.

"Please don't put those on your . . . don't," Michel said, while I was measuring the sock around my ankle. I heard her cross the room, and she stopped a foot or so in front of me, "What are you doing?"

"Can't walk like this," I replied, "And everything else I'm wearing is borrowed. Absurd as it is, I only own my socks."

"You'll get an infection," she knelt before me now, pulling out a yellow box - a lighthouse, I guess, since other than the color it looked just like Khun's - and rooting around in it.

"I'll put on antibiotics when I get back," I replied, but she was not listening. Instead, she pulled out what looked like a first aide kit, and leaned back so she could sit cross-legged.

Then, without asking for permission or any such manners, she just grabbed my leg and hauled my foot into her lap, setting the first aide kit beside her.

As she bandaged me up, she asked questions - where was I from? What had I been doing? She didn't seem very happy with how evasive I was, but . . .I wasn't really sure what to tell her.

"I just kind of woke up here recently, so I'm not sure . . . . "

"A friend of mine wanted me to look for something. I don't know all the details, but I was supposed to meet someone."

"Ah, I guess she's called 'Black'. There's someone named 'White' on this train too, isn't there? What's with all the color names?"

"Well, there were a lot of people around when I woke up. I haven't met Black yet, but there were Bero Bero, Cherry La, Bam . . . "

I don't remember most of the questions she'd asked before that, but her hands seemed to twitch when I said Bam's name. Maybe I was imagining it though, because she just continued on as if she hadn't noticed, "So they gave you clothes?"

"Um, well," it was a little embarrassing to admit, "I only had the one set of clothes, honestly. . . ."

"That was nice of them," she said, and straightened the edge of the wrapping she'd applied to my ankle, "There. See if you can stand a little this way."

She carefully moved my leg from her lap, and just as carefully, I put some weight on it. When it didn't immediately protest, I heaved myself up, using the pillar as a support so I didn't have to put too much force on it at once.

It did still hurt, but I could probably walk a little ways at a time this way. Michel seemed satisfied by this, and occupied herself with putting things back into the first aide kit.

I took a few steps back in the direction I'd come from, but then had to sit back down. The pain was too intense to last much longer without resting. She stopped what she was doing when she saw me sinking back onto my knees.

"Is it that bad?" she asked; I was pressing my fingers into my ankle in the hopes of making it hurt less, but honestly all I got for my troubles was more pain.

"No, I'm fine," I replied, "I just need to rest and get ice. . . ."

She frowned outright now, ". . . Do you want to come back with me?"

"No, I'm fine!" I replied, quickly, "It'll just take a little time!"

"Rachel, are you playing around?"

The new voice sent chills down my spine. It wasn't that it was cold - though there was a clipped, almost professional quality to it at first - so much as something about it made me feel sick. I turned to see who had entered.

"Hoaqin," Michel said, betraying the fact that, evidently, she was actually Rachel - presumably the same Rachel I'd heard about earlier, actually. I felt a little guilty for not figuring it out before, "Your timing is terrible."

"I'm sorry, was I interrupting?" Hoaqin said; he entered the room more fully - he was fairly tall, with long white hair pulled into a high pony tail and baggy white clothing. A silver crown was perched on his head, and he carried a sword at his side.

His eyes, as he glanced at me, were such a light grey that they were almost white, and lined in red. He bore a striking resemblance to a some sort of dangerous fish or serpent in the way he moved and spoke, but his eyes sealed the impression, "Here I'd thought you had a snack for me."

"Do what you will," Rachel said flatly, turning away, "I'll take care of the evidence in the other room."

"You mean the dead body in the other room?" I asked.

She stiffened. Her back was to me by this point, but I could see her trying to regain her composure.

Hoaqin made a strange barking laugh, "Why are you so offended? We're just cleaning up after ourselves."

"So there is actually a dead body in the other room," I said, "I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time processing this part."

"Should I eat you before you have the chance to be frightened?" he asked; Rachel slowly turned back to the conversation, not smiling or anything, but with a flat expression.

Something in her eyes made her seem guilty, ashamed - not like the man with her.

"You eat people?" I asked, "Rude."

I don't know why I was acting like this was a casual conversation about something simpler, like veganism or cutting in line at the theater (not that there are ever lines these days), but I think it was a little hard for my mind to process this whole, entire conversation.

 _Isn't it better not to look for them?_ That's what Hwa Ryun had said. I honestly have to wonder about where she got that sentiment ever, because honestly it would probably be best to save anyone who ran afoul of these people as soon as possible, even if they were dead.

There was really no point to it, but I felt my legs tense, as though I might possibly be able to run.

Without that strange transformation, anyway.

"You have an awfully smart mouth for a snack," Hoaqin commented, proving once again that he is a very rude person; he hefted the sword, "Rachel, take care of the body. I'll take care of this one."

Rachel turned away without saying anything. Hoaqin advanced on me, and I struggled back to my feet, if only to die standing.

He did not attack me with the sword, though, the way I expected him to. No, rather - as soon as he was within reach, he just reached out and sunk his hand into my chest. I felt him grasp something warm and burning inside of me, something I could almost mistake for my heart if it weren't so vast. For a moment, I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed; light seared across them either way, and I think I heard myself scream.

Hoaqin's face appeared as a grinning skull or a demon, I'm not sure which, but then suddenly, between flashes of light, he was not grinning anymore. The thing inside of me seemed to burn, gripping him back, and he snarled, yanking his hand back, pulling whatever he'd grabbed.

Something inside of me tore; the room was filled, again, with brilliant light, but this time I didn't transform. Instead I felt my body crumple. As the light faded, I could see Hoaqin staring at me with a hungry, wondrous look.

"What kind of soul are you carrying?" he asked, breathless, as though he'd been laughing or might start laughing at any moment. He reached out again - ignoring Rachel ordering him to drop it - but before he could touch me, a sword sliced down between us.

It was quickly followed by the body of a girl, probably about my age, I suppose - who bore a striking resemblance to Hoaqin, except her eyes were large and red, and she wore a short black dress. But she shared his long white hair, and if you set them side beside, they looked almost like twins.

(I would later be told, once everything was dealt with, that this was because Black - the woman who'd arrived - was a lot of ghosts formed in place of his sister/clone. Apparently, Hoaqin himself is a conglomeration of him and three of his siblings, and Black is the final piece in the puzzle of his power .. . I guess. I'm still a little fuzzy on the details, but it's hard to think right now, given the circumstances.)

"Not one meant for you, that's for certain!" she almost snarled as she said this, clearly overwhelmed with hatred. For a moment, Hoaqin seemed taken aback, then his eyes lit up.

"Black!" he snarled, "I'm glad to see you've come to your senses."

At the time, it was a little hard for me to follow the conversation; I kept fading in and out of consciousness. But as I write this, it becomes easier to fill in the blanks.

He said something about reclaiming the rest of his soul, which Black immediately denied him. Without wasting any time, she turned, snagging me and hauling her over her shoulder as though she weighed nothing.

I would not be surprised to find out she's also descended from one of the Ten Great Families who don't need eat for months at a time. I weigh over two hundred pounds, easy, but she didn't even seem to notice twenty of them.

Hoaqin attacked with his sword now, but Black paried him easily. I could now follow anything that they were doing, but I was able to look at Hoaqin's hand - the one he'd grabbed me with.

It was charred black up to his elbow, and something bright writhed under his skin, going unnoticed. Or maybe just uncommented upon - but it seemed to flicker in and out of my vision, so maybe it was something only I could see.

Or maybe it was slowly being absorbed by him.

"Give her back," I croaked, but I wasn't sure what exactly I was talking about. I don't think Hoaqin or Black even heard me. They traded blows once more before Black was sailing across the room, as though jumping that far were an easy, mortal feat.

"Your sins will be accounted for, White. Rachel," she said, and drove her sword into the floor before the door Rachel had been about to open.

The black landscape behind my eyes was slowly replaced by a battlefield, stained red by a sunset or the blood in my eyelids, it was hard to tell; I think I was falling asleep this way - when I next regained consciousness, Rachel was ordering Hoaqin to retreat. He did not seem to want to, but she gestured to his hand, and he seemed to acknowledge something. There was no light around his forearm now, only a black smear over his hand, as though he'd been dipped in oil.

A battlefield.

Darkness.

Black had made it through the door; she sighed a mournful sigh as she set me down. Darknes. Battle.

Darkness.

I know I'm being a bit melodramatic in how I write this, but I'm honestly not sure how else to put it on the page, to show what happened. I don't think telling really covers it, though. It sounds so fake that way.

I think I had part of my soul broken off of the rest and eaten by a very bad person. I remember Black hovering over me, saying something about how I was going to be fine; that there wasn't anything she could do for me. I remember endless white tiles, marked occasionally be red and black symbols.

I remember darkness. I definitely must have passed out at some point, because I awoke to the sound of a campfire. Someone had applied a damp cloth to my forehead - I would assume it was Black, since she was the only person there, and when I struggled to sit up, I felt . . . floaty - light, but in a bad way, as though something important were no longer holding me in place.

Black was watching me from the other side of the fire; even though I was a few feet away from it, it still seemed to burn my skin. I don't go camping often, so I forget how hot fire is.

I do all my cooking on a stove, like a regular person.

"Yeah, you're going to need to get that back," she said, "But I think you've stabilized for now. We'll see how long you can last this way. In the meantime, we found our body, so it's time to get back to Hwa Ryun."

"I need to find my pocket," I said, a bit muzzily. Black tilted her head.

"Maybe you should get some more rest," she said, "You can barely talk."

"My. . . pocket,"I said again, trying to ennunciate clearly. I don't think it worked, but she rolled the pocket to me anyway.

"Here's your diary," she said, "Write down what happened if it'll help you process, but then get some more rest. Are you hungry?"

I shook my head, and set about digging through the pocket for my journal. She brought me food anyway - just rice and vegetables, but I have to admit it was nice to have warm food in my stomache.

She seemed preoccupied earlier, and then went off to look for something; I haven't had a chance to really interrogate her, outside of her relationship to Hoaqin. Nor have I been able to speak very clearly - but I suppose that's for the best, honestly. I don't want to be interrogated either, and I don't think I'd really have any answers.

I guess I'll try to get some rest.

 **Day 3 since awakening:**

Well, I'm staying on the hell train. Everyone else was right, fate can't be fought. Blah blah blah. In other news, I got to see Bam today, which meant I got to utterly betray Hwa Ryun and everything she was trying to accomplish, I suppose. . . .

It's weird. I feel like I should be a different person, now that I'm missing part of my soul. Everything was so compartmentalized before. . . but I haven't even had any strange dreams, that I can remember. I don't think I've been acting differently.

Black lead me back to camp almost as soon as I was awake. She'd snuffed out the fire, and paid respects to the dead on behalf of his friends and loved ones.

"Akraptor," she said, "I can only assume at least one of the other ones was food for Hoaqin, as well. If we're lucky, the other two are alive - but that could backfire just as much."

"I need to tell Bam," I said immediately. She looked at me then - really intensely, as though appraising me in light of something I hadn't been privy to. Something in the back of her eyes seemed to spark, and I hurried to speak my mind before she could form a new judgment of me, "I know Hwa Ryun said not to tell him, but he needs to know. If everyone's lying to him . . . . That's not good for him, is it? You can't bring someone back from the dead, can you?"

And even if you could. . . all the stories say it only ends in tragedy. There's nothing that can be gained from denial.

"That works out for me," Black said, amiably, "I should probably leave you with him in the Rice Pot for a while if I'm going to convince Yuri you should stay. Since you already broke the rules and left the main group . . .twice."

"I mean, she knows about the first time," I replied; it was a little embarrassing when she put it like that - but everyone had seen me leave with Bam, more or less, right?

"She might not like having a rival," Black said. Her voice was teasing, but I didn't have a response to that other than to avert my eyes.

"It's not like we have to be rivals," I said, "No one can survive with just one important person in their life."

Rather abruptly, Black reached out settling her hand on the top of my head. I was suddenly aware that she was only a little taller than me, even though she seemed so statuesque and impressive. She smiled down at me as I stared at her in disbelief, and only said, "I think I'm going to like you."

We set about cleaning up the camp. I was sore all over, and my ankle still hurt enough that I could barely stand on it, but I did what I could. She asked me a few pointed questions, but my answers - like always - were disappointing.

In turn, though, she let me ask her questions - more details about her relationship with Hoaqin, how she new everyone else. . .that kind of stuff.

"He seems like an interesting guy," was what she had to say about Bam, "But he's stronger than his friends give him credit for. He has to be strong in order to be the kind of person he is."

As for Hoaqin. . . he sounds like really bad news, that's for certain. I'm not sure what to think about what happened between me and him, and Black didn't have as much insight as either of us would have liked.

"I think he tore off a bit of it, but not the whole thing," she said, "It's strange - most people wouldn't be able to survive having their soul damaged like that, and they wouldn't have been able to fight back the way you did, either. I'm not sure what caused you to hurt him like that, but I suppose for the time being we should be grateful, right?"

By this point, we were done packing up, and I shouldered some of the camping supplies, following after Black as we made our way . . . back. That. That looks really awkward.

Nevermind. I'll need to get pencils as soon as I can.

"I suppose so," I had to admit, "But . . . I'm still worried."

She tousled my hair again, as though to say everything was going to be alright, and we slowly fell silent. I turned over how to tell Bam about his friend's fate, but couldn't really come to a satisfactory game plan.

Outside of the Rice Pot, Black turned to me.

"Are you ready?" she asked. I nodded - even if I didn't have a game plan, this was the sort of thing that I couldn't put off until I'd composed the perfect eulogy or anything. I don't know. I guess I still have doubts. . . Or regrets, rather. That's the word for doubts about things that have already happened.

"I'll be back for you after I've talked to Yuri. Don't go anywhere until then," she said, and then turned. I watched her go for a while, before I took a deep breath and turned to the Rice Pot.

Bam had said something about "going inside of himself" when we'd parted the day before; I'd assumed he meant something like meditation, even if it were meditation that required a spell or had a more concrete, tangible feeling to it than it did back home . . . but what I walked into was a sparring match; Bam was attacking a slender man with long blond hair and pointed ears - though the blond man suddenly held a hand up as I entered, easily deflecting Bam's attack.

Somewhat confused, Bam glanced at him, and then followed his gaze towards me, "Ms. Min?"

It honestly hadn't occured to me that I _looked_ injured until that moment; if it had I would have at least spared a moment to clean myself up some. The look that passed over his face was horrified, and he immediately broke away from the other man to cross the room towards me, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I said quickly, "It's just a twisted ankle. And some other stuff, I guess, but. . . I needed to talk to you about something."

"Let's get you off that ankle first," the blond man said, following after Bam towards me, "Whatever you have to say can wait that long, at least."

Bam's eyes lingered on my face as the blond man helped me over to a ledge - I couldn't meet his gaze. I wasn't sure how to communicate that everything would be okay, for him, or if that would even be appropriate. I have to admit. . . I've never been particularly phased by death. Maybe it's just that no one close enough to me has died for me to care, but the few people in my family I remember dying haven't elicited tears or anything other than confusion.

But I've seen how other people are affected by it, and that's enough to make me want to be careful and gentle with them - I just don't have an instinctive understanding of how it feels or what helps. Bam sat next to me without my asking, and the man he'd been sparring with quietly moved away, as though sensing this was a private conversation.

"What is it?" Bam asked; I'm not sure if it was because he had a sense of forboding, or if I'd been silent for that long, but I forced myself to take a deep breath.

"Ms. Hwa Ryun asked me to help look for your teammates," I said; at the time, it was simply the most diplomatic way I could think to explain things, but now that I'm writing this, I wonder if it was dishonest. The whole point in telling him about this was to be honest with him, but . . . I guess I want to believe Hwa Ryun's intentions were in the right place, too, "She had a bad feeling, so she wanted to find evidence of it."

Bam's hands, settled in his lap as he waited for me to speak, clenched as though of their own accord - there was no response in his face yet. I'm not sure if he was determined not to believe the worst, or if he was still processing the direction I was going. I had to look away from him.

"Black and I . . .found the body of one of your friends," I said, finally, "She said his name was Akraptor."

"No."

It wasn't a strangled noise - warped by emotion or urgency - but rather flat, steady. I looked at him instinctively, worried that I'd said the wrong thing, and his gaze was even, "You're lying, Ms. Min. Mr. Wangnan wouldn't let anyone die."

"Bam . . . " I wasn't sure what to say next; I hadn't expected him to just flat out deny what I was saying, but I remembered what Bero Bero had said, about people saying his other friends were okay just to keep him going, "I'm sorry. I-"

I didn't finish that sentence; my apology seemed to be the thing that broke his resolve, because his face twisted. He . . . I don't think he's the kind of person who's ashamed of his tears, because he did nothing to hide them from me. He didn't turn away or cover his face, but his body convulsed, like he could close in on himself.

I wanted to hold him, but . . . I didn't want to force myself on him, either, so I only reached out, gently touching his hand. When he didn't draw away, I settled my hand over his. A strangled noise came from him, and tears splattered down against the back of my hand. I wanted to apologize again, but this wasn't a situation that should hinge on my feelings - apologizing would surely do more harm than good.

"Why did you tell me this?" he asked, after the first wave of tears seemed to subside. He did not move his hand away, and neither did I, but I wondered if I should - if his accusation was a sign that I was intruding.

"Lying about it seemed wrong," was all I could say, and only after a long pause. His hand twisted under mine, and his fingers wrapped around mine tightly, as though suddenly I were anchoring him in place, but he didn't look at me. Another tear splattered against our fingers, and I hurried to continue, now that I'd broken the silence, "I'm not saying . . . I don't want to force everyone to focus on the bad things or to rub it in your faces, but. . it's the sort of thing you have the right to know, isn't it? You . . . should know when your companions are dead. There's no way to undo it, so you should at least know."

I did apologize now, "I'm sorry, I know I wasn't the right person to tell you. . . ."

"No," he said again, and now he did look up, "Thank you. I'm sorry you had to do this."

There was a strange, feverish look in his eyes. If Black had come back at that moment, I would definitely have had to tell her to wait. The look in his eyes, like a sunset or a candle flame, did not bode well. It was the kind of look people get in their eyes when they're about to do something very rash.

"It's not your fault," I said, suddenly, not sure if I was talking about the part where I'd told him Akraptor was dead, or the part where Akraptor had died, but not sure what else I could possibly say, "You didn't kill him."

Bam's fingers had gone slack, though he didn't pull away; his eyes were still intensely focused on my face though, and I couldn't look away, "I didn't protect him either."

"You can't protect everyone," I said, and then, because I guess I don't know when to shut up, "It's not your place."

He seemed very taken aback at this; for a moment, he leaned away from me, then seemed to slump over.

"I want to protect everyone though," he said; my heart quivered a little; it broke into a smaller piece.

"That's natural," I agreed, "To want to protect the people you care about and do good in the world. But you can't always treat people as though they're less than you."

This was confusing enough for him to make eye contact again, "How am I . . . Mr. Akraptor wasn't less than I was."

"I know," I said, "And . . . I don't think you think that he was. But you have to respect his decisions. You have to trust that he knew what he was doing, right?"

I can understand why Hwa Ryun was frightened; it was frightening, watching Bam's eyes as I spoke, hoping I hadn't said the thing that would make everything worse. It wasn't that I was afraid of him so much as I was afraid of what I could do to him. Of what I could turn him into.

I tangled my fingers with his without realizing it, as though I could hold him together with that small action.

"I do," he said, but he sounded hesitant. I also hesitated. Back in my world, I actually had a course in college on how to walk people through crises. It feels like I forgot everything I learned in this moment, and I'm still not sure how I could have done better.

You don't rampage over people's thoughts and tell them they're wrong, but that's pretty much what I was doing here, wasn't it?

"If you trust him, then . . . how was it your fault?" I asked.

"I let him and Mr. Wangnan go after Mr. Cassano without me," he said at once, immediately, without any hesitation. It was actually a little frustrating, even though I was trying so hard not to be manipulative. For a moment, we both just looked at each other, and then he said, "Ms. Min. . . I don't understand. I should have gone with them."

"You didn't know what was going to happen," I said. His eyes trailed away from my face, and then closed, as though he were recalling something painful.

"I should have talked to Mr. Khun sooner," he said, "Before . . . when I was in the Rice Pot last time, I encountered a demon. It told me my true power consumed everything, overwhelmed everything. It said that the people I relied on were just being sacrificed to fulfill my cause.

"When Mr. Wangnan and Mr. Akraptor and everyone left to go after Mr. Casano. . . I thought if I went with them, I'd be sacrificing them too. That my power would overwhelm them. But if the other option is losing them forever, I'd rather overwhelm them. I'd rather get stronger and protect them, so we can . . . ."

His voice cracked.

"Can I hold you?" I asked, because I didn't know what else to do, because I wanted to give him whatever comfort I could. He seemed take aback, but unlike earlier, when I'd unsettled him, I think the look on his face was more hopeful. He seemed to evaluate me for a moment, before nodding, and I pulled him into a hug.

"It's not that simple," I said, "It's natural to feel this way, but if you overwhelm someone, they disappear. They stop being themselves, and start just being what you make them into. That's what you were afraid of, right? That fear is natural too."

His weight was comforting for me, though I'm not sure why I needed comfort or if I was any help for him; I felt more confident pressed against him like this than I did looking him in the eye. Maybe that means my feelings were dishonest from the beginning.

"Everyone thinks I'm choosing Rachel," he said, suddenly, "Ms. Endorssi said I was choosing Rachel over her when we were at the Name Hunt station. . . and I think Mr. Rak and Mr. Khun thought so too but. . . I need to go to the Floor of Death. I don't know where else I can learn about being an Irregular. I chose the Name Hunt station over Mr. Akraptor, and I chose the Floor of Death over Ms. Endorssi and Ms. Ehwa. . . ."

"They were in danger, but I didn't protect them," he concluded, "I should have protected them. I shouldn't have risked them."

"It wasn't your fault," I said. For a long moment, he didn't argue; we just held each other, and then he pulled back.

"I'm not sure I believe you," he said, "But I know you're right - protecting everyone isn't the same as being able to stand beside them. Mr. . . The God of Guardians told me that too."

I nodded; there wasn't really anything I could say to that.

"Do you know about everyone else?" he asked, "Mr. Wangnan and Mr. Prince and Ms. Miseng . . . do you know what happened to them?"

"No," I had to admit that I didn't, but I also - now that I'd chosen this path, I had to tell him about Black's suspicions about Hoaqin, "Black says. . . Hoaqin probably ate one of them, though."

Bam flinched, and looked away for a moment, but he didn't reject what I was saying completely now. For a moment, he was silent - then he took a deep breath and turned back to me.

"Thank you for telling me, Ms. Min," he said.

I nodded; it sounded like our conversation was over now - and I felt like he'd be in good hands with the God of Guardians, who. . . I wasn't actually sure who that was, honestly. I braced myself, then wobbled up onto my feet.

"Ms. Min!" Bam's protest was immediate, and he stood as well, reaching out to steady me.

"It's okay," I said, quickly, "I kicked a lion in the mouth and it bit me."

I have to admit I said that largely because it sounded so absurd when I put it that way. Bam stared at me in horror for a moment, then stepped closer to me, wrapping my arm around his shoulders, "I'm walking you back."

"No, no," I replied; I did my best not to lean on him too much, which was easier while we weren't moving, and hoped he didn't notice just how heavy I was. I don't mind my weight that much except in situations like these, "I'm just waiting for Black. She said she'd be back after she talked to Yuri."

He stared at me intently, one hand still holding my arm in place, while the other hovered near my waist.

"It's just a weak ankle," I said, "I injure my ankles all the time."

"There's something you're not telling me," he said, as though he hadn't heard me, "Ms. Min. . . what happened when you went to look for evidence with Ms. Hwa Ryun?"

I had to struggle to find a way to put this that was fairly simple, "I fought a lion and had part of my soul taken away."

"Maybe some context would help," the voice of the blond man from earlier said. Bam glanced away from me, and I followed his gaze. The other man had disappeared at some point, because now he'd returned with a pack of ice.

He looked carefully between Bam and myself before continuing, "Sit down again, for the moment. If your friend is coming back for you, you're welcome to wait in here. A break every now and then is a good thing."

Looking at Bam, I could tell he wasn't completely sure about this - but when I tried to detach myself from him, his attention returned to me and he helped me back to the ledge we'd been sitting on before.

"I'm the God of Guardians," the blond man said, by way of introduction, "I have been training Bam in this place. I have every confidence he'll be able to learn what he needs to learn before he takes the next test."

"Still. . . " Bam said, "It's not that I mind Ms. Min being here while I train, but I don't think I have time for breaks."

"If you push your body too hard without breaks it'll break down," I argued, "Or at least, that's how it is in my world. I guess you're probably not eating either, are you?"

Bam seemed mystified, "I'm. . . I'm eating. The God of Guardians brings food for us both. Is. . . someone else not eating?"

"Nevermind," I grumbled, "I don't understand how anything works here. I'm glad you're eating, though. And you get sleep too, right?"

"I'll make sure he gets sleep," the God of Guardians said; he was kneeling in front of me, applying ice to my ankle. The throbbing from the evening abaited a bit, but I wasn't sure how to go about accepting the ice like this, "Why don't you tell us the full story, girl? Why, exactly, were you kickboxing a lion?"

"It wasn't kickboxing," I muttered; Bam chuckled, and I felt my cheeks burn. The God of Guardians smiled.

"Please tell us, Ms. Min," Bam said, when I remained silent, "I . . . don't want you to feel like you have to go through everything alone."

"I. . . Hwa Ryun left me to wait for Black because she didn't want to get in range of Emily," I said, "I heard someone scream, so I went to try to help them. A girl was being attacked by a lion, so I tried to fight the lion. . . . "

"I'm surprised you made it out in one piece," the God of Guardian's voice was contemplative, but he didn't actually ask how I had.

"Anyway, she turned out to be Rachel, I guess. And Hoaqin showed up, and tried taking my soul but. . . I guess it burned him? Black wasn't sure why it would do that, but he tore part of it out anyway. Black says I should try to get it back, so she's talking to Yuri about my staying on the train longer. I'm . . . sorry. I don't mean to intrude."

"No, you're fine," Bam said, quickly, "I'm glad you're alright."

The God of Guardians nodded as well, "That is a difficult thing to survive. . . I'm sure that if your body has stabilized already, you'll be fine, but leaving your soul in the hands of another is never comfortable. Come, boy. You have many companions to protect."

Bam looked up, and then stood as the God of Guardians did. Evidently, they were going to continue sparring - the God of Guardians passed me the ice before turning and walking away. Bam gave me one last reassuring smile before following the other man to the center of the room.

In all honesty, I probably should have paid more attention to them while they sparred, but with everything that happened. . . I mostly dozed in and out of sleep. As best I could, anyway, given that I was still trying to hold the ice I'd been given to my ankle.

That was how Black found me. I started awake to find her staring down at me.

"Well, I guess you're not in any shape to start training yet," she muttered to herself, "So I'll just take you back to rest for now. It'll probably be faster if I carry you."

"I can walk," I protested, squirming into a more upright position. Bam and the God of Guardians had stopped sparring again, watching us from across the room.

"Hmm," she seemed to consider this, then shrugged, "If you want, but your ankle will probably recover faster if you don't put much weight on it right now. And you're going to need all the rest you can get if I'm going to train you to be anywhere near strong enough for the Floor of Death."

I have a horrifying feeling she was repeating something someone else was telling her to say, mostly because there's no way I'll be strong enough for the Floor of Death in a few months, no matter what she throws at me. Half the other people we're working with can fly.

Bam had approached us now; again, the God of Guardians seemed willing to wait off to the side for now, "Ms. Black, please take good care of Ms. Min."

"I will," she said, and gave him a thumbs up, "I won't go easy on her though. By the time you two see each other again, you'll have a fully fledged Arie swordswoman on your hands."

"What?" I asked. No one paid much attention to this.

"Are you sure that's okay. . . ?" Bam was asking. I also wondered if this was okay, but it turned out we were thinking of different things, "Yuri-noona thought she would be a good wave controller."

"There's some sorcery in the Arie style," Black said, cheerfully, "If she has the ability, I'll teach her that too."

"What's an Arie?" I asked, finally. There was a moment of silence, and Bam raised a hand to cover his smile.

"I'm an Arie!" Black said, "The Arie family is the family Hoaqin was born into, so by extension, it's my famil. The Arie style is the only style I know - it's the only style that I could teach you."

". . . I don't think I could learn a whole sword style in a few months," I said, hesitantly. Black clasped me on the shoulder.

"We'll do our best together," she said, brightly, "I don't expect you to be able to learn everything, but hopefully you'll learn enough not to die out there."

Suddenly somber, she looked to Bam, "And when it comes to Hoaqin. . . I'm sure you already know this, but you have to be the one to fight him. You're the only one strong enough to face him."

Bam nodded; I think, for a moment, there was something in his eyes - but whatever it was, he looked serious and reliable before I could tell, "I understand, Ms. Black."

"Please be careful," I told him.

He gave me a reassuring smile, "I will be. Please take care of yourself as well, okay, Ms. Min?"

I nodded, "I will."

With that, he held up a hand in farewell, and returned to the God of Guardian's side. Black eyed me for a few more minutes.

"Well, I suppose if you insist on walking, I won't stop you," she said, "But it would really be a lot more convenient if you let me carry you."

I am ashamed to say I gave into this. She carried me back to the base on her back, and I think I dozed off most of the way.

When I woke up, it was to the sensation of being tucked into bed. Black stared at me for a few moments when she realized I'd awoken, then said somberly, "I'll come back for you in the morning. Your pocket is next to you with your diary."

"It's not a diary," I protested. I'm not sure what the difference between a diary and a journal _is_ exactly, but I felt like she was teasing me.

"It's a diary," she replied, "But I'll go and get you a sword for now. Bero Bero said she'd bring you something to eat, so try to stay awake."

"I'm not that injured," I grumbled, but she just tousled my hair and left the room. Since Bero Bero was going to be by soon, I took my pocket into my lap and began to write this.

The pocket is really comforting; I'm glad I have something to hold on to in this trying time. I hadn't really gotten much writing done by the time Bero Bero and Cherry La both arrived, bearing food and a lot of questions.

"What happened?" Bero Bero asked, "Hwa Ryun came back without you."

Cherry La didn't say anything, but I felt like she was curious too - so I told them pretty much the whole story. I don't know why it was easier to talk to them than it was to talk to Bam, but I guess maybe because they're just normal like I am.

Though when I mentioned something about this - not that we were all the normal ones, but that it seemed like I shouldn't say too much to Bam - Bero Bero got a clouded look in her eyes.

"It might be worth trying to speak to him normally too," Cherry La said, "He's just a person like you are. Don't put him on a pedestal."

Which . . . I guess she's right. I've been put on a pedestal a lot in life, and it never ends well for either person, but I think it's worse for the person being treated like a god. Maybe I'm just being unsympathetic to the people who put me in that position, but I definitely don't want to do the same thing to Bam.

"Everyone already treats him like he's special," Bero Bero said, after a moment of silence, "He's probably pretty lonely."

I wonder if that's true. . . it's clear he's cared for by everyone, a lot, and he cares for everyone back. But it's a bit hard to say if he puts himself in the same group as the people around him, or if he sees himself as a power that needs to protect them. I normally wouldn't think too hard about it, but Bero Bero and Cherry La both seem to be picking up on something too.

Maybe it's just because we don't know him very well? I'd like to get to know him, but . . . I don't want to force my way into his world, either. Well, in any case. . . . I guess now that I've eaten and caught up with Bero Bero and Cherry La, I guess I should rest after all. I don't know what training to be an Arie swordswoman will be like, but I should give it my best. It might be the only thing keeping me from dying later.

Good night, journal. Please know you're a journal and not a diary.


	3. day 1-2, day 2-2

**Disclaimer:** Whoo! Okay, update~ I'm really excited with this week's chapter, too, because it's introducing the idea of magic as seperate from shinsoo. . . .though at this point in this fic, Bam and Kun and everyone don't really know that. Bam kind of assumes that magic is the same thing as using shinsoo here, but that will be clarified later. I'm really excited though, because this fic / my si dovetails really nicely into the current chapters. . . . And also because I was struggling for a long time to figure out whether I wanted to cover the month between Bam returning from the Rice Pot and the arrival at the floor of death. For the relationship between me and Bam it's really important, but without an external plot it would still be really boring. .. but now I have something in mind there. I had a lot of fun expanding on Yuri and Endorssi's relationships a little.

It seems like Bam opens up to me really quick. . . honestly, when I write, a lot of it is very instinctual. I'm an Ni-dom, so I tend to just let little details sort themselves out, but I was worried about this chapter. I think he has his reasons, though. The Min/Bam relationship will be a little complicated because of the kind of relationships we've had with people in the past.

Thanks for reviewing, everyone!

 **infiniteaetas:** Thank you so much! ;a; I will keep doing my best, I'm sorry that moment was a little rough . . . it was painful to write too ;; I'm glad that my interactions with Bam are enjoyable to read. . . I hope they continue to be good! We ended up arguing a bit in this chapter, but . . .

And look you don't understand I LOVE BERO BERO AND CHERRY LA SO MUCH? They make me so happy and like. I hope we get to see them again after the Floor of Death. . . .!

I feel like "Black" is a good name for her too, since she's the opposite of "White". . . But I suppose it will be a mystery for a bit, now~

I feel like it's important to have a personal connection to the antagonists of a story; that way I'm not just following along with the plot without any goals or aspirations. Admittedly, in real life, I don't really have any goals or aspirations, but that doesn't do anything for a story, haaaa. Also, since Rachel is so closely connected to Bam, I figure she's going to have strong opinions about any romantic relationships he forms .. . so I wanted to introduce my relationship with her before that point, so that it could be personal and not just a rival thing. Likewise, I'm trying to expand on my relationship with Endorssi outside of just "romantic rivals" and flesh out her feelings for me and Bam a little. . . .

There is never any need to apologize for along review! OH my gosh long reviews make me feel so loved? It's so nice hearing people have something to say ;/;

And heh, well . . . I dunno, I think Tower of God is starting to feel more mythic / like an epic saga, and that's reflected in the characters endurance and stuff, but SIU also did mention that Kun was able to carry around a bookbag of multiple people as though it weighed nothing. . .but the bag didn't do anything to decrease their weight? I think that's when the physical prowess of the Ten Families really sunk in for me, especially because Kun isn't the warrior archetype - he's the rogue who sneaks around and backstabs people, so I imagine most of his physical strengths are completely innate, rather than somthing he worked on improving? Basically, holding more than three people in one hand as though it's nothing is just the baseline for a kid from the ten families. . . and that was still a long time ago. I don't think Bam likes to skip meals though, because they make him feel more human.

Thanks for reviewing!

 **NuncaNiem:** Well, it's a very long fic, and I do actually have a couple typos in the summary that I should fix. . . it's a bit of a commitment, but I'm having fun writing it, so I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! If you feel up to it, I'd definitely recommend getting back into the main series. Things are starting to heat up a lot now! Thanks for reviewing!

 **TrollingAround:** Thank you! I'm glad you like it~ The chapters for this fic are all pretty long (and I guess they're growing, too. . . ) so my aim is to update about once a month, around the 19th~ I'm glad you're enjoying, thanks for reviewing!

 **day-i-still-need-a-proper-calender-but-it's-been-months-since-i've-written-in-this**

I'll just call it the new day one. Writing in a diary after forgetting about it for a long time is even worse than starting one from scratch - so much as happened, but I don't think I could catalogue everything the way I have before. Though I guess there's not much to catalogue, even though I've been so busy. We've had a new face for a while - David Hockney - and I think he has a crush on Bero Bero. She got really flustered when I suggested it though, all "What are you talking about? That doesn't happen to someone like me!" but y'know. . . I think it's legit. He called her his "Venus of Willendorf" when they first met, so I was a little suspicious, but he seems to like drawing her.

Speaking of which. . . how do they have Willendorf here? I thought I was in a different world, but maybe there was just some sort of teleportation problem. . . well, regardless, there's no way work would believe something like that, so I'm still pretty much at square one. It's not like being a teenager - even if I got out of this Tower, I wouldn't have anywhere to go back to.

Tomorrow there's another test, and then I guess we'll actually seen Kun and Endorssi and Yuri and Evan again. . . And maybe Bam. Bero Bero says he kind of follows his own schedule, though. . . .

I hope he's doing alright. He seemed like he would be, and Black says he's strong, and he had the God of Guardians with him, but . . . I've been thinking about it a lot. Maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty. Reading back over my last entry just made it worse.

I haven't had the courage to talk to anyone else about it, but I guess when Kun comes back out from training, I'll need to talk to him.

Anyway! Lighter things! I've spent the last couple of months training, too, though it seems weird to put it like that in my own diary. Journal. This is a journal!

I'm not very good with swords and Arie sorcery is definitely beyond what I can do, but my strength and endurance are a lot better. My body hasn't changed much on the outside, but on the inside I'm much more powerful! I mean, no where on the same level as everyone else, but it feels like a lot to me.

I ate a lot more at first, though - so I think I've gotten a bit more confident at cooking, too. Bero Bero and I took turns making food for the people who are training, and it was fun. Sometimes Hockney would sketch her from the corner of the kitchen, but getting him to try anything was a bit hard. . . . He talks a little high and mighty, but I guess he's the reserved type too. . . .

I feel like Yuri would be disappointed to know I spent so much time not training, but . . . I do feel like it's necessary. Though it seems like in this place, it's easier to go without food or water, there's something about acting human that keeps you feeling human, and that's just as important.

Or maybe it's just not something I'm willing to sacrifice. I'll admit I've woken up a few times in the last several weeks, feeling that something was wrong. Everyone here is stronger than I could imagine - I feel like I should be more driven, instead of letting everyone down. But at the same time, I don't want my last days to be empty. I may have been doomed to die on the fortieth floor, had I gotten off there, but I don't feel my chances are any better on the Floor of Death.

I should have just taken my chances on the fortieth floor, but I didn't realize this until I'd already missed the stop. The feeling of belonging was too strong, and I forgot to think clearly, though. . . when I tried to back out Hwa Ryun intercepted me.

"You've already made your choice," she said, "Do you really want to leave your power in the hands of a man who will use it to destroy others?"

When she puts it that way, I can only feel ashamed at myself for trying to run away - and yet, I still take training as a relaxed affair. Black has assured me that's fine.

"You don't start developing the kind of stamina and power the rest of your team has until you've passed a few floors," she said, while I was on break, "Think about it - we're already approaching the forty second floor, but you've only just started. You're the equivalent of someone on the first floor - even they had to take breaks and sleep and eat then. It's only when you've been doing this for years that you start being able to pull all-nighters or fasts like Kun is - and even then, the difference between a Jahad Princess or a descendent of the Ten Families is completely different from a small town regular - even if you have a special ability or power."

After that, she demanded Hockney back her up, even though he was really only there to keep sketching Bero Bero while she cheered me on. He seemed to have been listening though, because after a brief, confused pause, he said, ". . . Yes. There's a difference between someone with a focused skill and someone of the Ten Families, but the difference between someone who's just started climbing the tower and someone who's been climbing for a while is probably even bigger."

"I don't know about that. . . . " Bero Bero muttered under her breath; though Hockney seemed to be immediately taken with her, she seemed to take a while to warm up to him. He seemed okay with this, content to draw her and keep his distance.

Normally, I feel like this should bother me, but he seemed pretty harmless - and over the course of the last few months, he and Bero Bero seem to have gotten pretty close.

"I should have gone to the first floor like Evan said," I grumbled, but Hockney surprised me by speaking up on his own.

"I'm not sure you'd find what you're looking for, there," he said, eyes wide and focused on something I couldn't see, but he didn't finish that train of thought. I considered asking him later, but . . . he has his own problems, and I feel like I shouldn't hassle him too much.

So that was the consensus for training. Everyone is still pretty gentle with me. I want to say, "I can handle criticism! Please be honest with me!" but right now, I'm not actually sure I'd be able to handle it well. I just want to focus on doing my best.

It's gotten colder; my skin is starting to get dry and itchy from eczema. Hwa Ryun seemed surprised and offered me lotion, insisting I take it even when I told her it probably wouldn't help. I've been using it as regularly as I can but . . . I dunno. It seems like it's been helping, but my skin still gets itchy when I don't remember to put it on often enough. . . . .

I guess that's basically admitting that I'm causing my own problems, isn't it. . . .I should put some lotion on now, too.

It's in a pale blue container, and for some reason this makes me suspicious. It's not like Hwa Ryun couldn't possibly own anything that isn't red, but . . . I'm not entirely sure she owns anything that's not red or on the red spectrum. I'm just filled with unease.

Actually, a lot of the people on this train seem to be color coded, but that's a different matter, I guess. I feel like a mishmash of all sorts of colors though, since I'm wearing everyone's clothing. Even Cherry La and Hockney have donated to keeping me warm. . . .

I'm ashamed to say most of it has ended up on the floor. I had to clean up quickly today, since Bam should be coming back in the next few days, and then hopefully we'll find somewhere else for me to sleep. Bero Bero has suggested sharing a room with her and Cherry La, and that does sound nice.

I'm worried how they'll feel about the way I've treated their clothes though. I've been really ungrateful.

I'll try to be more careful in the future. I get exhausted saying that, but it's really all I can say. I can't spend all my time sulking about the past - all I can do is be aware of it and try harder next time.

Well, I think I should probably get some rest now; it's the last good sleep I can get before the test, after all. And it's my first test - I'm surprised I'm being allowed to take it. Black waved me off when I asked.

"If we just act like you're already a regular, I'm sure no one will question it," was all she said.

That doesn't sound quite right but . . . apparently Hwa Ryun isn't a regular either. This conversation happened over dinner a few nights ago, "I'm not a regular, and they let me go wherever I want. No one's actually keeping track. Thousands of people die climbing the tower every year."

Horrifying.

"Most of that is on the second floor, though," she added, as though it wasn't horrifying, "They like weeding out incompetent people right away. Anyway, I failed the test on the second floor, but since I'm a Navigator, getting to the next floor was easy, and after that I just acted like nothing happened."

"Can you do something like that?" Bero Bero asked Hockney. He seemed really taken aback - either at being spoken to during dinner, or at being asked if he was a Navigator.

"I'm. . . not a Navigator," he said, awkwardly. Bero Bero gestured to her eyes.

"But you have magic eyes," she said, "Couldn't you find a way?"

"I've never thought about it. . . ." he said, "I don't think so."

"I'm one of the best Navigators out there," Hwa Ryun said, "Don't worry about it."

Apparently, being a Navigator is a really special position - you can only be a Navigator if you were born to the Redheads or the Silver Dwarves, which are where Hwa Ryun and Evan are both from. Having been subject to both of them trying to guide me, I have to say there's a difference in how they approach things. Evan's style seems more cautious and cerebral, while Hwa Ryun seems to be psychic.

I think they'd be really strong if they teamed up, but that seems unlikely for some reason. Anyway, it's time to rest for real now! Hopefully the test goes well.

 **After the test**

Alright, I made it. I want to underline that too, but I think I already took up too many lines underlining the first part.

I helped Boro, Bero Bero, Cherry La, Hockney, Hwa Ryun and Sachi with their test today - the objective was to destroy a certain amount of floating statues (I mean, I think they were statues) within an hour. I was only able to destroy one on my own, but thanks to the last couple of months training, I could help the others with theirs - when we teamed up, it went a lot faster.

It was only thanks to Hockney's eyes that we passed the test, though - and afterwards, he departed the group. I was still wearing one of his jackets, but he declined to take it back.

"I'll be fine on my own," he said, "From the looks of it, you don't have much to wear for these floors. Return it if we see each other again later."

"Do you think he was trying to score points with Bero Bero?" Cherry La murmured to me as he walked away. Bero Bero hadn't joined us yet - evidently, she'd gotten into a battle of words with Sachi and Boro, and was struggling to keep up with the redhead - and Hockney didn't pause to say goodbye to her. I was inclined to be suspicious of men as well, but. . . .

"No," I had to say, "He seems kind of conflicted on that front. I guess he's shy?"

"Hmm. . . " Cherry La seemed lost in thought, "I guess so. But be careful of strangers who offer you too much for free. I know we've all done our best to welcome you, but it won't be that way every where in the tower."

I guess she was warning me because we'd be parting ways soon - I couldn't help thinking about Rachel, and how she'd hidden her identity when we met, though I'm sure she had no conscious reason to.

My least favorite thing is being told that I shouldn't trust people, but I couldn't be mad at Cherry La for it. The test I'd taken earlier, and the one everyone had taken the day I woke up came to mind as well - the tower is dangerous. It's easy to understand why some people might resort to unsavory methods.

(It's not like I'm good at trusting anyway, but I do my best.)

In any case, Bero Bero seemed to have admitted defeat against Sachi Faker - she came stomping over to us in a huff while Sachi laughed good naturedly. I wasn't sure what they'd been talking about, but she seemed ready to move on.

"Let's go back to the base," she said, "I'm hungry."

"I could use a nap. . . " Cherry La agreed; neither of them had any more to say than that, so I followed after them as they made their way from the testing grounds and back to where we'd been staying.

I'm still not really sure what to call it. Base makes it seem like it should be a fortress, and so headquarters . . .but camp sounds like we're in the wilderness, and home makes it seem like we actually live there.

No matter how long I've been there and that I've only experienced life in the tower from this perspective, the Hell Train will never feel like home. I don't know if it's because I was attacked here or what, but. . . .

As we arrived back, though, I saw a familiar face standing in the doorway of Kun's room - and I immediately dashed past Bero Bero and Cherry La, earning a startled "Woah".

"Bam!" I called, which gave him just enough time to turn towards me before I launched myself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug. He had to take a step back to steady himself as he wrapped his arms around me as well - I think just as a reflex, in order to steady me, because he quickly let go. I let go as well, backing up.

"Sorry!" I said quickly, "I just - I'm glad you're al. . . ."

I had to trail off then. Bam's face was covered with bruises - and as my eyes trailed down his jawline to his neck, I realized more bruises were clearly hidden beneath his clothes, "What did you do? I thought you were training!"

"Um," he didn't seem to like being asked that; he'd been wearing a nervous, awkward smile when I pulled back from him, but now his eyes slid away from my face, and his awkward smile was replaced with a severe expression. Not quite a frown, but something close to a grimace, "Some of the God of Guardian's techniques were a bit hard to understand. I got the hang of it, though."

As though satisfied with his answer, he was able to force himself to smile again; I frowned in response, but he paid me no mind, "You seem a lot livelier than before."

" . . . I'm getting you some ice," I replied. I think my voice may have come out a bit surly, because he seemed taken aback as I slipped past him. Behind me, I heard Bero Bero greet Kun . . . somewhat suspiciously.

I probably should have greeted him as well, but at that point, when I realized he was there, I was already a good ways towards the kitchen and didn't have time for much more than a quick, "Hi, Kun. Bye, Kun."

I heard footsteps behind me as well, and turned to see Bam was following me.

"They aren't that bad," he said, "The God of Guardian's already took care of most of it, so. . . "

"They were _worse_?" I demanded, and turned back to him, reaching out to grab the sleeve of his hoodie, "I'm. . . Please come with me and don't try to get out of this. We're putting ice on them right now."

Something about his expression made me let go of his sleeve - I'm not sure how to describe it, but it made me a little uncomfortable with the way I was acting; I don't think he was mad, but I think maybe I was being too pushy, and making him uncomfortable, "I'm sorry. I just. . . those look really bad. Even if they've already been treated. . . ."

"No, we can try putting ice on them," he said quickly, "I think it's probably a bit late for that, but. . . Do we have ice?"

"I mean. . . probably?" I offered, and then took a few steps back; over his shoulder, I could see Kun struggling to make small talk with Bero Bero. Cherry La was staring at me and Bam, and I found myself quickly turning away.

Even though I was pretty much speedwalking, Bam had no trouble keeping up. He's got such long legs. . . I'm jealous. They must be useful. It must be nice not having to run in order to keep up with everyone.

The kitchen was empty - to be expected, since everyone probably wanted to nap after having been training so hard, and getting up early, and all of that stuff. Still, it wasn't hard to scavenge around for some ice, and I was pleased to find that we did have some. Bam waited patiently while I wrapped it up in a towel.

"I'm not sure if that's good enough, but I can't find any plastic bags," I said hesitantly; he took the ice from me, and pressed it against his cheek, smiling softly, "We've been keeping stuff ready for when I get injured during training too, but. . . "

I didn't want to push the issue, but I think I felt kind of grumpy, "I didn't get banged up nearly as much as you did. What happened?"

"Sometimes when I don't understand a technique it's easier to get hit by it," he said, nonchalantly; he was looking around the kitchen, as though taking in an unfamiliar sight, "The God of Guardian's techniques are really strong, so . . . "

"You just had him hit you with it?" I demanded, "How is that supposed to make you understand anything?"

"Um," he considered this, "It's my copying ability - the reason my power is so overwhelming is because it just consumes other people's techniques and powers. It doesn't work with everything, but. . . ."

"That's not a good way to train," I said, flatly.

He'd just got back and we were arguing; I kind of wanted to cry, but I tried to shove the feeling back, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be critisizing you about this. You've been working hard. Keep applying ice, okay?"

I turned to go, but he called after me, "Wait."

When I looked back, he had an intensely feverish look in his eyes - it was strangely familiar at first, until I realized it was the same expression he'd had when I told him about Akraptor.

"I needed to do this," he said.

". . .Because of Akraptor?" I asked; my stomach had gone cold, and the room suddenly seemed darker, though nothing significant had changed. Bam seemed taken aback, and then suddenly couldn't meet my eyes.

"It's not your fault," he said, "It's not just Mr. Akraptor, or my power as an irregular. It's not just Ms. Ehwa either. I need to become stronger. There are people who will do anything they can to stop me, and I need to be able to protect everyone from them."

That was the most ominous way he could have put that, honestly; I had to do a double take at the time, "What are they trying to stop you from doing?"

He seemed to shrink in on himself; I took half a step forward, and then stopped - but that seemed to be enough for him to look me in the eye again.

"I don't know," he said, "From existing, I guess? It's complicated."

"I don't mind complicated," I replied, "But you don't have to tell me anything if you're not ready. I'll. . . trust you today, but please be careful next time?"

It came out more hesitant than I'd intended, and I looked away, "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"You didn't yell," he sounded confused, and when I looked up his expression was completely baffled, "And. . . I don't mind telling you. If you're going to be coming with us, you deserve to know."

He didn't tell me right away, but busied himself with preparing a meal; I helped out as best I could, but despite how well I'd _been_ doing up until this point, I couldn't seem to focus long enough to be much help - except once or twice when I noticed his ice pack slipping while his hands were full with something else, and I adjusted it without thinking.

Reading over that sentence again, I feel like I should work on being more careful of people's boundaries.

As we were sitting down, Kun arrived, looking faintly hassled, "I haven't spoken to Bero Bero since I arrived, and suddenly she had a whole list of my flaws. What did you say to her, Min?"

"Nothing. . .?" I asked, taken aback, "What did she say was wrong?"

Bam looked up from taking a bite of food, "Was there a problem, Mr. Kun? Everything seemed alright earlier. . . ."

"Apparently I'm too picky of an eater," Kun said, "And I'm not careful enough about skipping meals. I was _busy_ , Min."

Glancing between me and Bam, though, he ran his fingers through his hair, "Though apparently I was being distracted. If I'm interrupting. . . ."

"No," Bam smiled warmly at his friend, "I was just going to tell Ms. Min about Mr. Karaka and FUG."

Kun took a seat next to Bam; I hesitantly took a bite of food so I wouldn't have to say anything.

"You should tell her about Rachel, too," he said, lightly; his eyes flickered to me, suspicious for a moment before he decided that I wasn't a threat.

"I will," Bam promised, then, hesitantly, "Mr. Kun, there's something I need to talk to you about right now, though."

Something in his eyes caught Kun off guard; I unconsciously began shoving food into my mouth as quickly as possible, not sure if it was because I was hungry, or because I wanted to avoid being a part of this conversation again. Almost immediately, though, I burned my mouth.

"Ms. Min found Mr. Akraptor's body," Bam said, surprisingly blunt; Kun almost flinched; his hand twitched, as though it wanted to reach for something, and his expression became cold.

"So he's dead," Kun said; his voice was weirdly flat, and I resisted the urge to reach for him.

"Yes. . . " Bam trailed off, glancing over to me, and then turned his attention back to Kun, "Also, Ms. Min is coming to the Floor of Death with us."

"That's a terrible idea," Kun said, without hesitation, "Bam, she's only just arrived in the tower - she was supposed to get off the train on the fourtieth floor - I'm not sure why she didn't, but she can't come with us to the Floor of Death."

"Mr. White took part of her soul," Bam said, "She needs to find him, and he'll be going with Rachel to the Floor of Death."

"I'm sorry for the trouble," I mumbled; suddenly, even though it was delicious, the food Bam had made had very little appeal.

"It's not your fault," Bam said quickly, "But we do need to get it. I guess it's easier to maintain a soulless body on the Floor of Death, but you won't be able to keep going for very long this way otherwise. That's what the God of Guardians said."

"Hwa Ryun has something to do with this, doesn't she?" Kun sighed, leaning back in his chair for a moment in a look of complete exhaustion.

"She just wanted to find the bodies. . . ." I offered quietly. Bam glanced at me, then back at Kun, who stayed perfectly still for a moment, staring at the ceiling, his hair falling away from his face.

"I'll go talk to her, then," he said, standing, "You two keep talking. Min needs to know everything that's going on with us if she's coming with us."

"Be gentle with Ms. Hwa Ryun, Mr. Kun," Bam said; Kun raised a hand in farewell as he walked out of the room.

Bam seemed to consider his bowl for a moment, before taking another bite. For a while, he ate quietly; I picked at my food, but couldn't bring myself to actually eat anything more.

"I met Rachel," I said, finally, "When I turned into a magical girl."

"You told me," Bam seemed to accept this patiently, then looked up, "I'm sorry. It's just taking me a moment to sort things out."

"Okay," I replied. We both fell into silence, but this time maybe it felt awkward for him too, because he spoke up.

"Who's jacket is that?" he asked; I looked down at the sleeve of Hockney's coat.

"Hockney's," I replied, "I guess you didn't meet him, huh? He left right after the test. . ."

"He leant you his jacket?" Bam asked. I reached up to fuss at my hair.

"I mean, everyone's kind of been lending me things," I replied, "You lent my your bed?"

He suddenly averted his eyes, "I guess so. I was just wondering."

"He's pretty nice. Maybe you'll meet him when we get back from the Floor of Death?" I offered, "I could introduce you two! He's an artist, so I'd like to get to know him better too."

Bam seemed to relax; I hadn't realized he was tense until now, but that seemed to cheer him up, "Okay."

We lapsed into silence again; Bam had almost finished his rice when he spoke, "The people trying to stop me. . . are called FUG. They're a large group of people dedicated to overthrowing Jahad, the king of the tower. But because Jahad is immortal, they need to use someone who isn't from the tower to kill him. Because I'm an irregular. . . they tried to turn me into a weapon that could be used by someone to destroy him. Mr. Kun and Mr. Wangnan and everyone helped me escape, but recently, we were attacked by one of the other Slayer candidates, so that's why I need to get stronger as fast as possible. He's much stronger than I am."

I nodded, and took a bite of food, mulling it over; I'd heard bits and pieces of this story so far, but it seemed like matters were a lot more serious than Bero Bero had said, and a lot more serious than Bam was letting on.

I didn't really know where to start asking questions, though. Bam was silent for a little bit longer, but didn't eat anything more.

"Rachel. . . used to be my friend," he said, at last, "But I guess she's my enemy now."

That seemed to be all he wanted to say on the matter.

"It's hard getting over people," I said, after I'd swallowed. He didn't respond to that, and I wanted to reach out to him - but I felt like that would only treat his feelings as something trivial, "Hang in there, okay?"

He looked up, now, and took a deep breath. For a moment, we were both silent again, and then he exhaled slowly, "I feel like I can trust you with this."

My first instinct was to deny this. I hate when people trust me with things, although somehow it still makes me feel strangely happy to hear. It's simultaneously very nice and very stressful - I always feel like I'm going to let them down but it's . . . like being human. Or like being recognized as human, I guess.

"Rachel was basically the one who raised me," he said, "When I woke up for the first time. . . I was completely alone in a cave; there wasn't even any light, except for a little bit coming through a crack in the ceiling. I tried climbing up to it, but I couldn't reach it, so all I could do was wait. I didn't even know what light was called. There wasn't anyone else there, so I didn't know what anything was called. Then. . . then she came down, and it was like the light itself had come down to me. She taught me everything - how to speak, and how to be human. I thought we'd be together forever. I thought being in that cave forever would be okay, as long as she was there."

It took a while for my mind to process this, honestly. Actually, I'm still not entirely sure that my mind _has_ processed this. I'm not sure why he told me this.

Normally, when I watch Disney movies and things like that, I relate to Snow White and Rapunzel and Jasmine and all the princesses, but I think at this point in time, I feel more like Flynn Rider from Tangled, when after they escape from the river and he's still trying to figure out why her hair glows. I don't think I've related to something more in my life than I do this specific character in this specific scene.

I feel like if Kun was here for this conversation, he'd be Pascal.

Why did he tell me this? This is the third time we've interacted with each other. We've technically only known each other for three days? Is he normally this open?

"Don't tell anyone else," he said, so I can only assume he's not, "They don't. . . know where I came from."

". . . Do you think they'd hurt you because of it?" I asked, hesitantly. He seemed to mull this over, staring off into the distance for a while, but I wasn't really sure why this was a secret.

At last, though, he said, "I don't think they'd understand. Mr. Kun and Ms. Endorssi really don't like Rachel. I'm. . .afraid it wouldn't change anything. Or maybe I'm afraid it will."

He looked up at me, offering a nervous smile, "Sorry. I don't want to bother you. . . ."

"I won't tell anyone," I said, but couldn't bring myself to ask why he'd told me. He nodded, and then reached out, pushing my bowl towards me.

"Please finish eating, okay?" he said, "I'm going to go get some rest."

This was alarming; I had picked up his room, but I hadn't gotten around to actually changing the sheets. There'd been the test, and then I'd spent the last hour or so talking to him, "I haven't changed the sheets yet!"

"That's okay," he said, not understanding the urgency of the matter.

"I haven't changed them at all," I said hastily, moving to my feet, "I can change them really quickly."

"Don't worry about it," he said, "I'll change them later. Right now I'm just really tired."

He gave me an apologetic smile, and stood. I watched him as he left the room, and then slowly sat back down. For a while, I couldn't bring myself to eat, but as soon as I started, Bero Bero and Cherry La drifted in.

"Finally," Bero Bero said, "You guys took forever. I tried to distract Kun, but I could only fool him for half an hour before he went after you two."

"Did everything go alright?" Cherry La asked, "Bam went straight to your room."

"His room, now," I replied quickly, "He didn't. I don't think he's going to change the sheets. I didn't get to change the sheets before the test."

Neither Bero Bero or Cherry La seemed very concerned by this, "Life happens."

"I'm sure he'll take care of it once he's had some rest."

"They probably smell," I protested.

"Well, if it bothers him, he can take care of it himself," Bero Bero said, "He's supposed to be good at housework anyway."

"He told me something super secret," I mumbled, "I can't tell it to anyone. I've known him for basically three days and he told me something super secret."

"That's pretty suspicious," Cherry La said, "You don't have to tell him any of your secrets or do anything for him because of it, you know."

"I want to take a nap," I said.

"Borrow my bed," Bero Bero said, and then tapped the table next to my bowl, "But finish your lunch first. He only made enough for the two of you, huh? Yeesh. . . Everyone's going to bed. Kun when to his room, apparently Hwa Ryun's already sleeping too. . . ."

"Everyone going to the Floor of Death has been really stressed out," Cherry La pointed out, "They deserve some rest."

"When you go to sleep I'm going to be left all by myself," Bero Bero huffed, but she didn't seem particularly put out; she busied herself with putting together a meal for herself, and I finished up my bowl of food. I didn't want to wash my dishes now, but Bam had left his bowl behind as well - from what little I'd seen of him, that was kind of uncharacteristic.

In any case, since he'd cooked for me, it wasn't a problem to wash his dishes too. It just seemed strange, since the day I'd arrived, he'd taken the initiative to cook and clean for everyone. I had to wonder if our conversation had taken a lot out of him, or if he was just that tired.

Neither Cherry La nor Bero Bero commented on it, and when I was done, I waved them goodbye and headed to their room.

I guess, when I considered that I was doing the same thing Bam was, it's not that big of a deal. I'm not particularly concerned with when Bero Bero last washed her sheets or anything. . . I just want to sleep. But I did want to write this out first. . . .

I'm going to take a nap now. Sleep well, journal.

 **Day 2.2**

I know that's probably not the right way to notate that, and some folk around here would probably murder me for it, but it looks a lot neater this way. Fact of the day: in the tower, computer coding can be lethal.

Bero Bero woke me up for dinner last night, which was a quiet affair. Now that Hockney is gone, everyone seems to realize how close we are to the Floor of Death, and Boro and Sachi were both uncharacteristically somber. We still have a month, and I'm supposed to keep doing training exercises, but I guess for everyone who's been doing this longer, a month is a lot less time in general.

Bam slept through dinner, and afterward, I noticed Kun setting aside some food for him. As Bero Bero and Cherry La drifted out of the room, I lingered behind, drifting over to him.

He'd tied his hair back, and it made him look very responsible. Now he glanced over at me, "Yes?"

"About earlier, with Bero Bero," I started, then stopped, trying to gather my thoughts, "It's alright if you didn't have time to eat or anything, or if you didn't like the food. I just thought it might help."

"That was you?" he seemed a little taken aback, but also almost relieved, "I guess that makes more sense. I was starting to think I'd misunderstood something."

He flashed me a handsome smile, but it felt like he'd put up walls between us that hadn't been there the day I'd awoken. Maybe I was imagining it - you can't get a good grasp of people from only a few hours with them.

"You don't need to worry about me, alright? I ate everything," he said, "Bero Bero was just trying to give you and Bam some time alone. Speaking of which. . . ."

He trailed off, like whatever he was going to say was uncomfortable for him, and then sighed. running one hand through his hair. He'd finished wrapping up some food for Bam already, and seemed to be considering something about it.

I waited, glancing at the wrapped food.

"Don't get hurt by him, okay?" Kun said, finally, and offered me another charming smile, like a cover up. I could see why Bero Bero found him so suspicious, but I also think he was probably the only one suffering from his suspicious nature, "He won't stop until he convinces Rachel to stay with him, and. . . you get tired of chasing after Rachel eventually. Here, could you take this to him?"

". . . Are you avoiding him?" I asked; I'm not sure why the words came out of my mouth. Kun's hand twitched, almost dropping the plate, and I reached out to snag it before something could happen to it. He was staring at me with a strange expression.

"No," he said, at last, "Why would I be? I just noticed the two of you seemed to be getting along."

Then he took a step back from me, before hurrying out of the room. I was left staring at the food in my hands.

"He's been skittish since he got back," Boro commented; I looked over to find him giving an intent look to Sachi, who in turn looked very thoughtful, and nodded.

"He must have come to a realization while he was training with Evan," Sachi agreed, "Give him time and I'm sure he'll be back to his usual self."

Bero Bero poked her head around the kitchen door now, "Min, are you coming? We can't set up a new bed without you!"

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, and crossed the room. Bero Bero eyed the plate in my hands suspiciously, "I got roped into something. I'll be there as soon as I drop this off."

Bero Bero turned to give Cherry La a suspicious glance, but Cherry La seemed to be dozing off again; she sighed.

"Alright, well, hurry up," she grumbled, "Don't forget about us, alright?"

I apologized again before heading to Bam's room and knocking on his door. I wasn't sure what I'd do if he'd been sleeping still, but there was a sudden flurry of activity in the room that made me think it wasn't an issue.

His lights were off, though - the darkness under the door suddenly became light, and he opened the door looking tousled and sleepy, "I'm sorry, did I miss dinner. . . ?"

I held out the plate, "It's not a big deal. Kun wrapped you up some food, though."

He looked at the plate almost suspiciously, and then seemed to accept that his friend was avoiding him. For a panicky moment, I really wanted to prove that I hadn't done anything to interfere, but then he turned his attention back to me, smiling, "Thank you, Ms. Min."

"Sachi said he probably realized something while he was training," I said quickly, passing the food to Bam; he took it gently, and I continued, "And that he'll probably be back to normal soon."

"I hope so," Bam said, "I don't. . . know what to do when he gets like this."

That was easy for me to give advice on, though advice. . .probably wasn't warranted. I smiled, "Just let him know you'll be there for him when he's ready, I guess. You don't have to push him into anything, but knowing that someone's there for him can help a lot, even if he doesn't actually want to talk about it."

Bam's eyes rested on my face, expression beyond my comprehension, and I took a hurried step back, "Anyway, Bero Bero's waiting for me! See you tomorrow!"

After that, I helped set up another bed in Bero Bero and Cherry La's room, and then slept some more. When I woke up, Bero Bero was still snoring gently in the next bed over, and Cherry La honestly didn't look like she'd moved at all.

Since I needed to keep up doing training exercises anyway, I got dressed and then slipped out of the room quietly. There were a couple of rooms set off to the side for training still, and I commandeered one of them, going through warm up stretches and then settling into practicing thrusts and parries.

And footwork. Footwork is obviously the most important part of swordswork - I don't want to call it "swordplay" because it's not for fun and games here - but I think it's probably the part I struggle with the most. I'm either too heavy and don't move enough, or I waste too much movement dancing around unnecessarily. Black has given me a lot of advice on the matter - imagine dancing to a song, time it to my breath, stuff like that - but I think it's something I just have to work through, slowly.

"Are you training already?"

Bam's voice was a lot sleepier than it had been the night before, and I hadn't heard him sneak up on me; I settled the sword Black had found for me carefully against my thigh and turned to look at him.

He was dressed in warmer clothes than he'd worn the day before, and his bruises had faded somewhat. I still found myself wanting to do something about it. . . though I wasn't sure if it would work.

I set my sword down carefully and crossed the floor to him, "Can I try something on you?"

He seemed very taken aback, but nodded, and let me cup his face in my hands. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, and focused on visualizing a giant, golden flower, filled with warmth and energy and healing.

There's a chant in my head from a Disney song - the healing chant in Tangled, to be honest, which probably explains the flower, - but I wasn't willing to sing it out loud, because actually doing pop cultural magic in front of people is awkward and embarrassing. Back home, I liked to think this spell was good for easing pain and helping flowers live longer after they've been cut - but maybe here, in this world, it would have more of an effect.

As I felt my grip on the spell fade, I opened my eyes, letting go of Bam. Sparks seemed to trail from my hands, but when I blinked they faded away. Bam was staring at me with wide eyes, but when I inspected his face, it seemed like his bruises were gone completely.

"You didn't. . . " he started, and then looked away from me, "You didn't have to do that."

My legs abruptly gave out; with a startled squeak, I flopped down onto the floor. Bam made a startled noise between a gasp and a yell and crouched next to me, reaching out - but stopping before he could touch me.

"I think you put too much energy into that," he said.

"No, I'm. . . this just happens to me sometimes," I replied, "I guess I'm not fully awake yet."

Bam's look was very concerned, and a little incredulous, "I don't think that's a good thing, Ms. Min."

"You never do that?" I asked; suddenly I couldn't meet his eyes - it was a really little thing, and there wasn't anything to worry about, but it kind of felt nice for someone to be concerned. Bam was quiet for a moment; when I looked up again, he was thinking about it.

". . . No," he said at last, "But if you say it's alright, I'll trust you. Sit here, okay? I'm going to get you some water."

"I'm fine!" I said, but he'd already headed out. I didn't mind continuing to sit there, but but I felt like if I did it would just encourage the idea that I wasn't okay, so I got to my feet and stretched again, picking my sword up and going through the exercises again.

I didn't hear when Bam came back in, but when I turned around to start the exercise again, he was standing in the doorway, a cup of water in hand.

"Sorry," he said, "I didn't want to interrupt."

"No worries," I walked to him again, and he passed me the water, "You didn't have to do this."

"It wasn't a problem," he replied, and walked into the room, "Do you mind me being here? Everyone else is sleeping."

"Not at all," I replied, "I'm actually. . . I'm glad you're comfortable around me. Or, I mean. . .not uncomfortable, I guess?"

I trailed off, not sure where exactly I was going with this. Bam smiled, coming around to the wall and leaning against it before slowly sliding down. I hesitated for a moment, before settling down next to him.

"Do you do magic back home?" he asked; he'd drawn his knees up and was resting his chin against them, arms wrapped securely around himself. I crossed my legs and propped my sword in my lap.

"Um. . . a little, I guess," I replied, "I grew up with magic, and I like learning about it. It comes naturally to me because of that? But . . . "

I glanced down at the sword in my lap, "I think this feels more natural, still. Even if I'm not good at it - I was a warrior in my last life, so I guess it feels homey."

He made small sound, like he was laughing, "I didn't expect to be good at that kind of stuff either. I guess you'll be a good fisherman, though."

"Fisherman. . . ?" Black had explained the positions to me, and I suppose fisherman was probably the best word for what I was doing - spear bearing required you to be kind of long distance, but I guess I kind of felt like a more support role was fitting for me. Not that I'm good at supporting others either, but . . . something kind of run of the mill, that didn't require me to be the strongest, or most responsible, "I guess that's pretty much it, huh. . ."

It still made sense from the perspective of who I was the life before this, even though I've only known about that for a couple of years now - she was a standard bearer, and meant to lead by example, in a way.

"Anyway, what's your position?" I asked; I felt like it was something I should already know, but I couldn't quite remember. Bam gave me a sleepy smile.

"Wave controller," he said, "I manipulate shinsoo. . . I guess it's like magic, but it's not really the same as what you just did."

"Huh?"

At my clear confusion, he sat up straighter, settling into a crosslegged position like I was, and held out one of his hands; immediately, several bright pinpricks of light appeared over it, like a small constellation.

"Oh!" I couldn't help exclaiming about it, "They look so pretty!"

This seemed to catch him off guard - they winked out almost immediately as he curled back up in on himself, looking away.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, "I didn't mean for that to sound. . . weird. Emasculating? Um . . . "

"No, it's fine," he said after a moment. He still wasn't looking at me though, and I resisted the urge to curl up in a ball as well, and maybe just. . . roll away, "I'm . . .glad you think they're pretty. Thank you."

We both fell silent for a few minutes; the lights flickered, though it was so brief that at the time I thought I was imagining it.

"They kind of look like stars, right?" Bam asked, eventually. I looked over at him - normally, I think it would have been a signal for me to compliment him again, but something about his face seemed lost in thought.

"A little bit, yeah," I replied, "Why do you ask. . . ?"

He was still quiet, looking off into the distance, but then he turned to me; his smiling face had been replaced by a blank mask, "It's nothing. Um, are you still curious about shinsoo?"

I think Bam likes sharing knowledge with people. When I nodded, he was happy to talk at length about working with shinsoo, and how it compared to what I'd done earlier - which I guess wasn't as different as he'd made it sound at first, just that I was working off of internal energy stores, and rather than utilizing the shinsoo around me - and the shape of it, since I hadn't arranged anything into bangs - units of shinsoo - before hand.

He seemed really happy when I asked if the higher concentration of shinsoo on the higher floors of the tower meant that more extreme feats were possible.

"I think you can definitely do a lot more on higher floors," he said, "But I'm not sure if it's because you have access to more shinsoo, or if it's because of the contracts with the guardians. . . ."

He was in the middle of explaining how these contracts worked when the room suddenly went dark. I stiffened, and beside me, Bam went as quiet as though he'd been silenced with the lights.

For a moment, it was just dark - then lights started to flicker on around us, from the icy crystals that had been appearing over the course of the last few months. Soon we were bathed in a cold blue light. Bam was staring at me as the darkness receded, and his face looked pale - though it was hard to tell if it was the light or something else.

"Are you okay?" we both asked at once - and then Bam let out a breath of air, slowly.

"That was a little scary," he said, "I thought something had gone wrong with the train."

He stood, and reached a hand out to me. After a moment, I took it. It's not that I thought he was pushing himself to be polite, or anything, but I'm definitely the kind of person who normally prefers to get to their feet themselves. Relying on people gives me hives, even if I want to be a reliable person - and even though I end up relying on people a lot. Maybe it's because I don't have any choice but to rely on others, whether I trust them or not.

But I think. . . I can trust him. I don't know the full story or what's going on with him, but I think I can trust him. If something's wrong, I hope he'll tell me - but if something changes, and he won't be able to keep looking after me for whatever reason, I feel like he'll say so straightforwardly. In the meantime, I just want to be able to return the favor for everyone.

In the kitchen, Sachi and Boro were preparing coffee. Both of them looked sleepy, and were talking in low voices about something serious - though they stopped as soon as Bam and I entered the room.

"Bam," Boro said, solemnly, "Kun told us what happened. I'm sorry to hear it."

Bam hesistated for a moment, then nodded, "I should have been there for them."

Sachi shook his head, "You can't always be there for other people, even when they're your friends. You didn't know this was going to happen."

Bam nodded, but he still seemed troubled. I reached out, about to tug on his sleeve, but then thought better of it.

"You're still wearing Hockney's jacket," Boro commented, suddenly taking note of me. He's the kind of person who will pay attention to you if you make the slightest movement out of the blue.

I burrowed myself deeper in Hockney's jacket.

"It's warm," I replied. Boro nodded.

"Well, hopefully we can get you your own clothes on the Floor of Death. It's inhabited somehow, after all."

"Speaking of which," Bam said, "Is that why the lights went out, all of a sudden? Because we're getting closer?"

Sachi nodded, though Boro had to look to him for insight, "It must be because the Guardian on this floor is dead - he can't maintain the lights like on the other floors."

"I see. . . " Bam looked around the kitchen, "It's a little dreary."

"We are going to the Floor of Death after all," Kun's voice said behind us, "What did you expect?"

He seemed to have recovered from yesterday; he walked past me, reaching out to tousle my hair despite my immediate protest, and stood next to Bam, "You'll get to see Rachel soon, too."

"Yeah. . . " Bam seemed lost in thought, though, "I wonder what we'll find."

Something kind of bothers me. I know everyone says Bam can't let go of Rachel, but it seems weird to me that Kun's brought her up twice now, in as many days.

I know he's probably tired of Rachel. . . but he honestly seems like he's just as fixated on her, at least.

In contrast. . . I think Bam's avoiding the topic. It's typical of me, someone who is very confrontational, to fall for someone who's primary way of dealing with conflict is avoidance, but . . . well, it's not like we'll end up together, so hopefully if I keep my distance it'll be fine.

Still, I felt myself reaching out to tug on his sleeve, "It'll be okay."

He turned to me, expression solemn, "I hope so, Ms. Min."

From there, though, everyone drifted off into their usual routines - I helped set up the table while Bam and Kun cooked, and everyone ate quietly until Yuri finally made her way to the breakfast table with Evan. There's something lively about her, so everyone gets caught up in her presence - even when she's doing something as mundane as complaining about Endorssi.

"I have to break her door down to get her to train," she was grumbling; Bam seemed a little amused by this - though, I'm not sure why, but there was something strange and distant about the way he was interacting with people today, compared to the first day I was here.

I guess it's natural, since he learned that his companions were dead, and was learning some sort of powerful technique, but he seemed kind of wobbly, still. He'd settled himself between me and Kun, and Kun definitely seemed to be worried about him.

"Isn't it okay if she takes a bit of a break?" Bam asked. Yuri huffed.

"Not on my watch! You all need to be strong for the Floor of Death and I'm tired of her slacking off," Yuri took several bites of food in quick succession, "Plus, she's the commoner Princess of Jahad - there's too many people who want her to fail for her to be this weak."

"I wouldn't describe Ms. Endorssi as weak," Bam offered. I was curious, though.

"Commoner Princess?"

Kun was quick to fill me in, "Yes. Most of the Princesses of Jahad come from the Ten Families, but occasionally someone will get chosen who doesn't have the blood of one of the original warriors. They never make it to the top of the tower though. Generally, the other Princesses pick them off before they can."

"So Ms. Endorssi has it really hard, too. . . ." Bam's eyes became exceptionally troubled at this point.

Kun gave him a strange look, "You didn't realize it? Yeah, she's really strong, but I can see why Yuri would be bothered."

Yuri nodded, "I can't believe she'd do something so reckless and get caught on the Name Hunt Station by Kaiser. . . Thank you for saving her, Bam. If she reaches the top of the tower, that could change things for the rest of us. . . I think that's important, right?"

Bam seemed to be considering something for a moment, looking down at his food; then he looked up to Yuri, "Yuri-noona. . ."

"You were talking about changing the tower before too. . . " hesitantly, he looked up at her, "What sort of tower do you want?"

This seemed to make Yuri unusually serious.

"I want. . . a tower where everyone can continue to climb without interference from King Jahad," she said at last; Bero Bero, on my other side, dropped her eating utensils, "I disagree with FUG, though. Killing him isn't the answer."

"And with that, you barely manage not to sound treasonous. . . . " Evan said, sounding both awed and horrified, "Though honestly, that was probably treason."

"Shut up!" Yuri snapped, "You wouldn't understand the feelings of a Princess!"

Evan sighed in defeat. Bam laughed, quietly - though after that, even Yuri's presence wasn't enough to keep breakfast very lively. Eventually, Boro and Sachi drifted out, just as Endorssi was making her way in, stretching.

She froze when everyone turned to look at her, though, "What? What is it? Is there something on my face?"

"No. . . " Bam said quickly, and turned away. Endorssi crossed the room quickly, and firmly planted her hands on either side of him.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean? Why were you all staring at me, then?"

Bam stiffened up, but only mumbled, "It's nothing."

"Hey, back off!" Yuri yelled, "You can't just go putting your hands on him like that!"

"I'm not doing anything wrong, so back off, old woman!" Endorssi snapped. It seemed like an uncomfortable place to be, caught between two headstrong woman as they argued, but . . . Bam didn't make a move to escape.

"Excuse me. . . " I said, softly. Neither of them heard me, continueing to argue.

"I could try putting my hands on him!" Endorssi was saying, "Watch me!"

"Excuse me!"

I had to shout in order to be heard, and the whole table froze; Bam actually flinched, and I gestured to the center of the table, "Endorssi, if you're here to eat, the food is getting cold."

She looked like she wanted to fight, but then she huffed, pulling away from Bam and making her way around the table. Now that I could see him again, I noticed Kun was rubbing his temples.

"Thank you, Ms. Min," Bam whispered. Endorssi shot me a suspicious glare as she took food for herself. Honestly, I'm surprised she didn't try to muscle her way between me and Bam, because the way her gaze flickered between us, I was reminded of Bero Bero's words forever ago, about Endorssi and Yuri both liking Bam.

I should definitely be careful of my own feelings. He's certainly got a lot going on already.

Yuri and Endorssi quickly returned to arguing - about training now - but it was quieter and less frightening. I was still a little out of sorts though, so I finished eating quickly and stood.

I figured if I left my dishes around, Bam would probably clean them eventually, and it would be easier to clean them myself, so I did that before I left the kitchen.

It was approximately half a minute before someone followed me out - though I didn't realize it until Bam spoke, "Ms. Min?"

This was followed by a low grunt of pain, and a loud, "Hey, what are you doing, flirting with other girls? You know I still haven't forgiven you for the name hunt station, but you're being so casual about someone else!"

"Ms. Endorssi . . . ."

By the time I'd turned about, she was already pointing a threatening finger at me, Bam's head securely tucked under her armpit in an effortless headlock, "Hey, you, just because you got your giant friend to bring me food every day doesn't mean you've buttered me up! I know what you're on to!"

"Being a knight," I said amiably, like that was a reasonable goal. I had a sneaking suspicion that she was accusing me of homewrecking, but that would honestly be impossible.

Bam's nervous smile in her direction set me on edge, but I tried to stomp the feeling back. People express themselves in different ways, after all, "Ms. Endorssi, I'd like to talk to Ms. Min. . . . "

She just noogied him in response, "Why, because she left dinner early? Hey, didn't we just talk about appreciating the companions who're by your side?"

By this time, Kun was also poking his head around the dining room, wearing a nervous smile that almost matched Bam's, "Endorssi, if you don't stop, I think Yuri's going to go on a rampage. . . . "

"Also, please don't refer to Bero Bero by her size," I added, "I know she acts tough, but she's kind of sensitive about it, so treat her with respect, okay?"

"Huh?" Endorssi seemed really miffed, "Why should I respect someone weaker than me?"

It was very hard to resist punching her in the face - not because I had to remind myself that it was a fight that I couldn't win or because she still had Bam in a headlock and I didn't want him to get hurt, but because I'm not the kind of person who reacts to things with violence anymore.

"Anyway, Bam said he had something to talk to me about," I said, crossing towards them, "So please let go of him, okay?"

"Anything he wants to say to you he can say in front of me!" Endorssi snapped, and forcibly dragged him behind her. Bam made a strange noise, and I felt my temper rising.

"He seems uncomfortable," I said, "So let go of him."

"Hey, let go of him!" Kun yelled, moving forward. Yuri appeared in the doorway behind him.

"Ms. Endorssi," he said from behind her, "It's kind of private, so. . . ."

She let go of him now, almost flinging him away as she threw her hands up in apparent disgust, and turned away from us, "Fine! Be that way!"

Bam quickly began straightening his clothes, and refused to make eye contact with me; to give him a sense of privacy, I kept watching Endorssi as she retreated.

"I'm not gonna wait around forever!" she hollared, and then disappeared around a corner. Kun and Bam both sighed in unison.

"I'm sorry about that. . . ." I offered, not really sure what I should say. Yuri glanced at me.

"No, it's my fault," she replied, "I should have been keeping a closer eye on her. Well, we'll see if she can work off her frustrations in training today. Wish me luck!"

With that, she slipped past Kun and after Endorssi. Bam and Kun both watched her go, and Kun sighed, seeming to be lost in thought; he'd been raising one hand to run his fingers through his hair, but he hesitated now, staring after Yuri with a look similar to longing.

I don't think it was directed at Yuri specifically, though, but it's a hard look to decipher, even after he turned to Bam, "It seems like Princesses of Jahad really have their work cut out from them, huh?"

"It really does," Bam agreed, "I think Ms. Endorssi will be fine, though."

"She'd be sad to hear you say that," Kun said, smiling wryly, "Anyway, I'll leave you and Min to it, I guess."

"Oh, I was just. . . " Bam trailed off, then glanced at me, "Um, I was just wondering if you wanted some help training?"

"Huh?"

I pointed to myself reflexively, and almost glanced over my shoulder to see if someone had come up behind me.

I mean, obvioulsy no one had; contextually, it was clear that he was talking to me - I'm not even sure why I found it so hard to believe.

"Yes," Bam said, "Since we were talking about it earlier, and the way you use shinsoo isn't really efficient. . . ."

You know, until this moment, I'd been thinking Bam was just a really polite person, but that seemed like a low blow.

"I see. That's really nice of you to offer. . . ."

Something about my smile might have not been very natural, because Bam immediately backtracked, "I mean, it's still really impressive, but if you could access the shinsoo around you it would be better, right?"

He trailed off, looking worried, "Since you're an irregular you should be able to . . . ."

"No, it would be good to learn," I replied, "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound angry or anything."

"You didn't. . . "

I feel like he was just being polite here. He definitely backtracked for a reason, right? In any case, at this point, he turned to Kun, "Mr. Kun, do you want to help too?"

Kun seemed to be evaluating us, but then sighed, "No, I think I should try talking to Endorssi. I'd have expected her to calm down by now, but I guess since there's another woman around, she feels threatened."

"There are lots of women around, though. . . " Bam said.

"Doesn't Endorssi need to train, though?" I added, "Maybe you can catch her after lunch. . . ."

Kun gave us both a strange, critical look, then shrugged.

"You two are hopeless," he said, "This is why she's been acting out so much, you know? You have to stand up to her if you want her to listen to you."

"I don't want to think about it right now. . . " Bam replied; he offered Kun a nervous smile, and that seemed to be enough to make Kun back off.

He shrugged again, and moved passed us, "I'm going to get a warmer coat. I'll meet you two there."

"Are you warm enough?" Bam asked me.

I nodded, then glanced at his hoodie, "Are you?"

After he considered this, it was agreed that he should put on a warmer coat as well; I went ahead and settled into the training room I'd met Bam in earlier - or I was about to, when suddenly Endorssi came barrelling around the other corner and right into me.

We both went tumbling to the ground; Endorssi swore violently.

"Why are you always in my way?" she demanded, "Ugh! That damn robot's going to catch up to me at this rate-"

"Shouldn't you just train though?" I asked; she hadn't moved to get off of me yet, so I squirmed into a better position and sat up, pushing her back. This seemed to offend her even more, and she plopped herself down on my shins.

Well, maybe it was just the suggestion that she train.

"What, like I'm not strong enough?" she demanded, "I'm way more capable than you are -"

"Is training that bad?" I asked. She took a deep breath.

"Of course it's that bad!" she said, "I need to get a proper amount of beauty sleep, and on top of that there's you here now too, making a move on _my_ boyfriend!"

"I'm definitely not making a move on anyone," I protested hurriedly.

"Bullshit!" she snapped, "You've been clinging onto him since you arrived! You even visited the Rice Pot while he was training - I overheard Yuri talking to that clone girl! And now you're coming with us to the Floor of Death because of some dumb excuse like that you got your soul stolen?"

She grabbed me by the shoulders suddenly, leaning in close; I expected her to look dangerous or threatening, like she wanted me to think of her as a predator, and myself as fishfood - but her expression, though intense, was something completely different. Her brows furrowed, and there was a sort of sadness lurking behind her eyes.

"Don't expect him to save you," she said, "He doesn't have eyes for anyone but Rachel."

"That's okay?" I replied, "I'm going to the Floor of Death to save myself, not so I can keep distracting him from whatever he's doing."

"Are you saying I'm selfish?" Endorssi demanded, "What kind of answer is that? Can you really have a relationship with someone if it's always you taking care of everyone?"

". . . I mean, I'm not that kind of person either," I said, but trailed off; I think, at this point, Endorssi was mostly asking herself, ". . . I just don't want anything that's not freely given. I don't want to be a burden or an obligation."

Endorssi stared deeply into my eyes for a moment; it was really uncomfortable. Eventually, though, she let go of my shoulders so she could make a derisive sound at the back of her throat, almost but not quite a laugh, and shrug, "Whatever. Nothing in life is free, so I guess you'll just starve."

She finally moved to get to her feet; naturally, she didn't offer me a hand up, just planted her hands on her hips in much the same way Yuri had earlier, and stared down at me consideringly.

"Are all the people outside the tower like you two?" she asked, finally.

"I'm not sure about Bam, but I was a saint in my last life," I said, somewhat reflexively. This seemed to derail her from whatever she'd been about to say.

"What?" she asked.

"What?" I replied, as though I hadn't said anything weird, "Nothing."

Before she could figure out just what to do or how to get back on topic, though, there was a weird whirring sound behind her and a loud shout, "I found you!"

It wasn't quite Yuri's voice, but it was something similar. Endorssi screeched and bolted down the hall. There was a bright flash of pink light behind me, and when I looked she'd disappeared.

"You can't hide from me foreverrrr!" the weird, warped voice said; something silver and black and red zoomed by me before I could get a good look at it, "Come back and train!"

For some reason that whole exchange left me feeling really melancholy, so I've taken the time to write things down while I wait for Kun and Bam - and now that I think about it, actually, I think they're taking a while to get here? I don't know how much having a journal helps, though. I feel like I just end up going around in circles after I've written.

I wonder what happened at the Name Hunt station with Endorssi? Are she and Bam really dating? I wonder if there's even a way for me to find out discreetly. I probably shouldn't pry to begin with. . . .

I kind of hope they're not. I'm not sure if it's for selfish reasons or because their relationship genuinely seems exhausting. . . .

Oh, Bam just got here. I wonder where Kun is? Did he decide not to come? Well, time to get a little more training in at least, I guess. Wish me luck, journal!


	4. day 3-2, 5-2

**Disclaimer:** Moodwise, this chapter kind of jumps all over the place - but it is in a way that will hopefully make more sense as I go on with the story, as a consistant way in which Min does things. Also at this point I'm giving up on the concept of editing. I wasn't good at it anyway.

Mm. . .the relationship between Bam and Endorssi in this chapter is tricky to write. Min has no idea what happened between them at the name station and so her advice is kind of tactless in that regard, but I think it speaks to Bam a lot better just because it simplifies things down to what he wants rather than what should happen . . . I struggled with the idea of Bam apologizing to Endorssi until a scene in the next chapter that I had to remove because it doesn't make sense to have that scene, even if it cleared up Bam's motivations. . . so they'll just be a mystery for now. Maybe someday I'll get to write it properly. (For now, I did try writing the apology between Bam and Endorssi and I posted it on Ao3 but . . . I don't think I quite captured what I was trying to capture, which was the sense of Endorssi's guilt and Bam's forgiveness. I could ramble about that for a while but I won't haha. Maybe I'll try re-writing it again sometime.)

Reviews! Thank you for reading and being patient! Also, this story is probably going to be on hiatus for the summer, but honestly I don't even know. I'm never trying to have an update schedule ever again in my life.

 **iamaetas** \- I don't know if you'll still be reading this, but! I really like Bero Bero's and Hockney's dynamic. He's really gentle with her and just thinks she's inspiring and Bero Bero is just like, "Well. . . okay. . ." and I dunno. I think it's really charming and sweet. It also means a lot to me because SIU is writing about someone big like me being loved so easily. . .

They also have Dragonball and some other things like that in the Tower. . . maybe we've been in the Tower the entire time?! (Though I think SIU's written some things that disagree with that idea haha).

Thank you ;a; I try my best ;a; I hope everyone else feels human as well in this chapter. And as for the argument last chapter. . . honestly, I think I was in a worse state than I thought I was at the time. In hindsight, I think the amount of stress that argument caused me was a bit excessive. . . thanks for your kind words about it, though. They helped a lot.

I really like writing Kun as well. It's very cathartic . . . Kun and I have a lot in common. But in this case, he and Endorssi's feelings about Rachel both get talked about a little here, I think. And Min's feelings on Rachel aren't very clear this early on, but I don't know that she'll just dislike him. It's complicated. . . .

I definitely think Yuri's taken on a big sister role to Endorssi as well as to Bam, but with both of them she does have high hopes / expectations of them as well. Endorssi is also really relaxing to write . . . .

Thank you very much again for your kind words!

 **NuncaNiem** \- I hope things are still pretty interesting in this chapter, although Min's soul takes a back seat to . . . Bam's personal drama? Endorssis's personal drama? Kun's lotion? I'm not really for Bam and Min connecting well. . . I dunno. I feel like maybe I've been a little sloppy on this count, but to an extent I just have to trust my fingers to do the writing and not overthink it. . . .

 **After Dinner, Day 3v2**

Practice was okay. It seemed fairly straightforward, but I don't think I have a good grasp of how shinsoo works . . . working with it is like trying to grab water with one hand - even on the rare occasion I did manage to produce any effect for my effort, it was weak and drained off quickly - nothing like the power I'd felt when I'd transformed, or when I'd healed Bam.

Something which seems to be between the two of us, by the way - Kun asked Bam about how he was feeling when I was busy trying to grasp at the shinsoo in the room, when they didn't think I was listening, and Bam dodged the question. I'm not sure why . . . I guess that might have to go on my list of things to ask him.

I've been doing my best to push it back, but it's hard not to think the people around me are a little shady. Because of what Bero Bero said? Because of Hwa Ryun? Or is taking in everything Bam told me earlier just too much to deal with? Still, I shouldn't be so paranoid. I'll work harder.

Anyway, I feel like I should write down how shinsoo works, but . . . at the same time, I feel like I'll be getting a lot of practice with it over the coming weeks. Even though our training wasn't very exciting, and I didn't move around much, I feel pretty tired, though. I don't want to think about shinsoo or wave controlling anymore. Hitting things is so much easier.

Anyway, Kun was late because he was busy looking for lotion in his room; most everything Kun owns is blue, and nothing Hwa Ryun owns is blue . . . I have a feeling I might need to apologize to Kun later, but right now I just want to sleep and sort things out in my head.

Bam and I did end up preparing dinner together, though. That was nerve wracking . . . both because I'm still not good in the kitchen (I have given Bero Bero some considerable frights, I guess, and Bam says she's the one who insisted he cook with me tonight), and because of the conversation I decided to have then, rather than, say, hours earlier when Kun had been there to help keep things calm.

I kind of just dove into it, as Bam had me chopping vegetables, "You're Endorssi's boyfriend, right?"

Bam's hands stilled; I felt this, rather than saw it, and was startled when I looked up to find him staring at the crab he'd been preparing pensively, as though he'd suddenly gone very far away, "Is that . . .wrong?"

His eyes flicked towards me, but it took him a moment to say anything. Instead, he continued to stare somewhat coolly down at the crab, before he resumed . . . dismantling it, or whatever it is you do with crab.

(Even if Bam prepares it, I will not touch seafood ever. I'm sorry, Bam.)

"We're not dating," he said, with some certainty, "I care about Ms. Endorssi a lot, but we're not dating."

He didn't elaborate at first, and I continued chopping onions. Despite having chosen such an uncomfortable topic, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all - though that did make me feel guilty.

I should be more sensitive to how I affect people, right?

"I'm not really ready," he said, finally, "She said she'd wait for me to be ready, but . . . I don't know if that's good for her either."

This stung more than I'd have expected it to, but I pushed the feelin of rejection back - it wasn't any of his responsibility how I was feeling, and I hadn't known him for that long anyway, "We don't always do what's best for us."

"Hmm. . ." It was wrong, but despite the general gist of the conversation - that he had a lady waiting for him, that he wasn't ready, the way he hummed in agreement sent butterflies to my stomach. Like a sneak preview of what it would be like to be close to someone, or . . . I'm not really sure. There was a clear image in my head for a moment, like a memory or a dream, but no matter how I tried to hold on to it, it flickered out of focus almost immediately. My hands froze, for a second, and I hurried to cover my hesitation up by wiping at my eyes with the back of my hands.

Bam didn't glance at me, so it was probably pointless, but it made me feel more in control to lie to myself.

"I don't want to force myself into anything, though," he said. I went back to chopping onions.

Even though I felt shakey, my voice was perfectly calm, "You don't have to. Forcing yourself to do something for someone else can do more harm than good."

Sometimes it's okay, or good - forcing yourself to clean something up for someone who's sick, or something like that even if you're tired, can be good. Later you can rest and recuperate, and everything's fine the next day. But forcing yourself to lie to people is different, right?

I set my knife down, "Bam, I'm sorry, but I need to duck out for a bit. Do you think you can take care of this?"

My voice didn't sound any different, but everything felt a little far away. Bam looked at me now, and I couldn't read his face, but he nodded, slowly.

"Are you okay, Ms. Min?" he asked. I forced a smile - a smile that felt all right even though it was hard, so hopefully it was convincing.

"I'll be okay. I think I'm just overheating," I replied, "I should have taken my jacket off earlier, but I'm gonna see if I can find something lighter to wear."

"I can get you something from my room . . . ." he offered, but his voice trailed off, and his eyes slid away from my face, "It's okay, though. I'll be here when you get back."

I didn't start crying when I left the room, but my throat was getting sore, and my vision was a little blurry. I made my way past the rooms until I got to the edge of the camp, and then I walked just a little bit more, so that I was out of the way, where no one would see me off hand, and then I crouched down and buried my head in my knees and wished I could cry properly.

I don't think I was out there for very long before someone asked, "What are you doing?"

It was Endorssi. She'd put on a heavier coat as well, and was staring down at me, her breath coming out in warm clouds. I smiled up at her.

"Getting some fresh air," I replied.

She made a strange, distainful sound, and then glanced back, "Weren't you supposed to be helping Bam?"

I looked away from her, sunk into myself further, "I got overwhelmed. I do that sometimes. It's just my brain."

The words tasted like ash or dust. Just my brain. Just my fault. Just me being weak. Just me being sensitive. Just me being wrong.

She made that noise again, and then walked past me, settling herself against the wall next to me and slowly sliding down so that we were sitting side by side, "He's overwhelming."

This jarred me a bit, and I looked over at her, "What? No, it's not - Bam didn't do anything."

"He doesn't have to," she said, simply; there was something strange in her eyes when she looked at me, "He just is."

"No, this is just . . . " I tried again, looking at my knees, "I'm just depressed."

"What?" she asked. It was kind of flat, like it was meant to be rhetorical.

"I'm depressed. It's dark and it makes me sad and oversensitive," I replied, "I. . . It's not Bam, it's me. I'm lonely and I'm being moody about it."

"Uh-huh. . . . " Endorssi seemed to think this was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard, but she gave that impression off a lot, "I'll bite. Why are you lonely?"

I shrugged, "I just am. It happens."

"Huh," I felt her attention shift. She didn't seem to be in the mood to deal with mind games, and it was a relief, "Was he ignoring you?"

Or not.

"No, we were talking," I replied, "I just get like this sometimes."

"There has to be a reason," Endorssi said. She sounded kind of numb, like she'd given up on finding reasons a long time ago, "Bam's really friendly. Why do we all feel so lonely around him?"

The way she said that through me for a loop again. I kind of just wanted to have my mental breakdown in peace so I could go back to helping Bam in the kitchen, but now I was being pulled into consoling Endorssi, I guess. If I'd been in a better state I would have been more curious, but for now I just put on my best customer service smile, which. . . honestly wasn't very good.

"I'm not sure," I replied, and Endorssi suddenly gave me a startled look.

We stared at each other for a moment. My smile felt like I'd stuffed knives in my cheeks, sharp and angry and not a very good smile at all. Endorssi seemed to be considering that.

"If you have something you want to say, just say it outright," she said haughtily after a moment.

I considered this, looking back towards camp, "Maybe you feel lonely around Bam because your expectations are wrong."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Endorssi was on me in a minute, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me. I let her - I wasn't in the kind of state where fighting her off seemed like anything more than a waste of time.

"He says the two of you aren't dating, y'know?" I replied, instead, "But you keep calling him your boyfriend. You're not satisfied with just being friends with him, you have to have a certain story you're trying to fulfill. My ex was the same way."

"You have an ex?" she dropped my shoulders, aghast, "Who would date you?"

"I know, right? Gross," I said, "Anyway . . . we became pretty good friends, all things considered, but he left and we started kind of drifting, and that's when I decided we should try dating. But he had this thing, right? It was like we were suddenly back on square one. He wouldn't tell me things, or confide in me, he kept all these stupid secrets. . . "

I thought about it for a moment, "Actually, even from day one he'd trusted me more than he did then. And I confronted him about it. And he said the dumbest thing, y'know? He was like. . . "

It took me a moment to sort out my brain. Endorssi was either curious or still in shock, but I took the opportunity to continue rambling, "He said, 'No, but that's how the story goes. I'm all brooding and you teach me how to trust and be vulnerable and that we're stronger together.' But he'd gone through that story already with his ex. He was just trapped in this loop. Love wasn't about being with someone you liked being with to him, it was about the story. I think that's the way it is with you and Bam. It's not about just getting to know each other for you, is it? It's about . . . ."

I trailed off, trying to think. I didn't have a whole lot of information on her feelings towards Bam, to be honest, and I shouldn't have been accusing her of things, so in the end I just waved my hands, "Whatever it is that he represents to you, more than who he is."

Endorssi had stopped looking at me. I thought, for a moment, that I'd lost her.

"What's it to you?" she asked after a while, "Love, that is."

"Control and pain," I said merrily, "Love is evil. You should never fall in love, because you'll only end up hurting people and they'll only hurt you, and you'll deserve it because you hurt them."

There was a bit of a silence; Endorssi glanced at me from the corner of her eye, "You're. . . not the way I thought you were."

"I haven't been honest since the second grade," I told her; my voice didn't sound bitter, either, just matter of fact, even though I'm filled with so much bitterness I could choke on it, "Or something. Anyway, I'll be fine when I get the sun back."

"You keep telling yourself that," Endorssi said, and stood, "Well, I'm going to help Bam in the kitchen. You stay out here and sulk, I guess."

"You're going to help. . . Bam cook?" I don't know why that surprised me, but I shrugged it off, "Sorry, I shouldn't act surprised. Everyone's been working hard."

Endorssi stared at me for a really long moment, "I'm going to make Bam fall in love with me and your 'story' can cram it."

"Bam's waiting for me," I replied, and stood, "I'll walk there with you so I can explain, at least. I'm feeling better anyway."

(I was not feeling better, exactly, but more in control, and when I get like that it's the same thing.)

Endorssi shrugged, and I trailed after her as we headed back to the kitchen. Bam looked up when we entered, but I was suddenly struck by how lonely he looked. No one had joined him in the kitchen, and that bothered me. It made sense - no one had known he was alone except me, but it still hurt to think of him being lonely, even though I knew I was projecting.

"Sorry about that," I said, quickly, "I couldn't find anything to wear."

"She was sulking," Endorssi said, immediately, "Don't trust her, she's a liar."

"I'm hurt," I complained; Bam blinked as Endorssi and I sidled in the room. Compared to outside, the heat was definitely stifling, "I told you that in confidence."

I said that mostly to acknowledge that Endorssi wasn't just being antagonistic, not so much because I'd really been confiding.

"She says love is about control and pain," Endorssi accused, "Don't trust her, Bam!"

"I'll . . . keep that in mind," Bam didn't seem to know what to make of Endorssi's presence, much less what she was saying, "But, Ms. Min, would you like me to grab something from my room?"

"Why don't you just take that stupid jacket off?" Endorssi grumbled. She eyed where I'd been chopping onions doubtfully.

It was embarrassing to revisit this conversation again; I'd already explained to Bam that since I was borrowing clothes from everyone, nothing really fit right, but I didn't want to go over it again.

"Ms. Min has her reasons," Bam said instead, though, "We'll be right back, Ms. Endorssi."

He crossed the room, taking my hand as he passed by me. My heart leapt into my throat, and I trailed out of the room after him, hoping Endorssi didn't notice.

I still couldn't shake the sensation of someone glaring at my back, but . . . I've never been the kind of person who can tell when someone's looking at me without looking at them first.

Bam's hand was very warm, and it felt nice, but I had to squirm out of his grip as soon as we were out of earshot of Endorssi, "Um, Bam. . . "

"Sorry," he said, reflexively, "I shouldn't have grabbed you like that."

He didn't look at me, though, and kept walking. I trotted to keep up with him, "It's fine. Just, um. . . for me something like that is. . . "

My throat closed up; I stopped walking. Bam stopped as well, as though he'd sensed something was wrong.

It was not shaping up to be a very good night, at this point. I took a deep breath, "Never mind."

Bam reached for my hand again, but as soon as his fingers had closed around my finger tips, I withdrew, stumbling back. I don't know why I was acting this way.

"No, that's -" I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye, "I'm sorry, I just. . . it was okay when we met, because I couldn't understand what you were saying but . . . hand holding to me is . . . ."

"I understand," his voice was smooth and cool, as though I had a fever and he'd settled a damp cloth over my forehead, "But we should keep walking, Ms. Min."

I glanced up at him; he was smiling, but my mind still didn't want to put a label to the sort of smile he was making. I wanted to try trusting him though. I want to be able to trust people.

Hesitantly, I took a step closer to him. He took a step back, though he didn't turn around, and instead kept his gaze focused on me. It wasn't until we'd taken several steps that way that he turned around and walked normally the rest of the way to his room.

I imagine he probably thought I was really strange, in that moment, but he didn't say anything about it as he ushered me into his room and then opened up his pocket.

"That does look a lot lighter than the sweater you were wearing before," he said, "But I think I have some sweaters that would fit, too."

This is the point where I learned that Bam travelled with a lot of clothes, tucked away in his pocket.

There were heavy coats, scarves, gloves, sweaters, hoodies, turtlenecks, t-shirts, shorts, a pale purple v-neck I thought would look really nice on him, and about a million button ups - one of which he actually seemed to consider for a moment, before holding it up to me. It was light blue with short sleeves, made from a very light fabric.

". . . Maybe this would work, though?" he asked, "With the sweaters and everything, I think it'll be the same as with Mr. Hockney's jacket. . . but it's not a winter shirt, so maybe not."

"No, that's fine,"I said quickly. It was a little embarrassing to talk about wearing his clothes like this, and I found myself reaching up to fidget with my hair. I was in the process of untying it - I'd pulled it back into a braid, earlier - when the hair tie suddenly snapped.

Bam and I were both quiet for a moment, and then he said, almost too quickly, "I have hair ties, just a moment. . . ."

"Why do you have so many clothes?" I asked; there was something about Bam's room that was very calming, even though it was a little dark - his pocket was set to light mode, but it was like a small lamp at best, and everything was shadowy, even directly in the light of his pocket.

"Mr. Jinsung gives them to me," Bam mumbled, and produced an entire packet of hair ties, which he passed to me before busying himself out selecting . . . more clothes for me, I guess. I pulled one of the hair ties off as he continued, "He was. . . the one who taught me when I was with FUG. He liked stylish clothes, though. . . I don't know if he's the most fashionable person. . . ."

"I like them," I said, mostly because I wasn't sure what exactly to say, and passed him back the packet of hair ties. He seemed like he was about to laugh for a moment, but stopped short.

"No, you keep them," he said.

"Are you sure?"

I'm not sure what it was about the question, but something strange crossed his face when I said that, and he nodded, "I don't have long hair anymore, so I don't need them."

He returned to selecting shirts - most of them summer shirts like the blue one he'd picked - while I unbraided my hair and finger combed it. This time, though, I decided to just put it in two braids instead of the one.

It was only after a long period of silence that I looked up to find him watching me. When he saw me notice him, he looked away, "Ms. Min. . . what did Ms. Endorssi mean earlier?"

"I was being cynical when she found me," I replied, "I know love isn't really about control or pain, I just. . . get moody sometimes."

Bam looked up at me, and watched as I continued to braid my hair. I didn't really look to see how it was coming along, afraid to miss something if I did.

"Have you had bad luck with relationships?"

I've had bad luck with everything, to be honest. And I guess part of me wanted to talk about it, but I didn't want to burden him so I just shrugged, "I guess so."

Looking very solemn, he said, "I'm sorry. You deserve better than that."

I wasn't sure what to make of this, "Life isn't always that simple."

At some point, he'd sat down on his bed, and now he looked at the shirt in his lap. He considered me for a long moment, and I tugged nervously at my braid, before he seemed to decide something, "I'll make sure you get better."

"What?" my disblief must have been too strong, because he ducked his head quickly, fingers twisting together in his lap. I wanted to step closer to him, but I didn't want to bother him.

"I'll make sure . . . whatever happened, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again," Bam said; his voice had gotten quieter, and he was mumbling now.

"It probably won't happen again anyway,"I replied, "Anyway, I don't date or. . . ."

Or make friends with people, was what I'd been about to say, but I realized how fucked up that would sound before I could, "Or get involved with shady people anymore. I'm okay."

Bam glanced up at me, and then looked away again. I was starting to wonder if he'd pulled me in here just to interrogate me, but that didn't really seem like the way he worked. . . .

The thought was still scary, though, so I confronted it, "Did you bring me here to talk to me about this?"

He thought about it for a moment before answering, selecting the blue shirt he'd shown me earlier and a similar one in white, which he passed to me, "No, I just . . . didn't want to leave you alone with Ms. Endorssi . . ."

He couldn't meet my eyes when he said it. I took the shirts from him, though. For a moment, we both stood there, and then I crossed the room, sitting down next to him. He glanced at me, and then said, quickly, like he wanted to make up for something, "I just wanted to be alone with you."

". . . Why?" I asked, and pushed back the urge to ask more specific - and probably leading - questions. Bam considered this.

"I just like being alone with you," he said after a moment, "I feel like you . . . "

He trailed off. I watched him, somewhat expectantly, but when he spoke up again he changed the topic, "Anyway. I didn't mean to confront you, I was just wondering. You seem to know a lot about that kind of stuff, so I thought maybe you'd had a lot of experiences. . . ."

"I read romance novels and play dating sims," I replied. My lips twitched, and I looked away so I could retain my composure, "Lots of dating sims. I also write romance stories, but none of them are finished."

I mean, I've finished a few here and there but they're all terrible and I had no idea what I was doing when it came to sexual chemistry or any of that stuff. . . and they're all reader insert fanfiction, so it's not like I could publish them and get money. It's easier to just say, "But I've never finished anything" than to say, "But I can't be a published writer or a professional because I write embarrassing things" or something.

"Oh, really?" Bam didn't seem to know how to respond to that, but when I looked back to him, he was smiling softly, "I'm glad. Everyone else seems to know so much about it, but . . . I guess it's not always because they're more experienced. . . ."

"We all have different experiences," I replied, feeling a little awkward, and held up the shirts he'd lent me, "Are you sure you're okay with me borrowing these?"

He nodded, "Mm. I hope it helps."

Then he stood; I followed him out the door, and he headed towards the kitchen while I went to my room to change. I couldn't help watching after him as he lingered in the doorway of the kitchen, and I had to look away quickly when he glanced back over at me.

I'm never really sure what's going on in my head when I get that way, but Bero Bero was languishing on her bed when I entered, looking miserable.

"What's wrong?" were the first words out of my mouth, and she started, bolting into a sitting position. She stared at me a long moment before sighing.

"After this month I'm going to be here all alone," she said, "Cherry La is going with you and the others to the Floor of Death."

I glanced around the room, but Cherry La didn't seem to be here at the moment. Bero Bero followed my glance, evidently, because she said, "Princess Endorssi was yelling in the kitchen, so she went to investigate. I. . . needed space anyway."

"Oh," I moved to sit down on my own bed. Bero Bero was eyeing the clothing in my arms, and I could feel my face heat. I could only hope I wasn't blushing.

My complexion, I think, makes it difficult to tell, but I'm not really sure.

"Did you two have a fight?" I asked, trying to keep to the topic on hand; Bero Bero sighed again, and slumped over, cradeling her head in her hands.

"No, but . . . I guess I was hoping that she'd change her mind about the Floor of Death," she said, "I know it's just for a few days, hopefully, but I'm still worried. It's the Floor of Death - they call it that for a reason, y'know? Anything could happen."

"I'll keep an eye on her," I offered. Bero Bero made a noise that was almost a laugh, except for how pained it was.

"No offense, but she's a lot stronger than you are," she said, "Even if you've been learning techniques from the great family or are an irregular. And actually - you said before that you didn't really understand any of the good stuff anyway!"

". . . I'm sorry," I said, looking away, "That was insensitive of me. I just don't know what else I can do. . . ."

Bero Bero sighed a third time, and flopped over, "There's nothing anyone can do. I just have to wait for her to get back."

"Hang in there. . ."I offered.

"I just feel like a coward," Bero Bero said, after a pause, "For not going with her. I had plenty of time to change my mind. She's the only teammate I have left right now. I should be willing to risk more for her. But I just. . . don't want to live that kind of life."

I could definitely understand this, "I think it's okay to know what you want. If there was a problem, she'd say something, right?"

"Yeah. . . "

"Why's she going to the floor of death, anyway?" I asked, "I know most everyone is going because of Bam, right? But that doesn't seem like something she'd do. . . ."

"I hope it's not something she'd do," Bero Bero grumbled, "But all she said was that it seemed interesting. . . . "

That . . .did sound like it could possibly be because of Bam, then, but . . . "That's not the sort of thing that means you can expect other people to give up their safety for, right? That. . . probably sounded really cold. . . ."

"It doesn't feel right to try talking her out of it, either," Bero Bero said, "It's just one of those things."

"I'm sorry," I said, "That's really hard. . ."

"It's different with you, since you might die if you don't go and Hwa Ryun says you'll definitely be okay," Bero Bero said, "But with Cherry La, it's like she just said one day, 'I'd like to go swimming in shark infested waters because it sounds fun'. I should have tried talking her out of it, but doing that seemed like saying, 'I know what's best for you' or 'you're not strong enough' and . . . that's not true. Neither of those are true."

"She'll be okay," I said, "It'll be okay. I think you did the right thing."

Bero Bero rolled over, glancing at me, and after a moment she seemed to relax, "Yeah. We're all doing the best we can."

We were both quiet for a moment; I was still holding Bam's shirts to my chest, and that seemed to inspire Bero Bero to change the topic, "Are those Bam's clothes?"

It was my turn to flop over onto my bed, rolling over so I could hide the shirts, "I was getting too hot in Hockney's jacket."

Bero Bero snickered, "Endorssi's gonna get so mad."

"She knows already!" I said, quickly, "And anyway, you didn't get mad because I was wearing Hockney's jacket! It doesn't mean anything!"

"Why are you bringing up Hockney?" Bero Bero asked, and she sounded a little flustered, but I didn't have the courage to look at her.

I didn't really have an answer for that. After a moment of silence, though, I asked, "Did you like Hockney?"

"He was alright," Bero Bero said, "He seemed nice, though."

We fell silent for a while after that, and I sat up, busying myself with changing into Bam's shirt instead of Hockney's jacket. It was a lot broader in the shoulders than Hwa Ryun's shirts had been, so after I straightned out Bero Bero's dress underneath it fit alright.

I was really looking forward to getting my own clothes, though. Speaking of which. . . I wonder what I'll do about money, when it comes to that. . . ?

I don't want to have to rely on someone else buying everything for me . . . .

Once I was dressed, I headed back into the kitchen - where it definitely seemed that Cherry La and Endorssi and Bam had managed everything alright. I still felt a bit bad for ducking out, but Bam smiled at me when I entered.

"Dinner's almost ready," he said, softly, "Do you want to help finish setting up?"

I nodded, and slipped over to help Cherry La; at one point, I looked up to see Endorssi staring at me with a strange expression on her face, but she looked away quickly.

Dinner was fairly quiet. Bam sat next to me, and Bero Bero sat between me and Cherry La. Endorssi let Kun settle on Bam's other side without any comment. I'm not really sure what's going through her mind, but I hope she's okay.

 **Day 5v2**

I didn't feel like writing yesterday; Bam, Kun and I spent most of the day training, and that wiped me out. I can manage a fairly weak unit of shinsoo - room - but even Kun can dissolve it easily and Bam is naturally worlds ahead of me.

It's been a little awkward between me and Bam since the other day, and today I ended up focusing mostly on my swordsmanship. Bam and Kun seemed content to sit by and watch me work - by which I mean, lurk in the same room as me while they talked over other things. Eavesdropping was a little enlightening.

Hoaqin is apparently a very, very bad person. Bam thinks Endorssi is probably feeling left out, but Kun doesn't think they should do anything about it, there's some kind of conflict building involving other Princesses of Jahad and Kun's worried about what will happen after the Floor of Death, if they get that far. Kun seemed to be keen on going over everything that was bothering him again, and Bam seemed to get more and more hesitant the longer this went on.

At this point, I gave up pretending not to eavesdrop, and said, "I mean, the Floor of Death will go fine, right? So it might be a good idea to figure out how you want to handle the princess thing."

"What, is everything going to be okay now that you're here?" Kun asked; I looked over at him, where he was slouched over, chin propped in one hand. On the surface, it seems like he's gotten more prickly around me, but . . . he also seems more relaxed, which is the opposite of how it normally goes.

Normally, people get nicer and nicer around me and more and more tense. If he's relaxing, then I think no matter what, that's a good thing, right?

"I . . .actually think the same thing," Bam offered; I returned to thrusting at thin air while Kun protested.

"You too. . . ? You both realize that no one comes out of the Floor of Death, right? Hockney and Anak are exceptions, not the rule!" Kun said, "And they've both talked about how difficult it was!"

"I . . . still don't know Mr. Hockney," Bam admitted, at the same time as I said, "Who's Anak?"

Kun was silent for a moment, and then he gave a long suffering sigh that was not enough to cover up his laughter. It's kind of a treat to hear Kun laugh - he has this high, brittle one that sounds dangerous and cold, but then it comes out at the weirdest times in the weirdest ways. He'd make a good villain on some kind of drama, but hearing his laugh in real life. . . well, I don't think I can put it into words.

"You guys. . . " he said, finally, "This is serious. The Floor of Death is a lawless wasteland. . . "

I considered this.

"I don't know. . . I guess Hockney didn't talk much about it, but he didn't seem like he had such a hard time there," I said, at last. I mean, sure, you never know what kind of place a person grew up in just by looking at them, but Hockney seems so quiet and peaceful. . . .

"Anak said it was okay, too," Bam added.

"We won't know until we get there," I added, and swiped the sword, "Anyway, it has nothing to do with me. You guys will be fine on the floor of death. Nothing bad will happen."

"Are you a Guide? Do you know the future?" Kun asked. I nodded.

"Sometimes," I said, "I wouldn't say I'm as reliable as Hwa Ryun or anyone, but sometimes the future is very clear to me."

I gave up on continuing to train for the time being, turning to them, "Anyway, because you've both worked hard, it'll be fine. I don't know how to say it any better than this, though."

Bam nodded, smiling gently. My heart skipped several beats, and I had to look away from him, "I feel the same way. Even if it's dangerous, I think we'll all be able to get through it together."

"Y-yeah," I thought about this for a moment, and then pointed my sword over at the two of them, somewhat dramatically, "So you should both work things out with Endorssi. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but you should talk things out if you want to keep being friends with her. And if you don't want to be friends with her, you should try to say that clearly as well. Otherwise everyone ends up being miserable."

I'd been debating saying anything for the last couple of days, but at this point I wanted to speak frankly. That's the trouble with me - I try to hold back, but I always end up deciding to just say what's on my mind without thinking about it carefully.

Bam and Kun both stared at me, and I lowered my sword, wondering if that had made me seem too aggressive, "Sorry. But . . . I can understand not wanting to push yourself after getting hurt, but communicating with people clearly is really important, too."

Bam nodded again; the smile he wore was a little sad, and I pushed back the urge to reach out to him. Kun was looking at him as well, "You're right. I shouldn't hesitate. I want to keep being friends with Ms. Endorssi, so I should talk to her about why I'm upset and what happened."

"If she listens," Kun said, doubtfully. I felt a little guilty for pushing at Bam now, but I crossed the room to sit down near them.

"I mean, if you want to talk about it with someone else there, that could help," I said, "Though. . . It's also important to be clear about why they're there. If you say it's to help both parties, and then that person only helps one, that can become a bad situation. Maybe ask to talk to her, and let her know that Kun is there to help keep things from getting out of control?"

"Wait, why are you volunteering me?" Kun asked, "You're the one pushing for this."

"Endorssi doesn't like me," I replied, "But I think she does trust you. So if you say, 'Hey, Bam and I want to talk to you about what happened on the Name Hunt Station' it should make it clear that you're mostly there to back up Bam, without seeming like you're ganging up on her."

Of course, after that all you have to do is make sure you don't actually gang up on the person, but I don't think Bam or Kun would do that. Bam considered this, though.

"No, I think I'll talk to her myself," he said, after a moment, "When things happened on the Name Hunt Station, there was a lot going on. I think if we talked about it clearly now that everything is over, it might help."

Kun sighed, "Well. . . if you need any back up, let me know."

Bam nodded, smiling at Kun, "Thank you. I just. . . want to make sure Ms. Endorssi is also able to talk freely."

And that was that. After lunch, Bam went to talk to Endorssi while she trained, and Yuri met Kun and myself in the hallway outside. I was keeping Kun company while he lurked, and Yuri just kind of plopped down with us. Kun stiffened a bit at her presence, but seemed to relax since I was between them.

"What are they talking about?" she wondered out loud multiple times. Kun would reassure her it was just some stuff from the Name Hunt Station, but she'd just say, "But what _about_ the Name Hunt Station?"

And so they kind of ended up going around in circles a little bit. Kun seemed more and more astounded by just how dense Yuri could be, but I felt like she had a point. For Kun it was probably obvious, but for Yuri and myself - we hadn't been there so we honestly had no idea.

Eventually, Yuri seemed to get frustrated trying to puzzle together the details when there weren't any clues, and asked how Kun and I were doing with training.

"Fine," Kun said, "Mr. Evan doesn't think there's anything more he can teach me right now."

"I'm doing my best," I said, "But shinsoo control is really hard. . ."

Yuri considered this.

"Bam says you healed him the other day," she said, which seemed to catch Kun's interest, "How did you do that?"

I shrugged.

"I . . .don't know?" I asked, hesitantly, "Bam says I'm using the shinsoo in a weird way, which is why he wants to teach me about wave controlling, but . . . "

It was easier to talk about with Bam, but I didn't want to talk about my weird beliefs and upbringning with Yuri, who seems so mature and cool a good ninety percent of the time. And no one's mature and cool one hundred percent of the time. Even if they're really serious, there's always those times when you just can't be all together, right?

"I just kind of . . . reached inside of myself?" I offered at last. Yuri considered this, and then laughed, pounding me on the back.

"You must have imprinted on him really strongly, huh?" she asked, "Well, that's good. I'm glad you two have been looking out for each other. The Tower is a pretty rough place even when you're born into it."

"It's not that bad, is it. . . ?" I asked, even though I've only really been on the Hell Train. But they made the Hell Train out to be super scary, so if it's scarier than the rest of the tower. . . .

"Well, we've been looking after you until now," Yuri said, somberly, "But the rest of the Tower. . . if you don't end up with the right people, it can be a really bad place. It's easy for it to crush the dreams out of a person, or their beliefs. . . ."

For some reason, this made me think of Rachel, even though I'd only met her for a brief moment. She'd seemed very kind, but her companion had almost killed me, and it turned out that she'd hurt a lot of the people I was traveling with now through her schemes.

Especially Bam.

"Sorry for the trouble," I said, at last, "Thank you for being patient with me."

Yuri gave me a crooked smile, "It's not a problem. Just as long as you stay safe, okay?"

Then she stood, "Well, they're taking a long time. I'm going to get something to drink. Don't let Endorssi escape when she and Bam are done!"

It wasn't until after she was gone that Kun sighed and slumped against the wall, "If she was going to do that, they're probably already gone. . . ."

"But isn't there generally a bright flash of light?" I asked, "We'd probably see it under the d-"

I didn't finish what I was going to say because Bam and Endorssi emerged from the room at that moment. Endorssi seemed strangely quiet, and gave me a long, strange look. Kun immediately stood to greet Bam, but I was a bit more hesitant - especially when Endorssi stopped in front of me.

"You," she said, in the most ominous voice I'd heard since arriving in the Tower, "I need to talk to you."

Kun opened his mouth to say something - I heard him take a deep breath - but Bam interceded quickly, "It's okay, Mr. Kun. Ms. Endorssi just wants to talk."

I still felt a little uncertain, but Endorssi hadn't grabbed me and I thought that was a plus, so I followed after her, down the hall. When I glanced behind me, Bam and Kun were heading towards the kitchen, talking quietly.

It seems like they really have their own world that they belong to. I wonder if I'm jealous? Is it because I want that kind of intimacy with someone or specifically because it's Bam? I don't have a lot of experience with jealousy. I have boatloads of experience with insecurity, but jealousy is a bit different.

Maybe it's guilt, for wanting to get closer to Bam when someone he's close to is already feeling lonely.

"Bam says you're the reason he talked to me today," Endorssi said. I'm not sure if by talk she meant "reached out to" or "discussed" but the latter probably makes more sense. She seemed to not know how to say what she wanted to say, so I waited patiently.

"I didn't need you to interfere," she added.

I shrugged, "I wasn't interfering."

"Do you even know what happened?" she demanded, and whirled on me, "He left me to die, okay? But . . . I'm the bad guy, because I tried to force him to choose me."

I thought about it, but she continued before I could say anything, "And I . . . I'm the one who feels guilty, too."

I decided that I didn't know what to say. Which is good, because whatever I had to say before probably wasn't that helpful.

"Why?" I asked, after a long pause. Endorssi seemed to think we'd gotten far enough away from people, because she leaned against the wall of the hallway and turned her attention on me.

"I promised him I'd wait," she said, and there was a storm behind her eyes. Her brows were furrowed, as though if she just stared intensely at me enough, she wouldn't cry, "I said, 'When you find Rachel, I'll be here for you.' But when my life was on the line, I regretted it. And I broke that promise. But he doesn't care about that promise. He just wanted to know if I still cared about him."

I feel like there's definitely a different Bam that Kun and Endorssi get to meet than the one I've met so far. But Endorssi couldn't meet my gaze anymore, and had looked away. I looked away as well, back towards where Bam and Kun had headed.

"People like Bam scare me," I said without thinking. There was a blur of movement from the corner of my eye, and I looked up to seen Endorssi staring at me. I shrugged.

"He's the kind of person who could probably be convinced to do anything," I said, "Like. . . I feel like if I'm myself around him, he'll just cave and do whatever I want. I know that's just me, but . . . people who are too nice scare me."

Endorssi made a weird, distainful sound, as though meeting herself for the first time after years apart, thinking she could escape who she was, "Maybe they're just returning the favor."

"I'm sorry?"

She snorted, "You keep going around trying to hold yourself back that way. 'Oh, I don't want anything that's not freely given' or 'I'm sorry for existing'. People have to be nice to you or they'll turn into some sort of villain, but that's just how you are, isn't it?"

I suddenly couldn't breathe, "I'm . . . trying to be better."

But it didn't matter, and I knew it. Endorssi watched me for a moment, and then shrugged.

"You won't be able to," she said, "You're your worst fear. The only thing you can do is learn to not be afraid."

And then she walked off, "I gotta get back to training. Later."

I stayed there for a while, staring at nothing. I wanted to cry, but there weren't any tears, and honestly there wasn't any point. I do have to grow up eventually.

But I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Bam and Kun ended up finding me there. Bam suddenly seemed really anxious, as though he'd messed up by letting Endorssi talk to me, but Kun seemed to accept it as an inevitability.

"She'd have said whatever it is she said sooner or later," he said, which seemed to settle Bam's spirits some. I felt a little guilty for thinking Kun was pushing Bam after Rachel or whatever I said before, but I think guilt is the only thing that I can actually feel and process.

And just like that, I was curled up and crying into my knees. Bam and Kun both seemed to panic, especially when I repeatedly insisted that I wasn't crying, and that everything was okay, and no Endorssi hadn't said anything that upset me, which is technically true. All she did was acknowledge something I've been trying to ignore for years.

Kun crouched down next to me, saying soothing things, but eventually he and Bam seemed to decide on something, and he just picked me up, hauling me over his shoulder. When I demanded to be put down, Bam just tried to reassure me from behind Kun. I don't really remember what he said because I was too busy having a melt down, or maybe a temper tantrum, and trying to hide my face without getting tears or snot on Kun's jacket.

Kun eventually deposited me on my bed, with Bero Bero and Cherry La looking on in shock, and I curled up in a ball and rolled over. Kun said something about getting some water. Someone pulled the blankets up over my shoulders.

I distinctly remember at one point saying, stubbornly, "There's no point in being nice to me. I'm just going to be like this again."

To which Bam just smiled and said, "Get some rest, okay? I'll wait for you right here."

I didn't actually sleep, but I stayed curled up for a while even after I'd stopped crying. Cherry La drifted over to me, and Bero Bero settled on the other side of the bed from Bam. She asked what happened, and he said that I'd talked with Endorssi about something, and that was it.

"There's no light," I managed to say at this point. Only a little bit later, though, there was - and Kun's voice commented on it when he re-entered.

"Isn't that a little much?" he asked, "Don't overwhelm her."

"She said there wasn't enough light," Bero Bero said doubtfully, "Anyway, what happened? Bam says he doesn't know."

Kun sighed in that way that made me think he was raking his hands through his hair, and I felt him sit down next to Bam. A moment later, someone leaned over to brush my hair out of my eyes, and I looked up to see Bam leaning over me.

"Do you want some water?" he asked.

"Don't crowd her," Bero Bero protested.

I turned to hide my face in the pillow. There was a soft thud as the glass was settled on someone's lighthouse.

"Well, I'm going to give her some space," Kun's voice said, finally, "Bero Bero, Cherry La, do you want to play cards?"

"As long as we're not betting anything. . . " Bero Bero's voice said, hesitantly.

"Call us if you need anything. . . " Cherry La added, and drifted after Kun. Bero Bero awkwardly patted my back before following her friend, but Bam stayed where he was.

It was a bit longer until Bam said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I was starting to calm down on that end, and I rolled over, pushing my hair out of my eyes. Instead of answering his question properly though, I said stubbornly, "Why are you here?"

He blinked at me; in the bright light - in addition to Kun's and Cherry La's lighthouses being set to maximum power, Bam himself had evidentally conjured eight rooms of light as well - his honey gold eyes looked more like a warm brown than their usual gold, like stones under river water.

He looked much more ordinary and much more vulnerable. Bero Bero had said something before about not putting him on a pedastal, but honestly, I don't think that's the problem I'm running into.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

I looked away.

"I don't know," I said, "I don't want to make you do one thing or the other. I just . . . don't understand. The other day you said you liked being alone with me, and before that you told me things that you hadn't told anyone else, and now everyone's left but you. I don't know why you're here, but you shouldn't be. I'm not as trustworthy as I seem."

"Do you want me to be here?" he asked. I didn't flinch, but I wanted to. I did want him there - now that I wasn't crying and unable to explain myself, I wanted Bero Bero and Cherry La and Kun back, too. But . . .

"I don't want one way or the other," I said, stubbornly, "I just want to make people happy."

"You make me happy," he said at once. I looked up at him, and he was staring at me intently.

"Don't . . . It's more complicated than that," I said, "It's not just about knowing it or not knowing it. I don't need to be reassured. I just want to do my best and be kind. I want to make people happy, but I don't want to force people to act happy around me either. . . ."

"That sounds really difficult," Bam said. He sounded sincere, and I couldn't meet his gaze.

"Why are you here?" I asked him again. He seemed to think about it before answering, because there was a bit of a pause.

"It's. . . complicated," he said, finally, "I need to think about it, but I'll tell you when I can, okay?"

I nodded.

"What did Ms. Endorssi say?" he asked.

"It was a little personal," I replied, "But . . . she didn't mean it badly. She didn't attack me or bully me. She just said something plainly that I try not to think about too much."

When I peeked at him, he seemed to be considering that. Then he smiled at me.

"Get some rest, okay, Ms. Min?" he asked, "Mr. Kun and I will be right outside if you need anything."

I nodded again, and laid back down. Bam carefully pulled the covers up over my shoulders, before asking one last thing.

"Is it okay if I look over you a little?"

I didn't really know what to say. It felt like I was drowning just being asked.

"Whatever you want to do is fine," I said, eventually. He stood, and a moment later I heard the door shut behind him. The rooms of shinsoo winked out one by one, though the lighthouses were still rather bright.

I tried to sleep for a bit, but ended up writing everything down. Like usual, I didn't actually write any of my feelings and just strange things instead, but I'll try and get some sleep now.

 **After Dinner, Day 4v2**

Bero Bero and Cherry La brought me dinner. There wasn't any seafood, which was a relief. I wasn't sure if anyone would remember that I don't eat fish, but it turned out fine.

Bero Bero said that dinner was strange, but she and Cherry La shrugged me off when I asked. Cherry La ended up turning down both the lighthouses, and I'm going to try getting some more sleep.

Maybe I cried a lot today, but it was a little cathartic. Everyone was very nice, so I'll work hard to repay them.

 **Day 5v2**

Today started out kind of strange. I guess Bero Bero wasn't joking about dinner - something big definitely happened.

When I got to breakfast today, Hwa Ryun was already there, helping Bam to finish preparing things. I guess he's kind of taken over cooking in general, because he's cooked every day since he got back, with other people helping him in the kitchen according to when they were supposed to help cook.

Bam would not meet my gaze. He saw me and immediately looked away. And when other people filtered in for the day, I ended up seated between Bero Bero and Kun; Bam, in turn, sat between Kun and Endorssi.

Endorssi did not seem victorious at all. Instead, she spent most of breakfast gripping her bowl too tightly and being pointedly ignored by Kun - who went out of his way to have reasons to ask Sachi or Boro for things, and occasionally talking over Endorssi entirely.

This all seemed to amuse Hwa Ryun, because she occasionally glanced at him, covered her mouth with her hand as though to hide some sort of expression, and then merrily went on eating.

Yuri was just as baffled as I was, but everyone else seemed to know exactly what was happening. Sachi and Boro made a valiant effort - helped somewhat by Kun - to restore cheer and good nature to the room, but. . . .

After breakfast, I ditched Bero Bero and Cherry La to catch up with Bam, who was walking from the room in a daze.

"Are you mad at me?" were, unfortunately, the first words of my mouth. He only seemed more bewildered by this; he opened his mouth to say something, closed it, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then managed to say.

"You're not Rachel."

When I didn't seem to understand that - and I mean, obviously I'm not Rachel, but the context was a little weird, he clarified, "I'm. . . sorry if I was treating you like her. I need to think it over though."

"Oh. . ." I wasn't really sure what to say to that, and for a moment we were both silent. Bam still wasn't looking at me, "Are you going to be okay?"

He didn't seem to understand me any better than I'd understood him, and blinked at me quickly before shaking his head, "Oh, um! Yes, I'll be fine, Ms. Min. Thank you for worrying about me. . ."

It was a strained, artificial response. I turned to go, still not sure what I'd done wrong, when Bam said, "Wait!"

I maybe turned back to him too quickly, and he said, "I'm sorry if I was too pushy earlier."

"I didn't say you were. . . " my voice came out too hesitant, but there wasn't anything I could really do about it, "Do you. . . want to talk?"

He relaxed a lot, "Not about anything specific, but . . . do you want to work on wave controlling today?"

(Not really. I did not really.)

"I guess I should," I said instead, "I still prefer hitting things with swords, though."

He . . . chuckled? I think chuckled might be the best word, and motioned me to follow him, "Okay. I'm glad you're working hard."

I followed after him, and asked, "Why did you think you were being too pushy?"

"Ms. Endorssi . . . ." he started, then considered it for a moment, "Ms. Endorssi said you were the kind of person who wouldn't say if she needed space."

"You will know when I need space," I said; my tone must have been a little dark, because he glanced at me. But his shoulders seemed to relax, and when I glanced up at his face, he seemed much more relaxed than he had earlier.

We spent the rest of the morning training; at some point, Kun joined us, and like Bam he praised me for working hard. It was a little embarrassing, but he seemed genuinely happy, so I didn't say anything about it.

Eventually, though, I did ask about breakfast; Bam had said I seemed to do better with my rooms if I focused on something else, like conversation, so we'd been talking pretty aimlessly about things. They'd talked about some of their other teammates - apparently, Endorssi and a gentleman named Hatsu were a real hassle for Kun once upon a time, and Bam talked about Wangnan and someone called Ehwa.

"You're nothing like Rachel," Kun said in response. At this point, I could gather that someone - probably Endorssi - had compared me to Rachel, but Kun only continued with, "If you were anything like Rachel, I'd hate you."

"I mean, there are some similarities. . . " Bam said, at this point. Kun almost choked, and Bam hurried to clarify, "I mean, Rachel was also a hard worker and she liked stars too. . . "

"Endorssi was just blustering," Kun declared quite firmly, "She can't let go of Rachel."

"You can't either though. . ." the words were out before I could stop myself, and Kun gave me a Look.

He did not go anywhere, though.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"Those in glass houses shouldn't cast stones," I said primly, "You've brought up Rachel easily twice as often as Bam has."

"You do bring up Rachel a lot. . . " Bam said.

"I've been betrayed," Kun said, dramatically, and slouched against the wall, as though he really had been driven to despair, "I do _not_."

"When we arrived on this floor," Bam said, "And when I was telling Ms. Min about FUG, and at the Name Hunt Station, and . . . maybe when I went to the Rice Pot before that?"

Kun seemed to consider this, "You weren't thinking about Rachel at all then?"

Bam was silent. I redoubled my attention on the shinsoo around me, attacking the room Bam had summoned.

It seemed that different people had different rooms - Bam's were tiny pinpricks of light like stars, very neat and orderly, but mine kept coming out more like a will-o-the-whisp, large and vague and not fond of being touched. It sizzled up against his room immediately, and I tried again.

"You'll get the hang of it," Bam said encouragingly, and then, finally, said, "I think about Rachel a lot, but I wasn't really thinking about her those times. I really feel like I need to go to the Floor of Death in order to find out what it means to be an irregular."

". . . I guess I have to believe you," Kun said, as though what he was really saying was _Where does that leave me?_

He mulled it over for a while. Bam and I talked about the kind of things wave controllers did, compared to fishermen, and Kun remained fairly silent. It wasn't until Endorssi ended up rapping on the door of our training room that Bam realized it was almost lunch time.

"She's doing really well," he told Endorssi as we were all getting up.

"What, is she your kid now?" Endorssi asked, and sighed like this was all too much, and she had a headache, "Whatever, I'm hungry. Help in the kitchen! No one's as good at cooking as you!"

"Hey, back off," Kun said harshly. He seems to say this to Endorssi a lot, actually, but it was her turn to ignore him as she latched herself onto Bam.

"I want creamy spaghetti!" she demanded.

This time, I can definitely say with complete confidence that I was a little jealous when Bam didn't withdraw or protest. Kun must have been too, because he immediately offered me his arm. I took it, gingerly, and he gave me a reassuring smile.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," he said, "Endorssi's being childish, but that doesn't mean I'm going to push you into anything."

"Thank you," I said. We went like that to the kitchen, where Kun and I helped Bam cook and Endorssi looked on from the background. Bam's best dish is apparently creamy spaghetti - or at least, he said it was the one he was most confident about.

Hwa Ryun showed up to this meal very promptly as well. Apparently whatever I'd missed at dinner had been really entertaining, because she seemed disappointed that things between us had calmed down.

Endorssi sat between me and Bam, and Hwa Ryun was already sitting on my other side by the time Bero Bero and Cherry La arrived. I felt a little bad, but I think Bero Bero actually seemed a little relieved.

Yuri was curious about my progress when she arrived, and when Bam said I was doing well, she immediately demanded a demonstration.

"Not at the table!" Endorssi protested, "No training at the table!"

This immediately led to squabbling, which Evan tried in vain to cut short.

"Do you like the spaghetti?" Bam asked me while this was happening.

"It's good," I replied, "Thank you for cooking!"

I don't know what it was about this exchange, but Kun rubbed his temples briefly, and then switched places with me, to Endorssi's even louder protesting.

"Shut up and eat the food Bam made for you," he said, coldly, and took a bite from her plate without asking.

"They've gotten rowdy," Sachi commented quietly to Boro.

"Kids these days," was all Boro had to say to that; there was a loud protest from Kun as Hwa Ryun evidently took food from his plate as well. Endorssi seemed to think this was his just reward.

"Evan, I feel like I'm a kindergarten teacher. . . " Yuri bemoaned, quite possibly because no one was paying attention to her. Evan wore a look like he'd been a kindergarten teacher for most of his life.

"Hang in there, Princess Yuri. . . " Bero Bero. She didn't seem to know what to make of lunch either, compared to breakfast.

But, I don't know. . . it was a good feeling. Afterwards, I went back to training with Bam, who insisted I try making two rooms of shinsoo, even though I didn't feel like I'd gotten the hang of one yet. Kun didn't join us for training this time, but it wasn't the feeling I'd been dreading before. I was a bit nervous that it would be awkward, but I guess it's actually not that much different from helping him in the kitchen, even though the door is closed.

I asked about Wangnan and Ehwa, and Bam told me how they and Kun had all worked together to save him from FUG during an event called the Workshop Battle. I think he liked talking about them, so I should ask about them in the future. I've been wanting to, but I was worried it would be pushy.

Dinner wasn't quiet as rowdy, but it was still really nice. It was Kun's turn to cook, and I ended up helping him and Bam out a bit. I'm pleased to say that Kun is almost as bad as I am in the kitchen. It's not that he doesn't, theoretically, know what he's doing so much as he gets distracted by other things easily. I guess he just doesn't care about food that much.

Bero Bero sat next to me again; Kun and Endorssi briefly squabbled about who got to sit next to Bam before Endorssi was foiled by the arrival of Yuri.

We ended up doing the dishes together as well, and Kun talked about someone named Rak for a bit. I guess Rak is a small crocodile.

"Well, actually, he's a Wreckraiser," Kun said at one point, "But they're basically a tribe of talking crocodiles."

"Oh, really?" this seemed to be news to Bam, because he perked up immediately, "I didn't know."

"Yeah, I did a little research a while back," Kun said, "While you were sleeping on the second floor. I guess he comes from a place where there are only Wreckraisers and turtles. . . ."

"That explains some things," Bam said, and seemed lost in thought for a moment, before saying, "I hope he's doing well. . . ."

"I'm sure he is," Kun said, "He's strong."

There was something a little forced about it, but honestly, if Kun's stretching his optimism muscles that's probably for the best.

"What do you think he'll call Ms. Min when he meets her?" Bam asked, after a pause. Kun seemed taken aback, and then glanced at me.

". . . I'm not sure," he said, finally, "I can't even guess."

"Does he use nicknames a lot?" I asked, feeling a little lost.

"Yeah," Bam said; he was smiling again, and there was such a good aura around him that I ended up smiling back reflexively, "He calls everyone turtles. Black turtle, blue turtle . . . Curry turtle. . . ."

"That sounds cute!" I said.

Kun laughed, "Don't tell him that to his face."

Bam laughed, too. I felt my heart skip a beat at that, "I don't think he'd mind if it was Ms. Min. She's just like that, right?"

I swear I haven't said anything about cuteness around them, but Kun agreed easily, "Yeah, she's just like that so he might not take it personally after a while. . . ."

Well, I'll have to be careful about saying something like that, I guess. Anyway, we finished washing dishes like that, and Bam and Kun went their separate ways.

Cherry La and Bero Bero were already sleeping when I came back, so I got in bed as quietly as I could, and ended up writing this out. I hope things keep going well, journal. I don't know why, but I feel like. . . things will be okay.

I think it's the first time I've felt this way about myself. Good night, journal.


	5. days 11-13, floor 43

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Tower of God and this isn't fully canon compliant, probably. Also, after this chapter I'm going to stop responding to reviews in the chapter unless they're anonymous reviews, because apparently that's in the TOS. . . .? Whoops. Also, the version of this on ao3 is divided by days and might occasionally update sooner than this version, if anyone's interested! Thank you for reading!

 **AnimeWatcher001:** I'm definitely doing my best to flesh out a lot of things in this arc - most notably, Endorssi and Bam's relationship, though Min isn't always in the right position to sit by making obnoxiously pretentious assumptions about people either . . . . And honestly, I have some concerns about Bam's heart in this relationship as well. . . Thanks for your thought out review! I hope you continue to enjoy, if you're still reading!

 **RikusaNerd:** Thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

Plot actually shows up after this point. . . .

* * *

 **Day. . . 11v2**

I'm losing track; I guess that's what I get for skipping out on writing things down again, but I've been being paranoid, and I didn't want to have to read back over that. But now. . . I don't know if the paranoia's going to go away. I hate having to pretend that I know everything is in my head. . . even when it's just bad dreams. They should be just bad dreams, right?

It's been the last few days - maybe longer. First they were just scattered, vivid pieces - silver hair, silver eyes wrapped in red, a mocking voice saying something I couldn't quite catch. But then they became more cohesive, and I'd wake up from them feeling lethargic and half dead. I think I've been worrying people, too - Bam's been very gentle with me during practice, even though he's had to physically guide me through the process of creating rooms a few times; Kun checks on us frequently, bringing water, asking if we're hungry, and I think he's taken to distracting Bero Bero and Cherry La when I've gone to bed lately. Bero Bero found me some extra blankets, and Cherry La has been walking me through meditation exercises, even though meditating gives me a sick sort of twisting sensation in my gut. I'm afraid of leaving my body behind, unguarded.

"You don't have to leave your body anywhere," she's said, more than once, but that's what it feels like, as though I can't help waking up somewhere else when I close my eyes.

It's always kind of like that when I meditate, but with the strange dreams I've been having, and the ominous feeling that's been hanging over me since they started. . . it's even worse. I actually shouldn't be awake right now, but I can't bring myself to try going back to sleep. . . I thought maybe if I wrote it down, I could puzzle out the meaning later.

The obvious meaning - that someone is dragging my dream self from my body to meet with me in my sleep - should be the kind of thing that only happens in fantasy novels. Unfortunately, lately it seems as though I've been in a fantasy novel. I've been in a situation like this before though, in my own world, where things like this don't happen, so. . . I'm not sure what to think or what to do.

But I'll write it down, and think about it in the morning. I was in a strange room with gray walls and dull brown furniture, sitting in front of that man from before - Hoaqin. He was pouring tea for both of us, though I think it was a wasted effort, because I was bound to the chair, hands and legs tied with white silk.

He carefully set the teapot on the table before he talked to me, and when he did he seemed . . . rather enthusiastic; I got a heavy sense of eagerness from him, as though he'd been presented by a dessert he was very fond of after looking forward to it all day, "Well now. That seems to keep you in place a bit better."

My dream self did not feel particularly alarmed just yet, looking around curiously, as though she were fully aware that none of this was real, but not quite aware that even if it wasn't real, it didn't mean nothing could harm us, "Have we met before?"

Hoaqin's smile was knives over ice, as though I'd offended him, "Only briefly. I believe I have something of yours, but . . . I need to make sure."

That seemed to jolt me awake, but instead of being thrown back to my body, I simply started in place; the silk bindings kept me where I was, and Hoaqin's smile became less tense and offended, and more soothed, as though satisfied with his handiwork.

 _The cat that got the cream_ seems like a very good description.

There was a burning in the pit of my stomach, the kind of burn that causes acid reflex or waking nightmares later, "You can't tell from my face? I didn't think it was quite that common."

He ignored this, taking a sip of his tea and smiling in satisfaction, "I just have some questions. How did she die?"

I didn't need to ask who he was talking about, and for some reason this was incredibly frustrating. I leaned my head back to stare at the ceiling while I tried to calm my angry heart, before turning back to him.

The heat of my stomach was spreading upwards, painful at the core.

"Do you really want to see it?" I asked, and he raised an eyebrow, as though to appear unfazed. I could feel his eagerness though, as though he were salivating.

"Do you think you can show me?" he asked, carefully. I only threw my head back again, laughing - and then all I remember is fire.

I woke up expecting to feel the strange, mental burning that happens sometimes, but all that was left was the lethargy that made it difficult to move my limbs, and left the room spinning around me. My eyelids were heavy, but I couldn't let myself close them, and so I pulled myself into a sitting position and started writing this.

Bero Bero and Cherry La are still asleep, so it must be fairly early, but I still don't feel like going to bed. I haven't done much physical training since Bam started going over shinsoo control with me, so maybe doing that will help.

Then I should talk to Hwa Ryun. If anyone knows how to deal with dreams in this world, it will be her. And I honestly wonder if some things that we should take for granted in my old world can really be relied upon here.

 **Day 12v2**

Bam brought me breakfast, and scolded me, so I had to eat in front of him. . . it's a little embarrassing to eat in front of one person instead of at a table with a group, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. . . .

He hadn't brought any food for himself, because he'd already eaten, but he seemed a bit mad that I'd missed breakfast. I don't know for sure, because I wasn't sure how to ask, but he seemed kind of distant. Then again, he has a lot of stuff going on, so I shouldn't just assume. I know that side of me can be tiring.

Endorssi seemed to want to spend time with him today, but he just told her he was training with me and shut the door. It was . . . unexpectedly rude. I guess he can be like that though - he's really nice and gentle and speaks politely to everyone, but then when he reaches the end of his rope, he becomes really curt.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. He looked at me for a long moment, as though he wasn't sure what to say to that, but then he simply nodded, looking away, and sitting cross-legged in front of me. I was a bit worried that he'd stare at me while I ate, but he seemed content to just prop his chin in one hand and stare a little off to the side instead. Tired, I slumped against the wall.

"Are _you_ okay, Ms. Min?" he asked, after a long silence. I felt my whole body start, as if I was in that dream with Hoaqin again. . . but I wasn't, and Bam had straightened, looking a bit alarmed at my reaction.

"I'm fine," I hurried to say, "I've just been having weird dreams. . . I'll be okay."

He seemed to consider this for a moment, then nodded, slowly, and scooted closer, tapping my plate, "Eat, okay? Then let's do something fun."

"Didn't you tell Endorssi you were training?" I asked, before taking a bite of food because he was staring at me reproachfully.

"This is training," he said, "Since you can't focus if you're stressed out like this, right? So let's . . . go on a walk."

I think Bam and I have very different ideas of fun, but I guess a walk didn't sound too bad. Just not. . . fun. Definitely relaxing, but . . .

I guess he doesn't play games or read or . . . ? No, that's silly. I mean, you can't even really read with other people, and there aren't exactly games in the camp and . . . I'm probably being judgmental. I don't know why that set me on edge the way it did, either. It's like my head couldn't decide if it would be "good" or "bad" to take a walk.

I took another bite to avoid having to say anything, and Bam looked over at the door, as though thinking about something; my head was too foggy to ask what was on his mind though, so I just finished breakfast quickly, and then gathered my plate and things together. Bam stood with me, and we both stopped by the kitchen on our way out of the camping area.

It's not a habit that I'd managed to develop in my world, but washing the dishes immediately after eating was kind of nice. It leaves everything looking much cleaner, and you don't have to worry about whether you have clean dishes before eating.

Bam did a quick once over of me before we headed out, but didn't explain what he was looking for, only smiling and saying, "Are you ready?"

I nodded, and followed him as we headed out of the camp; it was even colder, away from everyone else, and we both kind of walked closer than we would have ordinarily because of it; our shoulders bumped a few times, and we both laughed it off, but . . . ah, I was really nervous. . . .

Bam seemed to have some idea of where he wanted to go, and most of it seemed vaguely familiar. It took me a bit to place it, but I was pretty sure it was the path to the Rice Pot - remembering the Rice Pot reminded me of the bruises Bam had come back with, but he took a turn before we got there, into an empty room with a high, vaulted ceiling.

"This is where I found you," Bam said, while I was looking around; I don't even know how they had managed to put a so much height into the room on a train, but it was probably very large from the outside, "When you were still sleeping."

I looked over towards him, wondering, suddenly, if he'd brought me here with a purpose in mind beyond just relaxing. He walked further into the room looking around himself at the walls and the distant ceiling, so far up that the middle of it wasn't visible in the dark.

"It was a bit brighter," he said, stopping in the middle of the room, several yards away, "There was a door here, made of light - I think it was prettier than the door I came through."

He looked back at me, and smiled, and I could almost see the light of the door he was talking about reflecting in his eyes.

I think my heart caught in my throat. I'm embarrassing like that.

"You were already asleep, and you fell right into my arms," he sounded a little teasing about it, "I was feeling really out of it, that day. I'd just found out that being an Irregular was a lot of responsibility. . . that the people who I was letting help me without anything in return - that I was wrong for letting them do that. It's a little childish, but I'd let them help me and assumed that it was fine that way."

He looked away from me, up at the shadowy ceiling, "I felt like. . . the world had gone kind of gray and dull, like I was just going through the motions. . . like I could only go through the motions. I didn't have any control of my own fate, just the shackles of responsibility that I'd ignored. That I'd told myself I could ignore. I'm not that kid anymore, and I'm glad. But at the time, it was really painful."

I don't think Bam had talked this much to me at once since the day when he'd told me what I needed to know about FUG and Rachel . . . except to explain lessons, and even then he was generally pretty straight to the point and quiet. But now the words just seemed to tumble out of him.

"But then you were there, and you just felt. . . right. Catching you from the doorway, and holding you . . . I felt like it was simple. I knew I should protect you, and I knew I could. It felt like the world was a little more colorful. We're both irregulars. . . I know there's a lot to get used to in this world, and there's a lot that I don't know either . . . but if I can, I want to be there for you. So if something's bothering you, please tell me."

It took me a moment to respond, and he looked back at me, shy and nervous, as though he honestly wanted me to confess my troubles to him.

I wanted to, but I couldn't; the words caught in my throat. Instead, I managed to choke out, "But it's the same for me, isn't it?"

"Huh?" he seemed taken aback, or just lost, as though what I'd said made no sense. Maybe it didn't.

"It's the same," I said, "I also. . . accept favors too easily without paying them back. I let people take care of me without being able to return the favor, and I know this. So I can't let myself keep doing that. I need to be able to take care of other people too, before I let myself be treated like a kid."

I was afraid he'd argue, but he just stared at me, looking confused and very betrayed. I wasn't sure how to respond, or what to do, so I did the only thing that seemed sensible at the time and turned, walking away.

"Wait!"

I don't actually know how quickly Bam came after me; but almost as quickly as he managed to say that, he'd lunged across the room as well, grabbing me from behind; I stumbled, and he steadied me, and I felt brittle, suddenly, as though the room were made of glass and I could fall through the floor of the train at any moment.

Bam exhaled sharply against my ear, his breath warm and shuddering, and he didn't let go, "That's not what I meant!"

"Bam . . . ?"

"Don't leave like. . ." he took a deep, shaky breath, as though that short dash had winded him, "Don't leave like you're the only one who gets to have the last word, okay? Or like I'm going to force you to do something. . . ."

He rested his head against the back of my own, taking another breath; though he seemed calmer, his breath ruffling my hair was not making _me_ feel calm, and I struggled to break free. He let me go, only watching me as I turned to stare at him; both his hands were clenched at his sides, and the way his eyebrows were furrowed made me think he wasn't going to back down.

I crossed my arms over my chest, looking away, "Everything has a price. Even something freely given needs to be repaid, or else people will start to resent you. I can't. . . I can't keep paying that price. I'm already empty. I've never . . . I've never appreciated what I did have until it was too late, and I can't. . . I can't keep being the empty person I was before."

My words weren't making sense to my own ears, but Bam seemed to have relaxed, taking a step forward and reaching out to me.

He didn't say anything, just waited for me to take his hand. It was warm, and soft - though there were traces of calluses that hadn't quite faded yet. From the Rice Pot?

My fingers traced over the mounts of his hand, absentmindedly, and he seemed content to just hold my hand, thinking over what he wanted to say.

"I don't think you're empty," he said, finally; I looked up at him, almost ready to protest, but the look in his eyes was stubborn and unrelenting, and he continued before I could resist them, "I know I don't know you very well yet, but . . . I've seen empty people. I don't think you're like them. I don't think you ever could be . . . there's something about you that's filled with light. Maybe it draws people in, and they expect too much from you. Maybe it's just different from what people expect you to be. But you don't have to be anything they expect. You give back what you can, when you can, and that's enough. I. . ."

He'd averted his eyes, "I like you this way, okay? So don't push yourself too hard trying to be something someone else wants."

It's so unfair having to hear this again.

It's so unfair to keep being told this, and then being all wrong and ruining everything. My hand went slack in his, and he tightened his grip around my fingers, but I couldn't meet his eyes.

"People say that all the time," I said, tired and not wanting to believe that I was going to ruin everything with him too, even though it was the same pattern. The same words, spoken with the same intent and no understanding of just how wrong everything about me is, "But if even a little bit of the real me slips through, it's all over. I'm sorry. Thank you for worrying about me."

"Ms. Min. . ."

I slipped my fingers free of his, turning away, "We should go back. Endorssi wanted to talk to you about something, right? I'm sorry. I don't feel like training today."

It took a moment for Bam to speak, "Okay. . . ."

The walk back was silent; there were no accidental bumps or laughing anything off. I kept a careful distance from Bam, even though my body kept wanting to veer into him, and he did the same. He must have been thinking about things, though, because as we approached the camp, he stopped. I stopped too, glancing back to see the same determined expression as before.

He really is incredibly stubborn. . . .

"Ms. Min. . ." he started, and this time he didn't look away or seem shy at all; he just stared straight at me until I had to look away, "I . . . can understand that you have a lot you need to think about and deal with before you can let me in. I know you might not. . . want me. You might want someone else. But . . . I'll be here. Whenever you change your mind, or when you can't take it anymore. Even if you can't explain or show your real self, I'll be here."

He brushed past me, and I looked up, watching his back as he headed into the camp, "So get some rest for now, okay? I'll be with Ms. Endorssi and Mr. Kun if you need me."

Pausing in the entrance of the hallway his group had claimed, he gave me a slow, sad smile, "I know you probably won't change your mind that quickly, but that's where I'll be."

Then he went inside. I came in here and wrote this down while Bero Bero and Cherry La are out. I'm still not sure I want to sleep, but I was able to rustle up some pens, and I drew a ward on my hand, so that makes me feel a bit safer at least. . . .

Though, if Hoaqin really is getting into my dreams, I don't think a weak sigil like that would be enough to keep him out.

 **Day 13v2**

I ended up sleeping through lunch and dinner, waking only to a somewhat earnest rapping on my door. It was not Bam - I'm not sure if I was relieved or disappointed - but rather Bero Bero and Cherry La, both looking a little worried.

Bero Bero seemed to relax when she saw me though, "Are you feeling any better? You slept all day."

I nodded; like Bam had earlier, they both drifted in, waiting for me to finish eating before anything else. It was a little less nerve wracking eating in front of them - I don't have to worry so much about making a bad impression.

I know it's silly to worry about impressing Bam when he's already got Endorssi and Yuri fighting over him, but still. . . Thinking about it like that isn't what comes to mind first. It's more like, "Ah, he'd be horrified to know that I like him."

I don't know why I'm like this. I know I wasn't raised well, but . . . it still seems a little extreme to think this way all the time. To always assume that knowing I wanted to be around someone would make them feel violated. Friends, coworkers, lovers. . . I feel like a toxin that pollutes them all, that they're just sacrificing themselves for the hope of redeeming me. But I can't be redeemed.

I missed Bam; it was stupid - Bero Bero and Cherry La were both there. I wasn't alone, and I'd been the one to want space earlier. But now I just wanted to see him again.

Bero Bero seemed to notice my mood - but it wasn't until Cherry La seemed to have drifted out of the conversation for good that she broached the topic.

"Do you miss Bam?" she asked, "You two have been pretty close this whole time . . ."

"It's good to spend time with you and Cherry La too," I said; it wasn't a lie, either. I did miss Bam, but I was relieved that Bero Bero and Cherry La seemed willing to sit with me while I ate. Unlike earlier, now that I'd finished the empty plate was just sitting in my lap, because I didn't want to ruin the moment.

Stupid, contradictory feelings. It's because my moon and sun signs don't get along. I'm happy and relieved to be with those who are beside me, but my heart keeps longing for people who are gone.

Bero Bero seemed to consider this, looking over at Cherry La, " . . . Honestly, this is the closest I've been to her since we were travelling together. She's always sleeping, so with our old team we just . . . didn't really ever have reason to talk."

Bero Bero drew her knees up to her chest; suddenly, she looked vulnerable and sad, and I wanted to reach out. I think it really does bother her that so many people will be going to the floor of death without her, "But we seem close, right? Since we're both from the same team. . . ."

"You do seem pretty close," I agreed, "But. . . that doesn't have to define your relationship. You don't have to force yourself to cling on to someone or to let go of someone based on the past. Just do what feels natural."

. . . I'm a complete hypocrite for saying that. Back in my world, I cling on to people out of obligation, and let go of them out of obligation, and then cry about it on the internet. But even if I'm a hypocrite, if it's something that can help someone by being said, I wanted to say it.

Even if it's lying, I want to provide comfort, "Your relationship with Cherry La doesn't have to be defined by other people. If you say you're not close, you're not close. And even if you're not close, it doesn't mean you can't grow close. . . I'm not making much sense, sorry."

"No, I appreciate it," Bero Bero gave me a tentative smile, then looked back at her knees, "I'm just worried, I guess. That she won't come back, or that she'll go on without me. I'm scared that I don't matter to her, or that she doesn't really. . . "

She trailed off, but I felt like I knew what she was avoiding saying, "Yeah, I can understand. But all you can really act on is what you know now, and what you feel now. If you end up being wrong about it later, you can deal with that then. . . but that's a burden for your future self to deal with, right?"

I reached down, tracing my thumb over the edge of my plate, "You're here to deal with what's on your plate right now. Tomorrow's dinner can wait until tomorrow."

"You say the weirdest things," Bero Bero said, "Though thinking of dinner makes me hungry again. . . "

I was quiet as she leaned over the side of her bed to dig through and pull out a large lollipop, "Do you want one?"

"No thank you," I replied, "Maybe later."

I don't think Bero Bero offers her candy to just anyone, so I felt a little bad about refusing, but . . . I wasn't sure I could stay awake long enough to finish it, and I knew how it would end if I tried to make myself anyway.

She seemed pretty content to keep her candy to herself though; maybe she only offered out of politeness. For a while, she munched on that, watching Cherry La as she drifted. . . .actually, part of the reason I was able to fit into this room so easily is because Cherry La pretty much never uses the bed. She stays propped on her lighthouse, drifting around the room and occasionally bumping into the walls gently, like an errant balloon.

"I hope you guys aren't gone for too long though," Bero Bero grumbled around her sucker, "I don't want to sleep in the dark. . . . "

"Yeah," I agreed. I'm afraid of the dark, so I'm used to sleeping with a night light and glow in the dark stars at home. . . plus, I live in town limits, so it's not as dark as my childhood home was. But I imagine sleeping in the complete dark of the hell train would be terrifying, even if one wasn't already afraid of the dark, "Hopefully it won't be too long. . . how long was everyone at the Name Hunt Station?"

Bero Bero shrugged, "Just a couple of days. Though . . . If the train moves on before they finish with what they're doing, you'll all be in trouble. . . getting trapped on the Floor of Death wouldn't be good."

"It does sound pretty ominous," I had to pause to yawn, though, and so I swung my legs out of the bed, picking my plate up, "I should wash my dishes."

"Sounds like a good idea," Bero Bero agreed, "Thanks for talking to me."

"Yeah! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful," I paused at the doorway, not wanting to cut her off if she had something to say, though that did really seem to be all, ". . . Thanks for taking care of me so much."

After I washed my dishes, Bero Bero had already gone to sleep, so I spent some time writing this out, but now I'm starting to get sleepy. I don't want to sleep now, though. . . I just have a bad feeling about it. What I really want to do is talk to Bam, but that's dumb. He's probably asleep too - my pocket says it's almost midnight. I just. . . feel like if I was with him I'd be able to sleep. I don't know why.

Is this what it feels like to be in love with someone. . . ? But I'm not the sort of person who feels love. Infatuation, maybe desire. . . but not love. I don't even really know how to handle physical contact. At the end of the day, I'm exhausted from people touching me, and no one knows what I mean. It's the same here, too, though, I think people are picking up on it. . . and then, because I can never be happy with anything, I just end up missing it.

I'm a creepy person. . . I should stop writing so much before I regret it.

 **Day 13 floor 43**

The dream started with a hallway; I don't think he was really in control of it this time, if, indeed, he's really doing something to fuck with my head and it's not just my paranoia. I'm not sure where the hallway was, but it rumbled occasionally, as though we were still on the hell train.

He was standing on the other end of the hallway, but when he saw me, looking over his shoulder and highlighted by moonlight, he turned walking away quickly.

I don't know why I chased him; my dream self hadn't become aware enough to fight the dream yet; I started running after him down the hallway though, and as I ran, one by one, windows appeared beside me; as I approached them, though, they'd snap closed, as though someone was flicking giant shutters on and off.

The room I followed him into was filled with mirrors; neither of our faces were reflected within them, though. A boy with a very pristine "school boy" appearance was in one; a younger girl with short hair and a teddy in her arms in another; then a shadowy man I couldn't quite look at properly, other than to feel vaguely threatened just by his appearance.

The other mirrors were like that man, too - just teeming hordes of vengeful spirits, locked behind glass. I could hear their cries up my legs through the mirrored floor, too. Clamoring, clamoring - I think I almost woke right then and there from the noise, but Hoaqin was looking at me, with a strange, sardonic expression.

"So you really only have the one soul after all," he said, and reached up to tap his temple, "This damn woman - she's so bossy. Tell her this, tell her that. She thinks that just because I pulled her out of your body that I owe the both of you some sort of favor."

"No, she's just like that no matter what you do," I interrupted him without thinking; I think this is when I became more lucid, though I still didn't have full control over myself - the words out of my mouth were strange, obeying a logic I didn't fully understand.

Though, I mean, now that I am awake they make perfect sense. The person I believe myself to be reincarnated from is definitely the bossy sort. I'm surprised if she hasn't demanded Hoaqin pray or say grace.

Not that I have that problem, but he needs some kind of salvation. Not that praying or saying grace would be a problem itself, so much as. . . I don't have a voice in the back of my head telling me to do these things. This lifetime of mine isn't devoted to anything grand or ambitious. I'm only meant to heal. I have a lot more leniency than I should, and yet I take full advantage of it.

I need to work harder. . . .

Hoaqin seemed to consider my words, and came to a terrifying conclusion, "Why don't we make a deal?"

This is where I woke up, his voice still ringing in my ears, as loud as though they were actually hovering in the room. It's only about two in the morning, but I can't bring myself to go to sleep. I moved out of my room with Bero Bero and made some tea in the dining room, but . . . I don't want to interrupt Bam or Hwa Ryun.

I shouldn't even be thinking of interrupting Bam. I know myself. When I get attached to someone I only focus on them and act as though they're meant to solve all of my problems. I need to be better about that.

I need to solve my problems myself. That means. . . I should probably. . . Find a way to meet Hoaqin in the real world, and see if I can investigate this. If it's in the real world, I'll know for sure that I'm not making it up. . . I hope.

Not unbelievably, that prospect fills me with dread. . . .

 **Later, Day 13 Floor 43**

I haven't left. Bam found me sleeping at the breakfast table, though, and made me help him with making breakfast. It was kind of fun, and I think I'm getting more confident. He complimented me today.

"You're a really fast learner," were his exact words, so it wasn't anything too sentimental or anything, but it still felt good. Compliments don't really stick well with me, so maybe writing it down is good, too.

I'm not sure how to feel about him calling me "Ms. Sleepyhead" the whole morning though. I'll have to see if he does things like that with Kun, first.

Still, I couldn't resist asking him about dreams, here. He was finishing up the first batch of coffee - he had two cups of coffee today. I'm not sure if that's how he usually does it when he makes breakfast, though, because he normally has one with the rest of the food, too, and the one he made while we were cooking seemed to be extra - anyway, he was finishing up the first batch of coffee and pouring himself a cup when I managed to ask, "Do dreams mean anything here?"

He blinked at me, raising his cup to his lips - I hadn't seen him drink his coffee black, yet, but he didn't seem to mind the taste that way either, taking a sip before responding, "What do you mean?"

"Like. . . can people do things with them other than just having them, I guess?" I wasn't sure how to phrase it exactly, without coming to the matter at hand, and that seemed really embarrassing.

Especially given . . . the last dream I'd had. It's not that I'm afraid of him thinking that I have a crush on Hoaqin, or what Hoaqin somehow. . . except that's kind of exactly what I'm afraid of. Before I dated my ex, I had a dream about him sticking his hand down my pants - and it was bad enough that I woke up in a panic - and the only people I asked about it told me that it was probably just because I'd liked him and was growing closer to him. I don't want the same situation to repeat. Plus, I had a few weird dreams about someone I didn't know well before I got here, so it's not like the kind of dreams I'm having about Hoaqin _aren't_ something my mind might produce on it's own.

Dreams are a bit of a weird topic for me to begin with. . . I guess I just don't want to be forced into anything again, "Like, could someone use my dreams to interrogate me?"

"I don't know. . . ." Bam's eyes were wide, and there was just something about him that made me want to tell him everything. Not because I thought he could help, but because I just wanted to not be alone anymore; I snipped those thoughts off as quickly as I could, staring at the table between; Bam watched me over his cup of coffee, ". . . Maybe if you asked Ms. Hwa Ryun?"

". . . Maybe," somehow, asking Hwa Ryun seemed even more intimidating. I feel like I'd end up walking whatever path she wanted for me anyway, though, so at the same time it was more inevitable than something that I could do anything about.

Bam reached over the table, taking my hand in his. I jumped, looking up at him quickly, and he let go as though he'd been burnt.

"Sorry. . ." he said, setting his cup down with his other hand, and looking away sheepishly. I also had to look away, struggling to find the words to explain that it was just me. It wasn't him, he hadn't done anything wrong.

". . . Do you . . . not like being touched?" he asked after a moment. I shook my head, still unable to meet his gaze - so I wasn't sure if he looked at me for my answer.

"No," I mumbled, "I don't know how to handle it. What people mean when they touch me, or what their hidden motives are. I never . . .get to choose to be touched. It only happens when other people want it to. That's what it feels like. I know it's not. . .actually how it is. Some people really don't mean anything by it, and if I wanted to I guess I could. . ask? Or something like that."

"It's not because of me?" Bam asked, tentatively. I shook my head, and heard him breathe a sigh of relief.

"Bam. . ." I started, and then stopped, taking a deep breath so I could face him, "I don't think there's a single person on this train who would hold a grudge against you."

"There are a few," he didn't meet my gaze while he said this, "Rachel, and Ms. Yura and Mr. White."

I'm glad he wasn't looking at me, because that way he missed the way I physically recoiled at the mention of Hoaqin.

"Ms. Endorssi was mad at me for a while, too," he added. This kind of confused me, but now he just seemed kind of sad, staring down at his coffee with a distant smile, mulling things over.

"No way?" I said, because I hadn't seen Endorssi do anything except cling onto him and scold me for getting in the way. Or for existing the way I do, though that part is still a secret.

"She was!" he seemed more amused by this than anything, now, though, and from the sounds of it it was just a Name Hunt Station exclusive, "She said I was too ambiguous, and used Bong Bong to teleport on me and attack me over it too. . . though for her it was life or death."

". . . Isn't she in love with you?" I asked, tentatively. I suppose I'm really not an expert, but that doesn't seem like the way you should treat someone you're in love with. Bam nodded, resting cheek in his hand now.

"She says that," he said, "But . . . I don't think it would last, even if I liked her back. I think she's more in love with the idea of danger than with me."

"Danger. . . ?" Bam gave me an apologetic smile when I asked.

"This was confusing for me too at first," he said, "Princesses of Jahad aren't allowed to date, or have relationships with men. . . . They're given the power of the king of the tower, and it's too dangerous to risk it passing on unchecked, I guess. Ms. Endorssi and Yuri are . . .very strong people."

"I see. . ." I replied, "So she's in love with you because she wants to rebel?"

He smiled, "Maybe. And . . . if she was going to pick someone to rebel with, I'd be a good choice. Since I was a Slayer candidate . . . ."

I nodded. Bam stared at his coffee, before taking another sip, staring at me over the cup. I had to look away again.

"She liked me before that, though," he added, "She asked me on a date, too. . . but we did that, so it shouldn't still be holding us back, right?"

". . . I don't think she considers it being held back if she still likes you," I offered, "And even if it was holding you back, it's your decision whether you want to go on a date with someone else or not, you know? Dating is something where you have to be careful to take responsibility!"

I may have sounded a little harsh, but he just laughed a little, setting his cup down, "That's true. But . . . right now I just don't want to think about it."

He continued smiling at me, as though he was in his own world, and I looked away awkwardly. There was a small pause, and when he spoke again, he seemed more somber, "Ms. Min. . . Will you stay with me?"

I looked up, and he was staring at me intently, steam drifting up from his coffee cup, "What?"

"Will you stay with me?" he asked again, "I know I probably sound really irresponsible right now, but . . . I'll protect you. I know things will get really dangerous, but . . . I'd like it if you were there."

It was such a strange question; I didn't want to think of why he'd asked it, "I mean, I don't mind staying. But. . . do you mean after the floor of death. . . ?"

"Yeah," now he looked down into his coffee, seeming shy and nervous. I reached up, covering my own mouth. I'm not sure why - I suddenly just felt embarrassed, and had to look away.

"I can try," I said, "But if Yuri wants me to go back to the first floor. . . I do think I'd need to be responsible and do that, okay?"

"Okay," he seemed content with that, and when I looked back over at him, he was beaming. I felt my stomach flip, and hurried to stand. I don't know what I was planning on doing - but he reached out as I passed him, catching my sleeve in his fingers and looking up at me earnestly again.

"Thank you, Ms. Sleepyhead," he said, "I know it was just for a little bit, but thanks for talking to me."

I stared at him for a moment, and then, despite my complaining about never getting to choose to touch people, I reached out, pinching his cheeks with my fingers. He made a strange startled sound, between a shout and a gasp, and then quickly ended up ducking his head, smiling. His cheeks were quickly turning red though, warm against my fingertips.

It was kind of a weird feeling. I didn't want to let go, but I forced myself to, tapping his forehead gently, "I talk to you a lot."

Someone cleared their throat from the doorway. Bam and I both started, and I spun around to look at Boro almost guiltily.

"Don't mind me," he said, "I just came for a cup of coffee. . . though it smells like breakfast is ready already?"

"I was kind of restless," Bam replied, reaching back to rub the back of his head, "So I ended up preparing it too early. . . . But the coffee is ready too."

This certainly seemed to please Boro; he bustled about the kitchen, and, with absolutely nothing to do, I slowly sank down next to Bam, as though if I acted carefully I would not get caught doing anything.

Bam gave me a sheepish look, but it quickly turned into another happy smile - he covered this up by taking a sip of coffee.

Boro slowly settled across from us, "Well, you two are both up early."

"I woke Ms. Min up," Bam said, sounding cheerful. Boro raised an eyebrow, glancing over at me.

A sudden flash of intuition occurred to me, though, and I took the opportunity, "Boro. . . do you know if people can mess with other people's dreams, here?"

Boro seemed taken aback, and considered this, "Hmm. . . Have you been having strange dreams?"

I nodded, glancing at Bam nervously, then staring down at my hands. I almost wished I drank coffee - "I dreamt. . . that I was sitting across from Hoaqin, and he wanted to know how . . . I'd died in my past life, I guess. That's the simplest way to put it. Then last night I dreamed he was in a hallway surrounded by mirrors, and he said something about my only having the one soul after all, and that we should make a deal. . . ."

Boro blanched when I mentioned the deal, as though the very prospect was enough to make him sick. He settled his cup onto the table, "I hope you didn't take him up on that. I don't know of any ways to take advantage of a person's dreams that way, but Hoaqin is a master of all sorts of profane arts - and if he has a part of your soul . . ."

This seemed to trouble him, "I'm sorry. I don't know enough about these things. . . Maybe if you asked Sachi he might be able to help you."

I nodded. Bam scooted a little closer to me, but before he could really say anything, Boro cleared his throat, "However. . . Is there anything you might be able to tell us that could help? Anything you noticed about him in the dreams?"

I considered this; Bam watched me anxiously, whatever he'd been about to say gone.

"No. . ." I said finally; over Boro's shoulder, when I looked up, I saw Kun entering the room, still yawning, "I could try to find out, though."

"You don't have to. . ." Bam said, hesitantly, "If it's dangerous. . . ."

I gave him a reassuring smile, "It's just dreams. Worst case scenario, he catches on and leads us around in circles. . . assuming anything is even going on."

"What's going on?" Kun asked, sitting down next to Boro and . . . kind of sprawling, I guess, as though he was completely at ease and in charge of the conversation. I guess it's kind of a classic bad boy sprawl?

Bam and Kun would do a killer job at good cop bad cop, in all honesty.

"Min's been having strange dreams about Hoaqin," Boro said; Kun looked like he wanted to say something clever, but something about Boro's tone shut him down too quickly, and he simply focused an intense, dangerous stare on me.

I slunk down, resting my head in my arms on the table, as Boro continued, "We think he might be using her soul to reach into her mind somehow."

"So you're planning on turning that around on him?" Kun asked; he seemed pleased with this idea, "Well, aren't you sneaky."

"It was Boro's idea," I mumbled into my arms; Kun laughed.

"Seriously, though, why is everyone up already?" he asked, "Breakfast doesn't require that much preparation. The train does most of that already."

"It's nice to cook, though," Bam replied; he still seemed a little distant suddenly, as though he were embarrassed, and I nudged his foot with mine under the table.

He flashed me a quick, reassuring smile. He really is reliable. I want to be someone he can rely on too!

No. . . maybe that's being dishonest. The truth is, I always want to see him smile again even more afterwards, but I'm afraid of forcing him to pretend he's happy when he's not. I'm an easy person to be around because I'm like this. . . .

I'm scared of myself. Especially because. . .

"Um, in case it's dangerous. . ." Bam asked, a moment later; Kun seemed content with the conversation moving back to what it had been before, now that his question had been answered, and he exchanged quick pleasantries with Boro, "Would you like to spend the night with Mr. Kun and myself?"

Kun agreed to this before I could protest ("That's a great idea! We can move her bed this afternoon!"); I got the feeling that he wasn't particularly worried so much as eager for . . . well, I guess whatever Boro's plan would reveal. I wasn't sure how to say no that early in the morning, and I buried my face into my arms again before responding.

"Hey, now, is it really okay for a couple of guys to push a lady into their room like this?" Boro spoke up on my behalf, seeming more amused than worried as well, "I know I was the one who mentioned things could get dangerous, but it seems like Kun shouldn't be the one making this decision."

This seemed to catch Kun in a bit of a bind. He had the decency to look embarrassed for half a moment, before he said quickly, "You're right, my bad. I've just been so worried about going up against Hoaqin on the floor of death. . ."

"No, you're not," Bam mumbled, but there was something affectionate about the way he said it, like he was used to this. Or maybe that's what I'm telling myself. I don't want to come between two people who are close friends. . . .

He turned to me, "You don't have to decide right away, okay, Ms. Min? Just let us know by lunch so we can move things around."

". . .No, I'm okay with it," I'm still not sure if I ended up saying this because I felt pressured by everyone else, or because I was genuinely okay with it at the time. And even though I'm still not sure it's appropriate, I don't like the idea of facing off against Hoaqin alone.

But Bero Bero and Cherry La both sleep in the same room with me too, so it's really silly to go through these many weird hurdles.

"I don't want to move my bed and everything, though," I continued, "I can sleep on the floor - I'd like it if it was only for a day or so. . . ."

"Hmm. . ." Kun considered this for a moment, and then in the tone he used whenever he was trying to coax Boro into something, "Of course. We'll see how things go, and if everything's fine, it might just be for tonight."

That sounds nice. I do have some reservations about the way he said it, but I can be much more stubborn than he is. Well, in all honesty, I'm pretty weak willed, but . . .this is serious enough, right? A girl shouldn't be sleeping in the same room as a bunch of guys.

Besides, Endorssi didn't take it well at lunch at all.

In any case, breakfast was pretty quiet - I think most people ended up taking it in shifts. It was a bit of a strange day, as though the energy from the floor of death was seeping into the train, leaving everyone unsettled and reclusive. Bam disappeared shortly after breakfast. He asked if I wanted to train, but when I declined he just smiled and left. There was something kind of fake about his smile, so I think I may have disappointed him a little.

Kun spent most of the day morning going over battle plans with Sachi and Boro. They seemed to have some concerns over Hockney, but I didn't stick around for it. I don't know why, but hearing that he was suspicious really bothered me. I guess maybe I'm being a little irrational, though. I probably should have stuck around.

Lunch was sort of the same way. I peaked around the kitchen beforehand, but Bam wasn't there. It seemed like Endorssi was in charge of food too, because when I cam back for actual food, it was all packaged snacks and such. . . . .

I think Endorssi and Bam were spending time together this afternoon though, which is good. I don't know why I went looking for him earlier. I know I need to be alone right now, but I'm just worried. About being forgotten? Or being too cold. . . .?

All my thoughts just get jumbled up in my head. In any case, though, I really want to take a nap - but I'm worried I won't be able to sleep if I do, so maybe I should train some? Then after that I guess I'll get ready for spending the night in Bam and Kun's room. I haven't told Bero Bero yet either. . . .

 **Day 13, Floor 43 (again)**

I fell asleep in the training room; Bam found me there this evening. Apparently, when I was late for dinner everyone started freaking out and there was a search party, but it appears Hoaqin just decided on a nap and took me down with him.

In my case, I sat down for a break, because my body was feeling heavy and I couldn't stop yawning and I'm weak willed - and then the next moment I was practicing again, in white robes. My body was still very tired, but I pushed through it to practice the same strike over and over again.

It seemed to be something Black hadn't taught me, but if I were to try replicating the move now I don't think I could do it, either. Gradually, I became aware the Hoaqin was leaning in the doorway, his hand tucked out of view - and yet I could feel it still burning.

"You tried something, didn't you?" I asked him. He gave me a crooked sneer, as though he were trying to be devil-may-care charming but was too used to condescending people to actually manage it, and held out his hand.

"You mean this?" he asked, and looked it over, almost admiringly, "Yes, you do seem to have some tricks up your sleeve, don't you?"

He pushed himself off the doorway; and suddenly it wasn't just us in the training hall, but tens or hundreds of people going through the same motions, reflecting each other into an army - and yet, no one else made any sound, except for us.

"Does your family haunt you still?" I asked, and his mouth twitched, crooking itself into an unpleasant shape that wasn't quite a frown.

"You're like that blond pipsqueak who keeps hanging around Rachel," he murmured, and leaned in close to be as intimidating as possible. I stood my ground, holding my breath so I wouldn't have to breathe him in, and staring at him as defiantly as I could muster, "Always asking the wrong questions. Does it matter what they do to me if I can do whatever I want to you?"

In some way, I think what he said was true. I mean, here I was dreaming about him in the middle of the day. And yet. . . .

"Perhaps you're the one asking the wrong questions,"I replied, "To make peace with ghosts you need to understand them."

He laughed, and the very sound of it made my body tense, made me want to lash out and fight; I forced myself to be still, to pretend tranquility even if I didn't feel it.

Once he'd satisfied himself, though, he patted me on the head, and this time his smile was almost affectionate - if affectionate also meant threatening, "I suppose you are the expert on ghosts, aren't you?"

Now he leaned in close, breathing deeply before he spoke, clearly relishing my refusal to move - which was starting to feel less like defiance and more like playing right into his hands, for that matter - "Aren't you just as haunted by your past as I am by mine? Riddled with memories you can't recall, feelings you don't understand? Aren't you made of ghosts, little saint?"

I slapped him.

It was a good, satisfying sensation too, unlike other times when I've held myself in check or not been able to get a good blow in. My nails dug in at the last second too, so that there were angry red lines over his skin, that quickly began to bleed.

He seemed a bit shocked, reaching up to touch the deep scratches I'd left behind as though he couldn't believe I'd done that.

"You really have no respect for other people, do you?" he demanded, as though my bad temper in my past life told him anything about myself.

Well, I suppose he does seem to know more than I would like. . . . What is that woman telling him. . .?

Before I could say anything in response to him, though, the whole room we were in shook; suddenly there was the sound of discordant music, overwhelmingly loud, as though I'd been trapped inside of a broken music box the entire time, and then I was waking up in Bam's arms, too disoriented to do anything other than grab at him and bury my face in his shirt.

"Ms. Min," I heard him say, "Ms. Min, are you alright?"

I forced myself to nod, but the world still felt like it was spinning; this was, I realized slowly, not entirely because of the dream and whatever sleeping curse Hoaqin may or may not have placed me under, but also because Bam was carrying me at a very brisk pace. He hadn't shaken me awake or anything - evidently, he had simply picked me up and was now cradling me in his arms.

I got the impression of something being much nicer than something else, but I wasn't sure I could make much sense of anything, and whatever I mumbled didn't make it far enough away from Bam's shoulder to be audible.

That is to say, I don't think I managed to pull my face away from his shirt long enough to say anything until he'd deposited me on his bed.

"I'm going to get Yuri," he told me, earnestly, "She and Mr. Evan. . . ."

"It was Hoaqin," I croaked out; I probably sounded a bit delirious, because Bam hovered there for a moment longer, before reaching down to push my hair out of my eyes and giving me a strange, worried smile.

He left the room a moment later; I only vaguely heard the door close before I was pulled into darkness - this time, mercifully, without any dreams of any sort. But he was there when I woke up.

The room was dark, and I wasn't really sure when I slipped from unconsciousness to wakefulness, but I slowly became aware of the sound of breathing. This probably would have frightened me back home - but I've gotten used to sleeping in a room with other people since I got here, and it was actually kind of comforting.

I curled up against him without really thinking about it, until he made a startled, choking sound, and the light of Kun's lighthouse immediately snapped on.

"Ms. Min?!" Bam was demanding; I'd frozen up, still nestled against him and unable to really process the situation. Bam's hand gently found it's way to my shoulder, and someone that made it possible for me to relax. I scooted away from him, carefully.

"Sorry," I mumbled. The light in the room got brighter, and someone's weight suddenly shifted the mattress of the bed.

"What are you two doing?" Kun's voice asked, sounding cranky, "Bam, you're not in bed yet?"

"I wasn't sleepy," Bam said; he shifted, allowing me the room to sit up, and then he followed suit when I did.

". . .You can't just sleep in the same bed as a girl like that," Kun sounded pained as he said that, "Endorssi will kill me if she finds out about this."

". . . She'd probably kill me first, honestly," Bam replied, good-naturedly; I gave them both suspicious glances. It was a bit soon after waking up, but honestly. . . .

"Anyway," Bam continued, "I wasn't sleeping. I was just laying there, so it should be fine, right?"

He glanced at me for confirmation and I looked away quickly, not sure how to respond. I think my cheeks were heating up - they did that crawling thing they do when I'm embarrassed.

Kun didn't seem to know how to respond either, so in the face of our mutual silence, Bam ended up rushing to fill in the blanks, "I mean, since we're supposed to be watching for Mr. White to do anything bad anyway. . . it's better if we watch closely, right? You dreamt about him this afternoon, right, Ms. Min?"

". . . Yeah," I agreed, "But not just now."

"What about earlier?" Kun suddenly seemed much more attentive, leaning in so he could peer at my face, "What did you dream?"

"Um. . ." I considered this, "I slapped him. He said something. . . ."

The memories of the dream came flooding back, and I felt myself flushing more painfully, "He called me something I didn't appreciate. So I slapped him. But before that. . ."

I recounted the dream as best as I was able to, and Kun and Bam both seemed to consider my words intently.

"Do you think it's him?" Kun asked Bam after a moment of silence; Bam nodded slowly.

"Yeah," he agreed, "I think it might be. Ms. Min - the next time you can, can you find out if Mr. White was talking about Mr. Wangnan?"

"Yeah," I said, "I'll do my best!"

I guess. . . I'm a little stunned. I really didn't expect to be able to find out anything useful for them at all. When Kun asked a moment later about any other dreams I'd had, I was a lot more at ease going over them - though we haven't been able to find out anything other than that the mysterious Wangnan might be with Hoaqin and Rachel. Kun and Bam both seemed a little pleased to hear about Hoaqin's burnt hand.

"It serves him right," Kun said cheerfully, and Bam nodded in agreement, looking somewhat severe.

"I'm glad you won't be in as much danger this way," he added. Though, for reasons I can't really point out . . . it seems more personal to him than that. I guess Hoaqin has killed people important to him, though, and Black said he was a really bad person who's hurt a lot of people.

Thinking about that makes me want to hold Bam . . . he's lying next to me, too, so that doesn't help - though I think he really is starting to fall asleep. His breathing is evening out, and it's a little embarrassing.

He asked if he could still sleep next to me, and I said yes without thinking, but now that Kun's sleeping alone on the floor, I feel kind of bad. . . .

I'll have to make sure and bring lots of blankets if I do this again, but I think after tonight it should be fine.

That said though - it seems like Bam and Kun are both sleeping in their day clothes. I hope I wasn't causing them a huge bother by being in the room when they were going to change or something. . . .

I should get some more sleep for now though. Still, I'm glad if I could help a little bit. Good night, journal.

\- I'm gonna see if Kun wants to share the bed though. It shouldn't be too weird if there's three people, right? Bam could sleep in the middle. That's a good idea.


	6. days through 14, floor 43

**Day fourteen, floor 43**

Note for the future: waking up Kun in the middle of the night is not only a bad idea, but blatantly unsafe.

Bam had already drifted off to sleep by the time I turned my pocket out, and he sleeps pretty deeply. I was a bit afraid of waking him up on accident, but wriggling to the edge of the bed didn't do anything of the sort.

He's really cute when he sleeps though. I mean, he's cute all the time, but his sleeping face is cozy.

Kun, on the other hand, is not only a light sleeper, but apparently he sleeps armed; I'd leaned over to side and reached out, and as soon as my hand touched his shoulder, before I could even say his name, he reached up, hand twisting around to grab my elbow, and then flipped me off the bed, over his head, and onto the floor. The air was knocked from my lungs completely and I didn't even have the time to realize _no, my back wasn't broken it was just the lack of air_ , before he was straddling me, a knife to my throat.

"Could you refresh my memory?" he asked, as though it was perfectly reasonable position to find oneself in after midnight, "What was it you had to say after watching us take our test on the thirty ninth floor?"

"Was that. . . the day I woke up?" I asked, hesitantly, "Um. . . ."

He didn't move the knife while I thought, though he seemed quite prepared to, and I definitely felt quite aware of it.

"I told you to be more careful. . . ?" I offered, "No! I told Bam to be more careful, and thanked you for being careful."

There was another moment while he evaluated this, and then he rolled off of me, "Alright, pass. I guess Hoaqin hasn't gotten to you yet."

"Were you expecting him to possess me?" I cried, and then realized I wasn't trying to wake Bam up, and quickly covered my mouth.

Kun glanced over at me, though it was difficult to make out his movement in the dark of the room, "We did say it would be dangerous, didn't we?"

"Possession is my weakness," I said, "I can't handle things about possession. Please let me forget you ever said that."

He chuckled, already wrapping himself back up in his blankets.

"Wait," I said, "Do you, um. Do you really want to be sleeping on the floor? You'd probably fit on the bed. . . ."

"Are you really planning on switching places with me?" Kun asked lightly, "I think Bam would be mad."

There was something about the way he said that. . . . Not bitter, but resigned, like digging your nails into an old wound without realizing it.

"Pocket, nightlight mode," I said, quietly; obediently, my pocket lit up in a pale pink glow, dim enough not to wake the only person in the room who was still sleeping.

"Do you want to talk?" I asked, "Just for a little bit. I can't sleep."

I think he would have refused me if I hadn't put it that way; I was afraid he would see it as invasive, and so I lied about my intentions. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do. . . but there was that suffocating feeling again, and Kun thought about it for a moment, before sighing.

"I'll see if I can stay awake," he said, "What do you want to talk about?"

"How did you meet Bam?"

There was silence again. Kun stared at the ceiling. I was about to retract the question and apologize when he answered, "On the floor of tests. We were teammates for about a year before FUG took him and faked his death. Then we were reunited a little over a year ago, and separated for a year after that for strategy purposes. I really. . . haven't been by his side that much. I want to be, but . . . I can't always do things for him if I stay close to him. Even with everything going on, it's nice to be on the Hell Train with him, at least."

He looked at me, not turning his head but just out the corner of his eye, and asked, "That's what you wanted to talk about, isn't it? You could have gotten away with it if you'd been a little more patient. I almost didn't notice."

"I didn't want to lie," I replied, "But . . . It seems like giving up your friend is a lot harder of something to be okay with than giving up a bed."

"You murdered that sentence," Kun said, lightly, "I think I understood what you were trying to say, but that sentence is not coming back."

I rolled my pocket at him, gently; he rolled it back, and his lips quirked up in a smile.

"I'll tell you, though," he said, "The whole thing. Just give me a bit to sort out my thoughts."

I expected this to mean that I would hear from him in a few days - after all, Bam still hasn't told me exactly why he keeps staying beside me. Or maybe he has - maybe it is just as simple as that he feels responsible for me, and I'm just looking for reasons not to run away.

But Kun seemed to have been dwelling on things for long enough that he only took a few moments, "You kind of remind me of him."

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I just stayed quiet, and let Kun talk, "I thought I'd like that about you, but I don't. I don't know how many more people I can care about like this, and I don't want to care about anyone like this anymore. Bam is enough. Maria was enough. I don't want to get close to people like you anymore. People I'll end up throwing everything away for because you're so good, and I'm so bad."

"How are you bad?"

Kun closed his eyes at this, as though he were in familiar territory, grounding that made him feel secure, "Everyone in my family is bad. We're dangerous, conniving backstabbers. We even betray our own."

He turned to me, using his most charming smile as though he was afraid I wouldn't see how terrible this was if he didn't show how hard he was trying to survive it, "My dad has lots and lots of wives, and they have lots and lots of children. He doesn't care about us, but his wives all get competitive, and somehow they started thinking that they could get his attention if they had the best kids.

"So they competed, and then someone came up with the official fights . . . now every year in my family, the year you turn ten years old, you have to fight everyone else in the same year. It's bloody, and ruthless and inhuman, and father doesn't even care about it. It's all for the satisfaction of his wives."

"That's horrible . . ." I wanted to reach out to him, but I wasn't sure how, other than to scoot closer to him. I couldn't bring myself to touch him again, when he'd already said that I bothered him, but I didn't want him to feel like it was his fault, either. . . .

"It's life," he said cheerfully, and sat up, leaning towards me, "But I'm even worse. I betrayed my own sister for someone I thought was better than her."

He still seemed proud of himself, despite couching the confession in self-depreciation - but he couldn't quite make eye contact anymore, now that he'd set it, and his gaze wandered past my shoulder, so that he was staring into the darkness, "Everyone said my relationship with her was disgusting, unnatural . . . but she was like an angel."

In the dim light of my pocket, it almost looked like he was still in love with her - the pink glow dusted his cheeks as though he was blushing, and his lips twisted into a tender, pained smile, his eyes seemed to glow in return. But he was not in love with a real person - I knew right then, the way sometimes you know when the weather has changed without warning.

"She wasn't anything like the rest of our family," he said, "She was gentle and kind - but she was still strong. There was a chance that she could be a Jahad princess - and my sister had the same opportunity. My mother wanted me to help my sister. We were losing my father's approval, and that meant losing power in our branch of the family, but . . . I couldn't betray Maria. She was my salvation. Proof that the world didn't have to be the way they thought it was, that I didn't have to be the person they thought I was. So I betrayed my sister instead. I threw everything away, so that Maria could climb the tower as a Jahad princess. In the end, I even threw her away."

He seemed to become aware of himself then, tucking his head bashfully and reaching up to run his fingers through his hair, "Of course, I ended up following her anyway. I keep telling myself it wasn't about her, but maybe it was. Maybe that's why I found Bam instead. . . ."

There was a sharp intake of breath from the bed. Kun and I both jumped, and I probably wouldn't have panicked if Kun hadn't said, "Bam! You're awake?"

He turned his whole body towards the other man as he said so, leaning back to smile up at his friend. Bam stared at him, and then slowly nodded.

"Um," he said, looking away from Kun, "I know you don't like me comparing people to Rachel, but . . . that's how it is with Rachel, too."

Kun's face fell, for a moment. He seemed deep in thought, before he straightened; neither of them were looking at me, though I got a better look at Kun's face - he seemed somewhat lost, as though he'd suddenly realized something.

Then he started laughing - not his usual, cold villain laugh, but an almost hysterical sound, like water being sloshed over the sides of a cup.

"Mr. Kun. . . ?" Bam asked, looking concerned. He did glance at me now, the motion quick, but his gaze lingering, as though he'd sought something from me and then forgotten what he was looking for.

"We're more alike than we thought," Kun said, and he covered his face in his hands, "And here I was thinking I'd only started to understand you because I was so afraid of losing you. But it's not like that at all, is it?"

". . . Maybe we don't really understand each other at all," Bam offered, tentatively; normally, those are the kind of words that end relationships, but the way Bam said it was still hopeful, as though he was fully confident that just by acknowledging it they could change it.

It was a little uncomfortable, and I started to get to my feet, "I'm going to get some water really quick, okay?"

"No, I'll get it," Kun was up like a bolt of lightning, as though things had crash landed around him and he didn't know what to do, "I need to get some air anyway."

I didn't know how to protest that without leaving Bam alone, though, and I didn't want to do that. I watched Kun go - even though, honestly, I did kind of want water.

As he got to the door though, Kun paused, looking back over his shoulder, "Bam."

He said it like he wasn't sure where to go from there, like a command or a mantra. Bam perked up - it took a moment for me to register that he'd slumped down in resignation when Kun initially said he needed air.

Kun took a deep breath, "It's nothing you did wrong. I just. . . everything I thought I understood feels like it got turned upside down. I'll be back, so don't worry, okay?"

I think it took a lot of courage for Kun to even suggest the idea that someone was worrying about him, or losing him. Bam's smile was radiant, though.

"Alright," he said, "Ms. Min and I will be here when you get back."

Kun smirked a little, then ducked out of the room.

" . . . Do you think he's actually going to come back with water?" I asked, a moment later. Bam glanced over at me, already reaching down to Kun's lighthouse.

"Probably," he said, "Why?"

". . . I really am thirsty," I admitted, "I don't want to be rude though. . . ."

Bam laughed; a bright happy sound that warms my heart whenever I think about it.

"We can go get some water," he offered, and turned the brightness of Kun's lighthouse up, before sliding out of the bed, "Why are you both awake, anyway? Did Mr. White try something. . . . ?"

"I haven't fallen asleep since earlier, yet," I replied, and reached up to tug at my hair awkwardly, "I was writing. Um, I can get my water on my own, though, if you want to change into pajamas. . . ."

Anyway, this is the time when I learnt something horrifying about the tower again.

"Pajamas?" Bam asked. There was a brief pause, before he continued, "Most people don't use them in the tower, actually. We kind of just get used to our day clothes."

So. . . I guess I have that to look forward to.

"You just. . . sleep in the same clothes. . . ?" I asked, dumbfounded. Bam tilted his head, an amused smile gracing his features. I think my heart started to pound, and I turned away before my face could flush too noticeably.

"You don't?" he asked; he sounded a little confused, and nervous. I reached up, tugging my hair again.

"Um. . . I just sleep in my sweater . . ." I replied, "I guess since I'm borrowing everyone else's clothes, it seems weird to sleep in them."

There was a brief pause; when I looked at Bam, he seemed unsure how to proceed.

"Anyway, I'm going to get some water!" I said, quickly, "Sorry for bringing up something silly-"

"It's not silly," he interrupted, "I just, um. Did you . . . Only sleep in your sweater when you were sleeping in my bed. . . ?"

I got up and walked to the door without any further prompting, grateful that I'd already been in the process of getting to my feet. Bam made a startled noise and then scrambled after me - though I only realized this because a moment later he was almost pressed against my back.

"Ah, sorry," he said, "Did you . . . change your mind?"

He sounded really hopeful about something, but I have no idea where his thoughts were going. Tilting my head, I looked up at him, "I'm really just getting water. How do you move so fast?"

His hand settled against my upper arm, as though to keep me in place; he stared down at me with his usual wide-eyed anticipation, "Are you going to come back?"

I was about to say he could come with me if he wanted, when the door in front of us opened; Kun stared at us with a strange, cynical expression, holding a glass of water.

"Am I interrupting?" he asked.

"Mr. Kun!" Bam sounded much happier now that Kun had returned, and I sighed, slumping forward a little, only for Bam to steady me carefully.

"This man is giving me heart failure," I grumbled. Kun snorted, passing me the water and then patting me on the head.

"Do you think either of you two are going to sleep tonight?" he asked Bam, "Because if not, let's make a pillow fort."

"A pillow fort?" it seemed like Bam was taking a moment for his brain to switch gears - until he asked, "What's that?"

"I'll show you," Kun replied, and then turned, "I'm just going to get some more pillows!"

I remembered then that Bam had mentioned being raised in a cave, and leaned back against him to look up at him, "Yeah, I guess they don't have a lot of pillows in caves, huh?"

He went completely still; his hands hovered briefly over my shoulders, and in the murky light of Kun's lighthouse, his eyes seemed darker than usual, like sunken treasure glimmering through a shallow ocean. His lips parted, as though he were going to say something, but he only looked away.

"I'm just teasing!" I said quickly, and stepped away from him, turning to face him properly. He reached up, rubbing his shoulder in a pretty universal sign for discomfort.

"I-I know," he said, "I'm sorry for bringing up . . . something weird earlier."

"No, it's fine!" I wasn't sure exactly how to explain why I'd responded the way I had earlier, but I gave it my best shot, "I was just afraid that you were mad or . . . ."

He gave me a strange look, "Why would I be mad?"

I looked away, "I don't know. Nevermind."

He was silent for a moment, then seemed to decide to leave it alone, reaching up and gently pulling me further into the room.

"Thank you," Kun's voice said behind me; he sounded vaguely amused, before dropping at least one pillow and a very large comforter over my head. I squeaked, and heard Bam laugh again.

"Alright, let's make a pillow fort," Kun said, "You've never done something like this, right?"

"Ah. . . no," Bam admitted, quickly; I peaked out at him and Kun from under the blanket Kun had dumped at me, and Kun regarded both of us with a light smile.

"I think you'll like it," he said, finally, then asked, "Min, have you made a blanket fort?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe," I replied; this wasn't meant to be cagey, but Kun gave me a look that made it apparent he thought it was, so I hurried to add, "My memory is kind of unreliable."

Bam and Kun both stared at me. Slowly, Bam reached out, pulling the blanket and pillow away from me, "Does that bother you?"

Feeling as though I'd stepped into dangerous territory, I hurried to dismiss the topic, "No! I'm probably just overthinking things, y'know? I do that. Sorry for saying something strange. . . ."

Both Kun and Bam seemed unsure how to proceed, until Bam gave me a reassuring smile; I could almost tell myself it was tender, if I wanted, but it definitely felt patient and understanding, "If you change your mind, and want to talk about it. . ."

"We'll be here," Kun added, and gave the back of my head a gentle swat, "Until then, don't apologize for saying strange things. Bam says strange things all the time."

"Hey!" Bam seemed taken aback, "I don't! Mr. Kun!"

"Just kidding," Kun seemed content to gather the blankets up from Bam, "We'll probably need to use the edge of the bed and my lighthouses for this. Beta, do you think you could help?"

"Mr. Beta?" Bam asked.

"Beta?" I asked at the same time. We both looked at each other.

"Didn't I tell you?" Kun asked, "He's been stowing himself away since the Name Hunt Station. It works out since he's a living ignition weapon. As long as we keep him stowed away, we don't have to worry about tickets for him or anything like that."

" . . . I feel like, um," I cleared my throat, "I feel like I'm missing out on some information. What are tickets for. . . ?"

"The train," Bam said promptly, and then, more teasingly - I could only tell because of the way his mouth curved into a sly smile he must have picked up from Kun, "Haven't you ever been on a train, Ms. Min?"

"No," I replied quickly, "But I mean. . . no one mentioned tickets when I arrived. . ."

"Don't worry about it," Kun replied, "You're carrying your own weight - and we had some friends get off, so we were able to use one of their tickets for you. Still, tickets are hard to come by, so it's good if we're not using them up willy nilly. As long as everyone keeps passing their tests, it's not an issue."

"Okay." I smiled. Kun and Bam both shared a look with each other, and then smiled. I definitely felt like I'd missed something, but it was hard to say what.

"So there's a person in your lighthouse . . ." I said, hurrying back to ground I felt more familiar with, "What's he like? Can he introduce himself?"

"I don't know. . . " Kun looked over his shoulder at the lighthouse, "Beta, do you want to say hi?"

There was no response. Bam and Kun were both silent for a moment, then Bam laughed, "I guess that's just what he's like. Still, it's nice to be reunited."

"So he's shy?" I asked, keeping a careful eye on the lighthouse. Unfortunately, my teasing didn't seem to garner a response. . . maybe he really is shy.

Still, that wasn't the impression I got, especially after Bam continued, "Well, he's a little grumpy."

"He tried to kill Bam when they first met," Kun said, almost nostalgically, "But Bam was stronger than he was."

Well, Beta will be a mystery - this didn't garner a response either. In all honesty, maybe he was just asleep. We were able to use the lighthouses to hold the blankets though, and managed to make a really nice pillow fort. Kun threatened to maintain the lighthouses in his sleep, saying that it wasn't an issue since he was a light sleeper, but Bam talked him out of it.

"We can arrange things so that won't be necessary," he insisted, and he did just that, by securing one lighthouse on the top of the bed frame, and the other a bit further out, and then using our three pockets as additional leverage. Actually, I think Kun was also pretty impressed by how Bam handled it - he and I mostly hung back and just put things where Bam told us to.

"That should do it," Bam said, finally, "We could probably turn the bed on it's side if we wanted to, but . . . we might hit our heads in the middle of the night or something."

"I think it is the middle of the night," I offered, "But this looks nice. I think it is my first time with a pillow fort. I like it."

Both Kun and Bam shot me strangely kind looks at that, and then Kun tugged open the front of the fort, "Alright, then. After you, princess."

"Ms. Min's not a princess, though," Bam protested. Kun and I both looked at him, and he looked away quickly.

"Bam?" Kun asked. Bam looked up, and forced a smile.

"It's nothing," he said, "I know it was just a joke."

Tentatively, I reached out, poking his cheek, "I make a better knight, anyway."

Kun chuckled. Bam gave me a grateful smile, and I smiled back.

"Okay," Kun said after a pause, "Min, do you want in the middle? Or should Bam be in the middle?"

"You don't want to sleep in the middle?" I asked. Bam stared intently at his friend.

"Well, to be honest. . ." Kun rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "When I attacked you earlier. . . that wasn't just in case you were taken over by Hoaqin. I'm a light sleeper and I sleep armed, so it's best if I can have a little bit of room. . . ."

"I squirm a lot," I had to admit, "Bam, do you want to sleep in the middle?"

He seemed really relieved; his shoulders relaxed and he smiled again, "Yeah, that sounds good."

That was about it . . . we're all curled up in the pillow fort now, and it's almost time for breakfast. I haven't slept at all . . .but Bam and Kun are both curled up nearby, sleeping soundly. Bam looks really cute when he sleep . . . I keep stopping to stare at him. I'm afraid of laying down now, though - he seems perfectly confident in curling up next to me, but I'm worried. I don't want to come on too strong or make him uncomfortable, so I've been putting off lying down. The pillow fort was really fun, but this part is hard. . . .

Still. . . . I'm really tired. It couldn't hurt, right . . . ?

 **14/43 (days here, followed by the floor we're on; I think I'll use this system from now on)**

Today has gotten off to an interesting start; I slept for maybe three hours, and then was woken by Endorssi shouting. Bam was already awake, sitting patiently beside me in the pillow fort.

"Do you think we should take it down?" he asked me, immediately. I looked up at the blankets, glowing softly under the lighthouses Kun had left behind. Part of me wanted to curl up closer to him - I don't know. He just looked really cute sitting there.

"Do you want to?" I asked him, not ready to get up yet. He smiled, and then looked up at the blankets too.

"Not really," he said, thoughtfully, "It was fun. I'm not ready to put them away yet."

Then he turned his attention back to me. I was suddenly very aware that I had just woken up and probably looked like a mess, while he somehow looked handsome and perfect, even though he'd slept in his clothes and probably hadn't brushed his hair yet.

Endorssi was yelling something again; it gave me something to grasp onto, "Endorssi's shouting again."

"Yeah. . ." Bam agreed, "I don't want to face her yet. Let's stay right here."

His smile was so tempting. . . I try not to gush too much in here, but there's something about waking up beside someone that really isn't leaving me with much coherence right now. But instead, I sat up, and then leaned forward, flicking him on the forehead.

"Ow," he said, lightly. I flinched, and withdrew quickly.

"I'm sorry!" I said, "I didn't mean to do it too hard - I didn't know it would hurt - are you okay?"

He gave me a bemused smile, "Yeah. It didn't hurt that much, so much as . . . it was just unexpected."

We stared at each other for a long moment, and then I had to look away, "I'm gonna go check on Endorssi. It's almost breakfast time, right?"

"Yeah. . ." Bam agreed, and then said, "I'll get changed. Ms. Min - will you stay with me?"

"W-while you get dressed?" I asked, before I had time to think it through. He blinked at me, and slowly his face started to turn red.

"N-NO!" he said, loudly enough that I flinched, before I raised my hand to my chest and sighed in relief, mostly for show - which made him laugh, reaching up to cover his mouth, "No, I'm sorry. I mean if I do something bad, will you stay with me?"

"Um. . ." I wasn't sure I was ready for that much commitment in my life, "I guess it depends on what kind of bad thing you do."

"Yeah. . . " he said, and looked away, "I guess it does."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. He stared at me for a moment, thinking about it, and then smiled, a strange smile that made my heart ache.

"Let's talk about this later, okay?" he said, "I do want to get changed right now."

"Okay," I said, "I'll check on Endorssi then!"

With that, I crawled out of the pillow fort and pushed myself to my feet before tip toeing out the door. I don't know why, but my feet always hurt when I first stand on them after a while. Maybe because I'm fat?

Endorssi stormed past me as I made my way to the kitchen, sparing me only a glance and an angry harrumph. When I got to the kitchen, I found Kun there, running his fingers through his hair in agitation and scowling at the the wall behind the counter.

"Are you okay?" I asked; he started, turning to look at me with a guilty expression, and then forcing a smile, "Were you and Endorssi fighting. . . ?"

"We do that," he said, as though trying to reassure me; he motioned me over and continued speaking, "Shouldn't you be sleeping? Where's Bam?"

I don't know why I answered the way I did, as though he'd asked a completely different question. "Umm. . I think he's sorting some things out. You should talk to him later though."

I didn't have the heart to repeat Bam's strange question before I left, but I still felt some trust in Kun, as though regardless of hearing that or not, he'd be able to reassure Bam.

"I will," he seemed to know exactly what I was talking about, "I just have some things to sort out too."

I smiled at him, and he smiled back, reaching out to tousle my hair. It was a good feeling - it's been a while since someone has played with my hair.

"He was playing with your hair when he woke up," Kun said softly, as though he could read my mind.

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, to the way my heart ached at the thought, "It's soft. I like playing with my hair too."

Things like that don't mean anything, not really. I have too many expectations for people, and haven't done anything to earn them.

"Help me set up the table," Kun said, and then asked the question I'm sure has been burning in his chest since I entered the room, "Did you have any dreams?"

"Not yet," I said; I didn't like disappointing him, though, so I hurried to say something more encouraging, "Hopefully tonight. Then I'll find out if he was talking about Wangnan."

"Yeah," Kun suddenly sounded distant as he passed me dishes, "You do that."

Still, when I looked at his face, it wasn't an unfriendly look. I wonder what he's trying to sort out. . . ?

Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't give him too much trouble. I'm a little worried, though - I hope he and Bam didn't have a fight too.

Bam joined us shortly after that, immediately crossing the room to help me with something heavy. Kun gave an exasperated sigh and he and Bam exchanged a strange look, before Bam smiled cheerfully and Kun smiled back.

There was a good aura for all of about five minutes before Endorssi stormed back, "AND ANOTHER THI-"

She stopped whatever she was going to say, and made a disgusted noise, "Of course all three of you are together now. Is she on your guy's team now, instead of Rak? But I'm not, am I? I never am."

"Do you want to say what any of this is about?" Kun demanded, somewhat harshly, "Or are you just here to complain?"

"Ms. Endorssi?" Bam asked, tentatively.

"What do you mean what any of this is about?" Endorssi demanded, "You're the one picking a fight with me first thing in the morning!"

"You're the one parading around acting like you're all that when you don't even bother to pay attention to what's going on," Kun snapped back. Endorssi didn't miss a beat - her pure self-interest seems to allow her unlimited outrage, so she just powers through an argument like this even if she's being criticized. It's kind of impressive. . . I'd crumble just from Kun's first sentence.

Bam had gone very quiet; I don't think he knew what to do either.

"I asked!" she retorted, "I asked one question and suddenly you're ripping my head off! How am I supposed to know if no one tells me anything?"

"You had the chance to listen to us and you told us we were making things up," Kun retorted. Bam walked quickly between them at that point, grabbing my hand and pulling me out the door. Endorssi and Kun continued to shout even as he closed it behind us.

"Is that a good idea. . . ?" I asked. He glanced at me, then looked away.

"I don't think they'll actually fight," he said, "But if they do, both of them are pretty strong so. . . ."

Then he looked at me, earnest and steady, "I need to talk to you, though. Come with me."

He took my hand again, pulling me after him. I didn't say anything as I followed him, but I wonder if I should talk to him too. It's the kind of thing that generally gets misunderstood, but I worry about needing to warn people. For someone like me. . . it seems like people might need a warning.

"Bam, what happened at the Name Hunt Station?" I asked, "That Kun's so upset about."

He didn't say anything; I think his hand tightened around my own, briefly, but I might have imagined that.

I don't know why, but it seems, just a little, like he's being kind of obtuse about this. Is it because something bad happened, or because of something intimate that I shouldn't be asking about?

"Mr. Kun and Ms. Endorssi just tend to bicker a lot," he said finally, "I think they've been holding back because of things at the Name Hunt Station, so they just need to get it out. It's not that anything happened so much as . . . ."

"Things at the Name Hunt Station sounds like something happened," I replied, flatly, "It's fine if you don't want to tell me. Forget I asked."

He gave me an apologetic smile over his shoulder, "It's a little personal."

Pulling me into one o the training rooms, he reached around to shut the door carefully behind me. For a moment, when I should have - normally would have, with most people - felt panicky and trapped, I just felt. . . warm, safe. It took a lot of willpower not to lean into him.

"About the dreams," Bam said, still leaning over me, "Do you think you could try inducing them?"

This was not the conversation I'd expected us to have - I'd kind of been expecting him to tell me what he'd meant by doing something bad earlier, and had maybe kind of hoped he'd change his mind about talking about the Name Hunt Station - but it didn't take long to switch gears, "I've never been able to do that before, but I could try. What do you have in mind?"

He pulled away, suddenly seeming unsure, "I don't know exactly. . . But if you can find a way to contact Mr. Wangnan, I . . . ."

"I mean. . ." I felt a little bad delivering bad news - which is natural. It's normal to feel bad when you disappoint someone, but there's still that little voice in the back of my head saying _you're only upset about it because it makes you look bad, you're only upset because you want him to think you're special_ , and I can't quite shut it off, "I think the reason I've been in contact with Hoaqin is because he has part of my soul-"

Something flickered over Bam's face, and then was gone - as was everything else. His face went carefully blank for a moment, before he forced a smile, "Never mind. It could be dangerous for you, couldn't it?"

I wasn't sure if he was being passive aggressive or not, and hesitated. There is a large part of me that immediately wanted to appease him somehow, whether he was being manipulative or not, but there's always this small, consolidated part of me that puts it's foot down, and as I waffled between them, Bam sighed.

"I let everyone down," he said, not meeting my eyes, "I don't. . . want to talk about it yet. It feels wrong to do that until I've made amends, but I don't want to lose sight of the people around me right now, either. You and Ms. Endorssi and Mr. Kun . . . and Mr. Boro, and Ms. Candy, and everyone. I need to look after all of you right now. So if it's dangerous, please don't do it."

He looked so lost then, and I was still torn - as though if I touched him, I could break him, but if I left him alone he'd fall apart, "Can I . . . hug you, right now?"

That seemed to take him aback, and he looked at me, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights of a speeding car. I immediately took a step back, looking away, "I mean, I understand if you don't want-"

"Yes?"

It was still kind of a question, and when I looked at him, it was hard to read the expression on his face, like looking into the sun. Cautiously, I stepped towards him again, and he pulled me into a hug. I wasn't expecting him to take the lead, or to curl around me the way he did, all at once, as though he suddenly realized how cold it was and was desperate to burn himself up.

"Bam?" I asked, but he didn't say anything, taking a deep breath against my shoulder. Tentatively, I reached up, stroking his hair and leaning into him, "It's gonna be okay."

We stayed that way for a while, until I felt him start to move away, and so did the same. His smile seemed a lot less forced when he looked at me now, and I smiled up at him tentatively.

"Thank you," he said, suddenly, "I feel a lot better now."

I held my arms up in victory, "Physical contact is important for people!"

"What?" suddenly he seemed a little lost, glancing away from me, "I mean, I guess that makes sense, but. . ."

"Babies will actually die without it," I added, "So . . . I dunno. If you ever need a hug, just ask, okay?"

He made a strange sound, and when I peered at his face, I realized he was laughing. His face seemed a little flushed all of a sudden, and he was covering his mouth with one hand, but he was definitely laughing.

"Okay," he said, "I'll do that, Ms. Min."

He seemed to compose himself then, though, and gave me another smile, then reached out, flicking my forehead gently.

"Ow!"

His smile was a little teasing as he added, "But you do the same, okay?"

Something about the atmosphere. . . I had very mixed feelings when Endorssi slammed the door open. On the one hand it was almost a relief, but on the other I could have stayed there for hours without complaining. . . .

"Of course you're both here," she snapped, evidently still peeved with Kun, "If you're going to steal all the training rooms, at least help me train!"

That seemed to be how she went about asking for sparring matches, because Bam transitioned into training mode almost immediately. I drifted over to the sidelines for a while, and set about trying to meditate. I'm not very good at it, but it is a little easier when there's someone else there doing their own thing, like I won't get lost in time somehow, or drift away. . . .

Normally, I use guided meditations because I'm still a baby, but I was able to focus fairly well this way too, until Endorssi evidently decided that she wanted my attention too.

"Hey, get up," she snapped, probably about half an hour to an hour later. When I looked up, it seemed she and Bam were taking a rest break - they'd both acquired water bottles (probably from the kitchen, because I vaguely remembered something about Bam going to go get them so Endorssi wouldn't have to face Kun) and Endorssi had one hand on her hip, staring down at me.

"Ms. Endorssi, are you sure? Ms. Min isn't very strong. . . ." Bam was saying.

"I still want to see what she can do," Endorssi snapped, "If she's going to go up against Hoaqin."

"No one said that. . . " Bam said, but didn't seem to have any more argument left in him, because when Endorssi ignored him he fell quiet.

"What?" I asked, tentatively. Endorssi gave an exasperated sigh.

"I want to spar with you," she said, "Yuri said you were training with that clone of Hoaqin's but there's no way you could be as powerful as her, so I want to see what you can do."

"Sounds fair," I said. I think that this point I expected Endorssi to go easy on me - Black always had, after all. But then again, maybe that was a silly expectation, since Black was my mentor and had a much better idea what I was capable of. I stood as gracefully as possible, and dusted myself off, and then moved with Endorssi to the middle of the room. She tossed Bam her water bottle without any warning, and he caught it easily, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes.

Endorssi was definitely faster, stronger and more skilled than I was. She also took the initiative - as soon as I'd taken my training sword from where I'd stored it in my pocket - Bam had said something about getting me an arms inventory, and Endorssi had said something about giving me a spare if I did well - she dove at me.

I threw myself to the side, but in order to get the kind of momentum I needed to get out of her way, I also had to give up a certain amount of control. Rather than a measured dodge, it was more of a clumsy roll, and when I came up, sword in the defensive, she was already coming at me again, having veered around while I was still moving.

If I hadn't been training with Bam to use shinsoo, she would have broken my sword in that one attack, but as it was I was able to fortify my sword with a room, and then - though I'd been hoping to push her back a little as I got onto my feet again - I was able to hold my ground long enough to scramble off of my knees.

I think her one concession to the my weakness was that she didn't use Bong Bong - the pink light she'd been using to outrun Yuri the whole time - but I don't think I saw her use Bong Bong when she was sparring with Bam either.

As soon as I was on my feet, though, she was kicking out, and I had to twist around, using the flat of my sword to catch under her leg and then flip her up. It was the only time I made her stumble, and even then it wasn't much - and it was only because the counterattack was so unexpected.

She danced out of the way of my sword for a second, and I think her expression was more interested then irritated, before she lunged again, aiming another kick for my unguarded left side.

I went sailing into the other wall, and Bam made a startled noise, but I didn't have the chance to process whatever he was saying because I was already rolling to the side in order to avoid her next two strikes - both of which left dents in the wall.

Bam was there then, though - his back to me and his posture indicating that he'd just done . . . something. Endorssi wasn't moving at all, though, so it was hard for me to tell what, and anyway, I had to catch my breath.

"Ms. Endorssi, if you do that Ms. Min will die," Bam said sternly, and then suddenly Endorssi was moving again.

"What the hell?!" she demanded, "What are you doing? Bam!"

"I just told you," Bam said, taking a step back and instant before she physically grabbed him. It was my turn to sandwich myself between them, carefully moving her arm from around his neck.

"Knock it off," I said, "You can't just attack people whenever they disagree with you. Let's talk about this like adults."

She swept one of her legs under me and I went flying for a second, before Bam caught me, one arm under my leg and the other supporting my back . . .that is to say. . . . bridal style. . . .

This seemed to trigger some sort of primal memory in Endorssi, because she suddenly backed down, as though realizing what she'd done. I wonder if she reads a lot of romance stories. . . . ?

"Are you okay?" Bam asked. I nodded, and he carefully set me down at his side, so that he was standing between Endorssi and myself.

"W-whatever!" Endorssi snapped, and stormed out of the room, like a cartoon villain, all _I'll get you next time!_ "It's almost time for lunch, so hurry up and get ready for that!"

Bam and I watched her go - Bam seemed a little surprised.

"What was that about. . . ?" he asked. I wasn't sure how to explain my thoughts without being awkward so I just shrugged. After a moment, Bam did smile at me, though.

"Well, you did pretty well," he said, "Let's see if Yuri has an extra arms inventory."

Yuri and Evan, combined, evidently have extras of everything, and Yuri was happy to load me up with. . .well, everything. She had a spare needle that she gave me, the promised arms inventory, more clothes - none of which I think fits me, but honestly this is the norm for me. Most of my clothes back home are hand me downs too, now that I think of it, even though I've been living on my own for a while now. . . .

She even dug up a spare phone that she apparently hadn't used for a while, and carelessly passed it off to me, without even making sure all the texts or contacts were deleted.

While she was doing all of this, she coaxed details of the sparring match from Bam, downright cackling when he told her about catching me in his arms, and Endorssi's reaction.

"Serves her right for picking on someone weaker than her like that," she said, "I'll have to put a camera in her pocket so I can keep an eye on her. . . ."

"What, no!" I said, immediately, "That's really invasive!"

"She's my little sister," Yuri said, and despite the fact that she was responding directly to something I was saying, she did not seem to hear me, "I have to make sure she's acting like a princess should act."

Bam mumbled something that I didn't quite catch, but since Evan seemed to agree with it, I figured maybe I should refrain from asking what he'd said in case it was a little harsh for Yuri - who by this point had opted to put me in one of her old jackets as a sizing test, and was now buttoning it up.

"But even if you're responsible for her, privacy is really important," I tried weakly. Yuri hummed but didn't say anything in response, and I resolved quietly to warn Endorssi about Yuri bugging her pocket in the future.

"I don't think Ms. Endorssi meant badly," Bam offered, "I think she was just frustrated."

"Well, she needs to stop taking out her frustrations on other people," Yuri said matter of factly, "Besides, when you're a Jahad Princess, scrutiny's the norm. She'll have to get used to it sooner or later."

Bam and I shared a look, since it seemed like no matter what we said it was just giving Yuri more fuel for her misdeeds.

Once she'd finished buttoning me up, though, she stepped back, turning so that she could settle both hands on my shoulders and present me to Bam, "What do you think?"

"What?" Bam seemed taken aback - and I found myself unable to look him in the eyes, "Um, it looks like it fits okay. . ."

I feel like you could hear the sound of crickets chirping for a moment, then Evan coughed and hurried to clear us out of the room. I could hear him scolding Yuri once the door was closed behind us.

"It, um," Bam said after a moment, "It was really nice of Yuri to give us all of this stuff."

I don't know why he said us, but a moment later he hurried to correct himself, "I mean, to give you all of this stuff. She gave me a lot of stuff too."

"Does it look okay?" I asked, "It's not too bulky or . . ."

"It looks really nice!" something about the way it came out - too fast, too loud - took me by surprise, and it seemed to take Bam by surprise too; he quickly looked away covering his mouth with the back of his hand, fingers curled, but not quite fisted, "It's . . . a really nice color on you."

We both fell silent. I wasn't sure what I was feeling - I'm not really sure what I'm feeling now, actually - but it was a peaceful silence. I looked down at the sleeve of the coat Yuri had given me - it's a nice, warm wool coat, and a girly sort of bright red, like cherries or strawberries - and then I looked up at him.

"I'm gonna try to talk to Hoaqin after lunch, okay?" I said, "If I start with that, I might be able to figure out how to connect with Wangnan."

When I looked up at him, he wouldn't meet my gaze, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he reached out, fingers brushing against mine, as though he was going to take my hand.

"We should probably," he said, swallowing something back, though I'm not quite sure what, "Go meet the others. . . ."

"Yeah," I agreed, "Sorry, I don't mean to drag things out."

He glanced at me, then moved forward. My hand suddenly felt a little cold, but that's selfish, isn't it?

Lunch felt weirdly subdued - Bam was withdrawn, and that seemed to affect the whole table. Instead of talking, he spent most of the meal quietly loading up my plate whenever I wasn't looking, until Kun physically took his hand, leaning in close and whispering something to him. A moment later, both of them stood up and left, which cast a certain pall over the table.

"Did something happen?" Endorssi asked me in a low voice, but all I could do is shrug somewhat helplessly.

"I don't know," I said, "It feels like that, but. . . ."

Yuri also seemed to be a little moody after this, dropping out of the conversation and eyeing where Bam and Kun had disappeared through the door until they came back; Kun settled between Bam and myself this time, and though it seemed like Bam had relaxed a little, he didn't seem completely back with the rest of the conversation, either.

"Is everything okay?" I asked Kun in a low voice. Endorssi leaned in over my shoulder to give him an intimidating glare, but he ignored her, smiling brightly at me.

I'm beginning not to trust that smile at all. I did always think it was too charming, but now I know it's his lying smile.

"Everything's fine," he said, "Can I talk to you outside?"

Hesitantly, I nodded, and Kun helped me to my feet, slipping outside. I could feel Endorssi's eyes boring into my back.

As the door shut behind us - I heard Yuri starting to protest, and Evan's voice almost drowning her out - Kun lead me down the hall away and then turned, gracefully planting both his hands on either side of my shoulders and backing me into the wall - mostly by leaning in too close.

I hadn't really realized it before, but Kun is about the same height as Bam is - I found myself looking up at him and wanting to curl up into a ball really fast. He was still wearing that bright smile, but his body language had changed completely - he was leaning in and looking down at me like a grown fox looks probably looks at a kitten, all ruthless experience against this poor, sheltered baby that made the mistake of thinking that cause they looked a little alike, they could have been family.

"I don't know why, because I don't always know what's going on in his head," Kun said, still affecting a cheerful tone, "But Bam's kind of fixated on you right now."

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, "I didn't mean to-"

I cut myself off, not sure what it was I hadn't meant to do. Separate them? Take over Bam's life? I certainly hadn't thought that was what was happening, but Kun's posture said something was supremely out of whack.

"Maybe what Endorssi said was right," he said, "And you're reminding him of Rachel somehow. I still don't think the two of you are anything alike, but I don't know everything about him. It doesn't matter right now anyway."

Now he leaned in, one arm bending so that he was able to speak almost directly into my ear, "Because as long as you stay alive and keep making him like you, Rachel doesn't matter."

"I thought I recognized that tone," Endorssi snapped from behind him. Unable to see most of the hallway, I hadn't seen her sneak up on him, but now she grabbed him, yanking him off of me and wrapping him in a headlock, "What kind of games are you playing? Don't you read?"

"What, like you do?" Kun demanded; it took him a few minutes to disentangle himself, but I feel like Endorssi wasn't trying too hard to keep him pinned either; instead, she was glancing over her shoulder at the closed door to the dining area, as though to make sure no one else snuck up on us.

"I read enough to know that forcing her to try seducing Bam isn't going to go anywhere!" she snapped.

"That sounds more like personal experience to me, actually," Kun replied, obviously taking some sort of pleasure in watching Endorssi seethe.

"Just tell me what you're trying to do!" she snapped, "Do you really think Bam won't notice anything different if she suddenly starts trying something weird? You can't get on my case for throwing myself at him if you're gonna just send some random girl in to do the same thing!"

"The Name Hunt Station and this are completely different," Kun snapped.

"Can someone just tell me what happened at the Name Hunt Station?" I asked, but they both ignored me.

"How is it any different?" Endorssi demanded, "How? You're still ignoring me about Rachel, you're still saying that I'm the one-"

"You were right about the Name Hunt Station," Kun hissed, "But that doesn't mean I like what you did about it."

Endorssi went through a lot of different expressions really fast - first she looked euphoric, gleeful, and then offended, and then triumphant again, and then the heartbreaking furious of someone who knows she's losing everything but doesn't know what to do about it, "Oh, so I _was_ right now-"

"Yes," Kun said, curt and cold, the thin ice over a puddle crunching under someone's boots because it just can't hold on anymore. I guess that makes Endorssi the kind of person who has to stomp on frozen puddles for the satisfaction, "You were right. As far as I can tell, he was just going after Rachel. That doesn't mean _any_ of what your team did was okay, _especially_ without talking to us about it before hand. It doesn't mean what you did was okay-"

"SOMEONE JUST TELL ME ABOUT THE NAME HUNT STATION ALREADY," it came out as a shriek, and when I inhaled sharply, trying to get my breath back, it felt like I'd been screaming for hours.

Both Kun and Endorssi looked at me, and then back at each other.

"It's none of your business," Endorssi said haughtily.

"It is if you're going to _drag me into it_ ," I snapped, "And this stupid Rachel complex. I swear you're both more obsessed with her than he is."

"You've said that before," Kun said irritably, and I took another ragged, irritated breath.

"Well it's _true_ ," I insisted, "He hasn't told me anything about her, or even said her name, except when you two bring her up, and I've been spending _hours_ with him."

Endorssi took a scandalized breath, but then seemed to recall that I had been training with him, and that Kun had been with me for most of that.

"So if you're going to have this giant problem with her, to the point where you're trying to set me up as a replacement goldfish for her, you better tell me what the fuck it's about."

"I've never heard you swear," Kun said mildly, as though I hadn't been making much of an argument all the time.

"I swear all the time, and that's not the point," I replied, "If you're going to pull me out of the hallway so you can intimidate me into acting against my better judgement, you can damn well tell me what's going on. From the beginning, so I can understand properly."

"Well, that's on you, Kun," Endorssi said, turning around almost lazily; she even stretched, arms high over her head, "I'm the hero here."

"I'm not going to make you sound good," Kun said easily, with the air of someone who knows exactly how to get what he wants. Indeed, Endorssi whirled around immediately.

"Shut up! It's about Rachel, not me!"

"You're part of it," Kun inspected his nails carefully. Endorssi seethed, but instead of going back to the dining room, she leaned lazily against the wall.

Kun pinched the bridge of his nose, thinking. I found myself crossing my arms while I waited.

"When I met Bam, all he told me was that he was following a girl named Rachel," Kun said; Endorssi snorted, but other than a sharp glare at her, he didn't say anything, "He didn't say anything about her, or where they came from, except that she was his only friend, and she wanted to see the stars. But he did throw one of the tests in order to keep her safe when she showed up, and. . . I guess she seemed alright."

He took a deep, shaky breath now, as though the next part was going to be rough, "Then she got injured, and she pretended the injury was more severe than it was so that Bam would talk to the test administrator about a different test. He didn't want to watch her fail - he just wanted to be by her side. But Rachel. . . ."

He'd crossed his arms at some point, and now his fingers were digging into his shirt sleeve, right above his elbow, so that the knuckles turned white. He couldn't meet my gaze, "Rachel sure wanted him to fail. She betrayed him, pushed him to his death, and then sold some sob story about how he'd died protecting her, and her dream. But she was lying."

I wanted to reach out to him now; he seemed like he was being torn apart, "We lost him for seven years. The organization she sold him out to was training him to be a killer, keeping him isolated, but more than that they wanted to make him into a weapon. Has he told you what ignition weapons are?"

I feel like they had come up at some point, but I shook my head. Endorssi cleared her throat, as though she thought she could relieve some of Kun's burden.

"Ignition weapons are special weapons that have their own hidden strength," she said, and her arms were crossed almost as tightly as Kun's, "They can be activated in battle to become even more powerful than they are normally."

"Bam's an irregular," Kun said, "So that means he's not under the same contract regulars are - if he were to fight King Jahad, he could actually kill him. But FUG didn't want it to be him - they were going to seal him inside an ignition weapon so that whoever used it could kill Jahad instead. They were going to make him into a weapon in the most literal way they could, because of Rachel. She put him through hell, and then when we got him back. . . ."

Endorssi's jaw clenched suddenly. Kun's voice was rough, as though his throat had suddenly become sore, "He said he just wanted to see her again. Closure, maybe. Or maybe he thought if he could find her again, it would all be a misunderstanding. I don't know. But we spent another year chasing her, and you know what she said?"

"I don't know this part," Endorssi said, sounding a little peeved. I'm not sure if it was because he'd blackmailed her only to have it mean nothing, or because she thought he'd kept information from her. It made me wonder about their relationship, a little.

Kun looked down at me, the kind of wry bitterness of a man on the verge of hysterics, "She said, 'Why are you still alive, Bam?' as though she hadn't planned everything from the get go. As though she was so confident that she'd always matter to him that she didn't even need to lie. And he still keeps going after her. The Hell Train, the Name Hunt Station - it's all so we can get our hands on Rachel. I don't even know what we'll _do_ with her when we do. It's not like Bam wants revenge. He just wants to keep her."

It sounded awful to my ears as I spoke, "Have you tried talking to Bam about it at all?"

"Yes!" Kun almost exploded now, except for that he was holding himself together with his crossed arms and clenched fists, "She hamstrung my teammate, she kidnapped our friends, she attempted to kill Bam not once but _twice_ and she isn't even a little bit sorry, but he doesn't have anything to say about it! Nothing at all!"

It must have been what Bam had meant when he said he'd done bad things. I suddenly wanted to hold him, but was just as suddenly worried that he wouldn't appreciate it, that I'd be being too pushy.

"When did that happen?" Endorssi snapped, "I wasn't there for this conversation."

"This morning," I said quietly, "He talked to Bam this morning. It's why he's been acting so weird today."

Endorssi's face went through a lot of expressions very rapidly again - anger struggling to conceal the concern and regret underneath. Eventually, though, she just huffed, looking away down the hallway towards the dining area.

"Bam's . . . . kind of cautious about things," I said, trying to be reassuring, but it only made Kun flinch. I had to finish what I'd started though, "He takes his time to make sure he sorts everything out before he commits to one course of action. And . . . I still don't feel like he's really doing everything for Rachel. When he talks about Wangnan or Ehwa or Hatsu, I think . . . he's trying his best. Getting over someone who hurt you like that is hard."

"How is it hard?" Endorssi snapped, "You just get up and walk away. If someone doesn't deserve you, you don't keep offering your hand trying to make it all better!"

"And what if they do deserve you?" I asked; I couldn't look at either of them, and my own crossed arms suddenly seemed constricting, as though being who I was suffocating, as though my own body were a cage, "What if they were right about all of you? What if they really do know you better than all those people who actually make you happy?"

I reached up, tucking my hair behind my ear even though it was mostly braided, mostly so I could do something - anything, to relieve the tension, "Some people are really good at hurting other people and making it seem like that's just how the world should be. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you tell me about her. Thank you for your patience."

I didn't dare go back to the dining area, though. I turned and went back to the room I shared with Bero Bero and Cherry La and cried until they came back.

"What happened?" Bero Bero asked immediately. She didn't sound panicked, like she normally would have. Maybe she's getting used to my constant crying, but she just shuffled over to sit next to me. I pushed myself into a sitting position, not sure how I could explain myself this time.

"I hate everything," was all I could manage to say, "All anyone ever does is hurt each other."

Bero Bero didn't say anything except to pull me into a tight hug. Cherry La drifted closer, and after a moment, I felt her pat my head carefully, once and then twice, before she went back to her nap. Bero Bero let me stay like that until I fell asleep.

I dreamt that I was a star, small and delicate and surrounded by darkness. There were other stars out there, thousands and millions, but I had to go - and so I threw myself towards the horizon, like if I willed it hard enough I could become a comet.

I could see the sun, and I knew I had to get there. If I could just get to the sun, it's golden light spilling over a different star system, I would be okay-

But then someone was holding me back; their hand was clenched tightly around my wrist, and they were yanking me back. I wasn't a star anymore, just a ghost, and Hoaqin was looming over me, looking about as composed as usual.

That is to say, I think he was genuinely panicking, "What do you think you're doing?"

"What?" I asked, and looked around; slowly, another area of the train was forming around us, and Hoaqin yanked on me to get my attention back.

"You can't just _leave my body_ like that," he snapped, "You think you'll actually make it all the way across the train to your body without dissipating in the meantime? I wish this was actually a surprise."

"I mean, you do seem pretty surprised," I offered; the glower he gave me was more like a sullen child than . . . whatever it was he was supposed to be, then his expression changed; instead of anger and concern, he schooled his expression into a sweet smile, reaching up to brush my hair away from my face. There were still stars in it, glinting in and out of the corner of my eye, as though I was coating in glitter.

"No, I was just worried," he said easily, "Jehanne, isn't it?"

Honestly, if he hadn't said her name like that, the sudden charm would probably have worked on me. As it was, I slapped him.

"Stop doing that!" he demanded.

"Stop treating me like I'm her!" I snapped back, "I don't remember anything about that life! I barely remember anything about the life I'm living right now! You can't just call me by her name, or treat me like I'm the saint she was - I'm in an awkward position, okay?"

He stared at me for a moment, quirking an eyebrow, and then sighed, turning away from me, "So boring. You're the reincarnation of a holy warrior and you won't even admit it?"

"I'm going to - don't you walk away from me!" but he was, and I hastened to reach out, grabbing him by his stupid ponytail and yanking him back.

"I'm serious!" he snapped, "If you don't stop doing things like that, I'm going to eat you!"

"Well, look how well that's worked out for you so far," I snapped back, "I'm _Min_. Don't call me Jehanne."

His expression was probably the most condescending one I've seen in my life, but he snorted, and seemed to amend his approach again, "Alright, alright, _Min_. But don't try leaving my body again. The shinsoo in the train isn't strong enough to sustain you right now, and you won't make the full distance, no matter what kind of miracles your soul is capable of."

"All souls are capable of miracles if they believe in God," I said shortly, honestly unsure if I was speaking as myself or as her. He rolled his eyes, turning to leave again.

"Wait!" I said, "I have a question!"

"Just the one?" he asked, "She's been telling me so much about you, and you only have one question, Ms. I-can't-remember-anything?"

I sent a mental note to my subconscious to stop that at once, but I'm not sure if it went through, "Is Wangnan with you guys?"

Hoaqin watched me carefully, but something glittered in his eyes, giving him away.

"Wangnan who?" he asked, "I have a hard time with names, but I might be willing to find out if you do me a favor."

"Depends on the favor," I replied, "But rather than that, just tell him Bam's worried about him."

Hoaqin smirked, tilting his head so his long hair swished behind him, "I suppose I'll consider it."

Then he turned; the train around us faded to black. I guess for now I just have to hope that whoever Wangnan is, he's smart enough to keep up with Hoaqin's games.

I mean, it'll probably be fine, right?


End file.
